Break wasn't too bad. Wasn't great, but I can't overall complain. I got screwed over by someone I thought I could trust, but--I hate saying this--I'm pretty used to it. I guess after you save someone's life, all they care about is the ways they can leech off of you and siphon your life away, bitch about you not being perfect (though I never claimed to be), twist your words, and then have the audacity to tell me I have no idea what hard is. I can list umpteen other inaccuracies that were hurled at me, but whatever. That's just how people are. They lie to you about caring about you, and expect you to do everything for them, but when you need them to be there for you, all of a sudden they bow out. You know, you'd think I'd be used to people mistreating me and taking advantage of me, but I guess not. Some parts of it still really hurt. But at the same time, being so physically far away from it makes it better.
So I was struggling through break in some ways. Things are better now, and to quote Dr. Zhivago, I'm cutting out the tumors of injustice so to speak, and moving on. I'm not going to let shit hold me down anymore, and frankly I think it's one of those life lessons I needed to learn, period. So maybe it'll follow me home and I'll learn not to worry so much.
Amidst the struggles though I learned a lot about who my friends were and weren't. People stepped up to the plate and were awesome and helped me in whatever way they could manage. Friends I fell out of touch with all of a sudden were there helping me, and Brandon, bless his heart, has listened to me cry and bitch on skype more than you can know over the last month. And he's always taken it in stride, and tried to help me however he can. I guess being with someone almost 5 and a half years, you know what to do when they come to you crying.
I was even telling Brandon last night, after the "break up" we went through (if you don't know about it, let's just say he and I broke up for about 3 weeks, then went into an open relationship, and then about 9 months ago, we decided to get back together), one thing I complained about was feeling like he would never meet me half way. When I needed someone, I never felt like I could rely on him, or he'd always shrink from the situation. At the time, he did, but over the last almost 2 years now, he's been there for me. When I needed someone to cry to, somewhere to stay, something to eat, a place to do my laundry, he was there. At first it was as friends, then it became what it had been before. For some reason, I just couldn't cut him out of my life. And I still can't.
There's a quote from Jane Eyre I've always particularly liked, because I felt it described me and Brandon. Mr. Rochester says it, and I've always enjoyed it, because I like his analogy.
I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.
That's how I've always felt about us. We're knotted together, and there's no way the knots can be untied.
I've finally found out what it feels like to have half of who you are so far away. Yet somehow, you find a way to make it day to day 'til you get back to them. I've been learning what it is to really love someone, and what it means to really go to the ends of the earth for that love. I'd say I know what it means to resist temptation for that love, but frankly all the other options I've had since getting here, well, aren't that impressive. And the one that was, wasn't very realistic. So yep, not like I've really been tempted. But, the idea of going and finding someone else doesn't sound very appealing.
I remember when I told Chris about this trip, he just stopped, looked at me, and said "Do you think Brandon can make it without you for 9 months?" That was no exaggeration when he said it, on my behalf or Brandon's. In some ways, I don't think June can get here fast enough for either of us.
But enough of the sentiments for now. ;) On the note of the temptation, I had yet ANOTHER amazing experience with one of France's finest gentlemen. I hope that the sarcasm is noted. Basically, he was an idiot who wouldn't take no for an answer, I stood him up on a "date" and I spent about 2 days bitching at him via text that I wasn't interested, he annoyed me, and to leave me alone. Did he get the clue? Eventually, and thank GOD he's left me alone. And the moron from OFII has tried again too. Like really? I discovered my phone has a "liste de rejet" (rejection list) and oh Lord was I happy to see that!
"Je veux sortir avec toi" is the most HATED phrase in the French language to me, at this moment.
Seriously, my dumb luck of getting hit on by idiots has followed me to France. UGH! No I will not leave my boyfriend I've been with for 5 years for some fling in another country. No I don't believe in "Oh if it doesn't happen in the same country it's not cheating" or any of that other crap. I'm with him, and I promised to wait for him, and I plan on keeping my promises. Is that such a hard concept to grasp in this day and age? Seriously. Fidelity isn't as rare as people like to think.
I managed to snag a small job here too. A friend worked with a gentleman who wanted a native English speaker to tutor his son. She put me in touch with him, and I got the job. Talk about perfect timing, it was just enough extra cash to go enjoy the Christmas markets, and then have money for food til I got school money.
But, really, it's above and beyond even that. Sure the money is nice, and a few extra euros helps out. But, the family I'm working with, goodness...they're some of the nicest most wonderful people I've ever met. I walked into their home, and without even knowing me, everyone was happy to see me (there's 4 kids total, two teenaged daughters, the boy I work with who's 5, and their little 2 year old), and was so nice to me, and so welcoming. They treated me like gold. They even invited me to stay for lunch, and I stayed well into the evening even. And, I was amazed at how great they were to me. The older girls have definitely become fast friends of mine, and the two young ones are adorable. The littlest one has already started calling me Tata Erika (Auntie Erika), and I think that's adorable. It's just incredible to me to be around people like them. I guess after a life of dysfunction, seeing them is a breath of fresh air. And the fact they were so accepting and welcoming to me...I just...I guess I can't believe it. I'm used to there being strings attached, or someone dangling their affections in front of me like a carrot in front of a horse, and teasing me with them. These people are genuinely good. They're a family. They love each other. Being in that kind of place to me was a blessing. I haven't felt like part of a family since my mom died. Now, I've been blessed to be included in a very warm, kind, and loving one. No, I'm not saying that I'm an adopted daughter, but they've allowed me to be part of them, and it's been a truly wonderful thing to be a part of.
The holidays here were nice too. I really enjoyed myself. It wasn't much, but I had fun. After my first day of tutoring, I went out to the markets that night, got a cup of vin chaud and went ice skating. After, I got a tarte flambée baguette and then headed home. I hadn't been ice skating since 5th grade, so it took me a while to get used to it again, but as soon as I was, I took off and had a blast. And they played all the old classic Christmas songs, even Elvis and Bing Crosby songs! I felt like such a dork skating along singing to myself, but I had a good time. :D
Christmas I got up and made it to the Cathedral. I wasn't up early enough for Mass or anything, but I went and made an offering, and spent some time there. After that I went to St. Thomas, and just hung out, thinking and what not. Went home and spent the evening by myself. I watched It's A Wonderful Life, and then called home.
New Year's I got sick, so i didn't do anything, but it was fun watching the fireworks get shot off at 12. And due to the fever I was running I woke up at 5, waited around til 6, called Brandon at midnight US time, and then spent the next hour slap happy and delirious laughing at condom instructions (don't ask).
After that was finals. Ugh...I need to say no more.
After I finished finals, Sibylle and I took a day trip to Mulhouse and had a nice time. It's not much of a town, but it was nice to go somewhere new. And, it was cool seeing street signs written in Alsatian. :D We're thinking about taking a trip to Basel, Switzerland at one point too. I guess it's not too much more than what the trip to Mulhouse was, so hey! :D That was one thing I realized over break: I'm within 3 hours of Belgium, Luxembourg, and Switzerland, and Germany is what, a 15-20 minute bus ride away? Talk about mind blowing. I mean, I can do day trips to other countries. WTF. hahahaha! I mean, it's really cool, but I guess it never dawned on me til not too long ago.
And that ladies and gents brings us to today :D Just waiting around til School starts Monday. My first class of the semester is in English. WIN! It's 8-10 am, but if it's in English, I can manage. I just have to get on a sleep schedule, because I've been in the habit of taking random naps. Yeah won't be able to do that every day now. hahaha!
Anyway, I better get going. If you've stuck through this with me this long, I love you! Totally! :D
