Beware, I'm doing a word dump!

Wow, so I went from updating about every week, to every 2 weeks, to every month. It has just been insane, to be honest. So much has happened, everything is still trying to sink in. Good or bad it's been nuts.

I have to say the last...month? Has been RIDICULOUSLY emotional. Not really homesick or anything, I just...well I mean I guess when I say emotional I don't just mean upset, I mean happy or amused as well. There's the being hit on by a random drunk German guy in the middle of the night, half in English and half in German (Ich bin German, WHAT? XD). Oh and laughing my ass off in the middle of The King's Speech (Le Discours du Roi) when Colin Firth starts swearing like I do when I play XBox, and then squealing over seeing corgis in the movie (I MISS MY PENNY!!!!!), and it's totally fun being the American in my Civil War class.

There's been a lot of stress too. Cramming and reading a 250 page book in about 4 days, yeah that sucked, and it was during Semaine Européenne. Hello all nighters! I've been so sleep deprived the last 2 weeks, it's unreal. But the book I had to read was actually quite interesting. I never would've read it on my own, that's for sure, so in the end I'm actually kind of glad I had to read it for class. I learned a lot.

Outside le Conseil de l"Europe

Main Parliamentary room

And Semaine Européenne was insanely cool. Once again, a ton of stress, but I learned so much. My group's debate was over the PIIGS nations (Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece, and Spain), except we omitted Ireland, as the subject dealt with only the Mediterranean nations. And of course, the inevitable question of Turkey came up, which led to Cyprus, and Malta, and then led to North Africa (guess there's 2 cities in Morocco that are actually Spanish, never knew that). And the Turkey thing became really interesting as it's not talked about nearly as much in the US as it is here. I mean, if I'm remembering correctly, Turkey is an Ally, and of course the EU is (I don't know the 'official' position on the Eastern Euro countries, but if they're part of the EU I can't see why America would take issue with them anymore), so I can't see why America would be appauled by the EU accepting Turkey, when/if it happens (yes I realize the controversies in Turkey, as I've read into them a bit, but regardless of that for the moment). I think that was the most interesting part to me, as it's something I've learned a lot about since living in the EU. Not really saying I have an opinion one way or the other, but exploring both sides of the argument is intriguing.

Then there's the Brandon thing. Oh gee that totally made it sound like there's not much value to the situation. But, in all seriousness, the way our relationship has been going has been, well...I can't complain. It's been getting better as each month goes by. Odd how distance does that. We've officially decided when I get home, we're getting married. it should be interesting, planning a wedding from over the Atlantic. But it won't be anything big either. I think really, we just want to go to the courthouse, make it official, then have a "reception" maybe a week or so later, invite family, and friends, and whatnot. Definitely not anything really fancy or huge. I don't even think I'll wear a white dress. Haha! But, formalities really don't become us. We've always been the weird, off the wall couple. And frankly, before, when we were trying to plan a wedding (about 2 years ago), I dunno...the idea of a traditional wedding I think was us trying to fit into an idea that just wasn't OUR idea. Our idea is a lot different; always has been. I guess that's why we ended up together. We're both a set of misfit people in this world, trying to figure out our ways, and where we need to go and what we need to do. Then somewhere along the line, we found each other. Oh hey! Wow! We're just alike! Let's do this thing together. I feel like our relationship is starting to come full circle, after everything that we've been through in the last year and a half. Not to mention, personally, we're both coming full circle. Or at least most of it. There'll always be something new to tackle, but I guess in the last year, we've learned a lot about who we are as individuals, and onward we go I guess.

  

Just a few songs that I feel like have been summing up how I feel about all of this lately. And shush, I have a thing for Adam Lambert now. Deal with it. :-P ;-)

The toughest part is going back and forth between feeling like I have a handle on things, and then feeling like I'm left totally alone. And honestly it sucks. Sometimes I don't mind how things are going at all, for better or worse, then something happens to set me off and make me feel worthless and useless and unloved. And it's REALLY annoying. A part of me is wanting to find a way to stand on my own 2 feet, and be as independent as possible, clear my name, and move on in life. Then a part of me gets angry and screams and cries, because I feel like there's no one there to just take care of me when I need it. Sometimes I want to be a spoiled, pampered brat, and sometimes I just want to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. Let me do this on my own. Sometimes, I feel like an overgrown 4 year old. You know...when they first start figuring out that they can try and tie their own shoes, or reach the cup on the counter, or can climb to the top of a jungle gym. But then as soon as their shoe laces are in a knot, or the cup gets knocked over and makes a mess, or they're too afraid to climb down, they start crying and run to mommy for help. And i guess that's where my frustration kicks in. Sometimes I feel like there's no one I can run to for help. I know, I'd say about 85% of the time, that's ok. I gotta learn how to do this on my own anyway, so what the hell. But that last 15% of the time, I wish I could just call someone and cry and bitch and yell at the to take care of it for me, and they will, and I don't need to worry about it anymore.And my shitty parental situation doesn't help matters. I wish I could just call mom and dad and ask for help, and have someone help me through this, but I can't. I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner, cheering me on and helping take care of me. But like I said, sometimes it doesn't bother me. Sometimes it does. Sometimes I wish I had that safety net, but then sometimes I know not having that safety net is just going to make me learn how to walk that tight rope all the faster, even if I pee my pants in the process out of fear. Yeah yeah yeah harsh image. Whatever. If you know me, by now you know I talk like that from time to time.

There've been 2 things I tend to think of when I'm thinking of all this going on business. Before I left the US, Irene, the lady who runs the office of the Red Cross I volunteer at, and I were talking about this year. Keep in mind, she's from Italy, and moved Stateside. She pointed out to me, that doing something like this 'alone' could be good, because it'd be a chance to live and learn. I had honestly never thought of it like that before. And, sometimes when I do get upset about things, I remember her telling me that. And, she would know. I know she's done similar things in her life, and she's been there done that. So it's not just some well wish, it's her experience talking.

The other is a phrase my friend Tom told me a few weeks ago when we went out one night. "Avec des si, on mettrait Paris en bouteille" which basically translates as "With all the whatifs in the world, you could put Paris in a bottle." He kept saying it was a really cynical phrase, and it actually is...BUT...it's also very, very true. It took me a while to figure out what the hell the saying meant, but once I started getting a grasp on it, it did give me a new perspective. If you keep on saying what if, or woulda shoudla coulda but didn't, or whatever, the worse and worse it gets. Sure, the what if scenarios MAY be true, and yes hindsight is always 20/20, but the more you dwell on them, the worse it makes things. And seriously, putting Paris in a bottle would be pretty screwed up. But whatifs just lead to reducing and messing with what's already there, til you have practically nothing left.

And I guess that's the point I took away from that phrase. I know, I'm horrible about actually following that. I tend to dwell on things, it's always been a bad habit. My mom used to get on me for it all the time. What's that tell you? And, some friends recently have helped me gain more perspective on things that have been happening. I guess, once I sat there and bitched and moaned about it, things got clearer now. It just all makes so much more sense. For better or for worse. Maybe my head was in my ass about a lot of things...but even if it was, I guess the point now is I realized that, and now it's time to fix the problem. The distance has been good for that. Though I have no idea how things'll resolve, I guess this isn't the time to be worried about that either. I have 3 papers to write in 3 weeks, 2 French, one German, a boatload of research to do on them, and frankly that's a lot more important at the moment. I'll figure out what to do at home when I get home.