Dreamworld, I'm Alive, Silence

So today was pretty good. Actually, this week has been really good. It's definitely springtime here now, with amazing sunny weather, blue skies, and a WONDERFUL lack of homework or papers. Sure I have exams to review for, but really, I'm to a point where I just want to do that once break is over. I might review some over break, since I don't have any major plans other than a possible day trip to Offenburg, Germany (a town maybe half an hour from here or so. I know by train it's like 15 minutes). But anyway before I ramble too much...

Melinda texted me in the middle of the afternoon, asking if I wanted to come hang with her at l'Orangerie. Now, I hadn't been to l'Orangerie yet (a park that was built back in the day by Napoléon for his first wife, Josephine, yet she never visited the park) and I was looking for an excuse to leave the house anyway. I was going to make the trip to Kehl and stock  up on some necessities, but once Mellinda got a hold of me, I figured I could grab the things I REALLY needed here in Stras (the rest is eventual needs, and I can get later) and meet her there. I even offered to pick up some food for a mini picnic, and took a blanket too. Thanks mom for drilling the "Girl Scout Motto" in my head as a kid. ;)

And speaking of, we saw a troop of French Girl Scouts hiking through the park, decked out in their uniforms. Major awwww moment for me, as I remembered doing the same thing as a kid. My mom was a Girl Scout, so naturally she stuck me in it when I was a kid, and honestly, I am glad she did. It wasn't always my favorite thing to do, but I have some fond memories of it, and it was definitely something we got to share before she passed. It made me really wish she was still alive, but for once, definitely not in a sad way. It was kinda happy, actually. And as Monday was the 11 year anniversary (I was going to jump on here and blog about it, but changed my mind. That story is tucked in my actual journal), it was actually a nice change to think about her and smile, instead of bawl my eyes out and freeze half to death (which is what happened Monday).

We had a wonderful time today though, just sitting in the sun and talking, and watching the Cigognes fly around. Yep, we even heard the mating call, and saw a little Stork Lovin' going on too. Hahaha! There was one that flew over us too with a stick in her mouth for her nest. Very cool, indeed. And it was the first time I actually SAW a Cigogne (which...well would be like living in Indiana, and not seeing a Cardinal. Just doesn't happen/that's our state bird). After the way it transpired, I had to joke with Melinda that we were REAL Alsatians now, not only having seen the regional bird, but seen the regional bird try to keep the population levels up. Hahaha!

But anyway, we talked about how we couldn't believe it was already April, and how it just seems that time is flying so fast. It really is. Blink, and March is gone. It's already been 2 weeks since the last concert and after next week we're on Easter Break til the beginning of May. May is finals, then June I'm hanging out, and the end of the month I'm headed back stateside. What? You mean to tell me this adventure is winding down? Insanity! It can't be! I feel like I just got here! I feel like I have so much more I need to do, and see, and feel, and experience, and learn, and...and...and...

Well anyway, point is, I wish I could freeze time to this point of my life. Yeah I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way, but it's true. I've had such a wonderful time here. I mean, it's had its struggles and drama, but that's a given; that's just life. I know in the moment I was a pretty big baby, but looking at it with some time between me and the bad situations, it's all been a learning experience. And then stepping even further away from that and looking I've realized, for the first time in my life, my life has been GOOD. I've been able to start clearing out the crap. No, debts aren't paid or anything like that, but I'm not talking about that crap. I'm talking about my own messes. I've been able to push myself away from the crap, and start actually growing up, and learning, and seeing what's really there. Life's been beautiful, for the first time. I mean, life has seriously been really good. Not without challenges but they're...normal...challenges. You know, managing money, weighing necessity versus pleasure, just stuff you always have to think about. That's life haha! It sucks, because I want to just jump on a train every weekend, and go see this that and the other place, and I can't. Ah well, there are worse problems, right?

It's just been...it's been nice to finally experience the nicer side of life for once. Not even just the nice side of life, but to feel ALIVE. That's what was missing before. I didn't feel alive. I didn't feel like I was living the life I have, even though I so desperately wanted to. Fort Wayne, and everything there, was killing me, slowly. I needed to get out, and get away. I needed to remove myself from all that, and finally see something else. And not just see another country, though anyone who knows me knows how desperately I wanted to, but I've seen other things that are just deeper than seeing a Gothic cathedral, or street signs printed in another language. This is about seeing LIFE; seeing things we need to see as human beings. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The up, the down, the in, and the out.

That video, the song, I think sums up exactly how I feel about this whole adventure. "I'm Alive" by Zoo Army. Yes I'm still on my Gil Ofarim kick, but honestly, the more and more I listen to his music, the more and more it ends up not just being a cute German musician to obsess over, but a soundtrack. So many of his songs--English and German--have become something I can identify with. Being away from home, feeling alone, cutting yourself out of the trap your life's put you in to move to bigger and better things, feeling that burning adoration for someone else, that withstands distance and separation in hopes of reuniting to create a life together and having a "home," solitude and time healing wounds and teaching important lessons, being able to stand on your own, and not needing anyone else to be that for you...it seems all the major things I've learned and dealt with since leaving have been described in his music. And sometimes, it's a comfort to know that someone else out there "gets it."

Has it been a challenge? You better believe it has been. It's not been without it's fighting and crying and screaming and bitching and moaning. But the thing is, all the struggles have actually ended. By that I mean, I go through them, but there's actually a resolve in the end. I honestly haven't ever had that before; it just always seemed like suffering for the sake of suffering before. Yeah, I know, it could've been a lot worse and all that. And, it's been hard letting go (mentally and emotionally) of the things in my past, but had I not left home like I had, I don't know if I ever would've managed even an attempt at it.

The sad part is though, I have to go back. I've known I'd have to go back, as soon as I left. I guess there's that much, but even if that's true, the idea of going back is still a hard idea to swallow. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Hell, I figured out how to manage myself in 2 foreign countries, if I can do that, I'm sure I can manage myself in a town I've lived in for 22 years. But I don't want to go there. The point of all this rambling is to be happy and looking on the bright side of everything. Every rose has its thorns, but I don't want to focus on the thorns too much. Point is, I've finally been able to look at the rose AND the thorns, and actually see how pretty the rose is, despite the fact it can potentially hurt you. Just be smart about it, and try to dodge the thorns, but if you get stuck anyway, find the way to mend the wound and let it heal, and in due time, it'll be all right.