Pleurer et Pleuvoir (Tears and Rain)

Ugh so the bad part: the dreaded credit card payment I started making before I left is coming up. And of course, I'm not counting on my dad paying anything so I'm having to foot right out of my own pocket. Guess in a way I don't mind because I have to for part of it anyway, but I was told the end of the month. Here we are on the 30th, and guess who hasn't had a check put into her account yet...

So that all said on to the...well at least more thoughtful parts of being here.

I've been crying a lot since the day I left. Not all bad mind you, but still, a lot of crying. I bawled my eyes out the day I left, as Brandon headed out the door to leave for class. I cried the whole morning to the point that I left my carry on in his house, and locked the door (thank GOD he left the bedroom window open, else I'd have been screwed). So I had to climb in and get it that way. I cried as I told Penny and Zim (the cutest little puppy and kitty EVER.) Mommy loved them and would see them later. Yes Brandon's pets know me as Mommy. I cried at the airport as Debbie and Henri told me goodbye.

I cried my first night here. First time I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years, clutching the stuffed Tiger Brandon made for me at Build a Bear nearly 5 years ago, just after we started dating. I woke up still clinging to it. It was hard that night going to bed alone for the first time in months. Even earlier in the evening, I got out and walked around because I refused to let myself mope around a tiny little room and pity myself. That's not why I came all the way over here. If I wanted to do that, I'd have stayed in Fort Wayne. I mean, it goes without saying there'll be bad days, but that's just life. I have no good reason to mope and cry about while I'm here. Even this damn credit card at worst is a minor annoyance, really. Because if my dad doesn't pay, I'll just take him back to court when I get home, not to mention a good chunk of the bill will be paid off (in fact the part I would owe on would be mostly paid). So whatever. As much as that damn thing bothered me at home (and yeah in some ways still bothers me), it's thousands of miles away and frankly as long as they get the amount settled on every month, who cares?

But that was all the crying out of sadness, loneliness, or anger. Since, it's been a mix of so many emotions. Sometimes I walk down the street and miss everyone at home, and wish they were with me right now, and I catch myself sniffling a little bit. But it goes as quick as it comes. I've had a cry or 2 for my mom since getting here, especially as I walked home from Germany. I gave myself a few minutes to cry and say "I miss you Mom," before heading on home. But I've had moments where I was so happy, I cried. As the plane flew over Strasbourg, and I could see the cathedral from the sky (that thing is HUGE), I cried.

The most monumental cry I've had though was just the other night. I was out wandering around, as I just really didn't feel like sitting in front of a computer screen all night. So I grabbed my headphones, my keys, my phone, about 4 euros in change, and out the door I went. I had no idea where I was gonna end up. Ended up having a vague idea of where I was going, but I didn't map out my route before I left.

So in the end, I wound up at the cathedral. I have to admit it, I love it there. I was in some ways used to seeing old Gothic styled churches, as Fort Wayne has so many mini versions thereof, but nothing had prepared me for something as magnificently huge as the cathedral here. All the shops, restaurants, and tourists add a certain charm I would normally say take away from a place like that, but this particular night I got there after all but a few cafes and a gelato stand were closed. The stores had been packed up, the vendors at home for the night, the tourists in their hotels, or seeing the night life, just a few people wandered about as I did.

I stopped in front of the cathedral, looking at all the details of saints, angels, kings, and historical figures adorning the front of the cathedral entryways. I tilted my head up, craning my neck to try and see the very tippy top of the steeple as best as I could in the night light. I was listening to "Operator" by Jim Croce, and then "Say" by John Mayer. I think the bell even started ringing at some point as I stood there, sounding out through the night.

That's when I lost it.

Every emotion I've had recently just hit me. The good, the bad, and the ugly; the fights, the struggles, the successes, the failures, at that moment culminated and I realized--REALLY realized--I had made it. I had arrived at the point I'd been waiting for all my life. I stood there, in front of a centuries old place of worship that had withstood weather, war, and time itself, as a beacon over a modernizing city, showing the world the story of where it stood, and I realized I was only here witnessing it, because I had worked hard and suffered through the things I went through to be standing at that very spot, at that very moment. Nothing else mattered anymore. All those bad things were now part of the story, not the puddles of mud I trudged through to just get by. All those happy moments now meant even more to me, because I saw how special they all were.

The only thing that killed the emotional rush I was on (but in some ways added to it), was I happened to look over and saw a couple, kissing happily. It was really a beautiful sight, and I actually watched for a second versus looking away (It's just a thing with me, if I'm around a couple, and they kiss, I look away, as a measure of respect). At that moment, I found myself wishing Brandon was there with me, sharing that moment I was feeling. It kind of hurt, but in the same breath, it just added to the experience of it all: the pain, the happiness, the relief, the curiosity. It only hurt though, because I love, and I honestly believe sometimes that's the best way to feel because even though it hurts, you hurt because you care, and to care is one of the most amazing things a person can do.

I guess the title of this is all too appropriate. I've been crying most of the time I've been writing, and it's been a rainy day today in Strasbourg (been cloudy and gross for a few days now really). I have 2 and a half hours to kill yet and I really don't know what to do. If I get wandering downtown, I'll miss my class, but going home has no point really, other than maybe to fix my hair but whatever. It's not that important haha!

I think I may as well head out though, and figure out what to do from this point on.
<3Eri

L'histoire d'une Strasbourgeoise

Ok so may be I'm not a true strabourgeoise, but I've taken to calling myself that since I'm going to be here for quite some time. :)

Most of my spare time is, sadly, spent hanging out in fast food joints with free wifi because the university is so damn stupid when it comes to this stuff. Ugh. I have to pay 10 euro a month for internet, and I can't even get it in my dorm. Trust me, I was throwing together some major strings of words over that one. And now I'm forced into waiting all weekend until I can actually talk to someone. Yeah, I'm not too happy

That aside though, I've had a lot on my mind about a lot of things: meeting people, my family/friends (anymore it seems like that line is blurred, and friends are family, and family are my friends. Not that I mind), money, seeing the country I'm in, and some such things. Before getting here, all I could think about was leaving the US, and seeing the world, and now that I'm here, I just want everyone here with me. Guess I still really don't want to leave Strasbourg. I love it here. The short time I've been here, it's already starting to feel like home, and i feel more at ease here than I ever did at home. I feel like Erika...not someone known by affiliation with someone else, but ME. I can finally cut myself out of all the crap I was part of at home, and begin a new life, as my own person, on my own terms, I can be myself, and if you don't like it fuck you very much walk out the door you came striding in through.

I never minded being in a new place, not knowing anyone. I've been in that situation a few times. Not as much as some, but definitely more than most. I'm ok with it, for the most part. I like being on my own terms, and thinking and deciding and choosing for myself. Shit, even things like cleaning and the laundry are so different because now i'm doing it on my time frame. I leave when I want, I get home when I want. I watch my spending (sort of), turn on my music, and go out and explore wherever and whenever I damn well please. I'm alone with my imagination, which, well if you know me, sometimes that's all the more company I need to keep. Strasbourg's been kind to my creativity, if nothing else those surges that all artistic people feel have been coming back. Even if I don't act on it, it's nice being able to feel that again. I guess though, I'm starting to get wrestless and really want to meet and befriend more people, here. I swear I call and text the US, Canada, and Austria more than I do here in France. That's not saying people are horrible to me or anything. Aside from maybe one or 2 very isolated incidents (which I'm not going into on here), it's been fine. People have been nice, and are courteous when they realize I'm not from here. Sometimes they revert to English when they realize my accent, or they keep talking to me in French because I initiated in French, but it almost always ends in "Where are you from?" I definitely don't mind that question at all. God knows I asked it a million times at home whenever I heard a non American accent. But, most days end up with me tucked in a corner, hiding from the world, and just wondering when I won't be going out every night alone. At least a few times a week out would be nice...

Anyway, that all said, I made the trip over into Germany yesterday, and had an absolutely WONDERFUL time. The town right over the Rhine, Kehl, is all of a 20 minute ride away (minus the waiting time on the bus...WHICH IS SO MUCH LESS THAN IT WAS IN FORT WAYNE!). It's a nice little quaint town. the central shopping district isn't much more than what a plaza would be in the USA. I loved it though. The city is pretty, with a few churches, some bookstores, and even a WW2 Holocaust memorial on the side of one of the churches in town (not the biggest, but the central one). And just like here, almost everything/everyone uses French and German. I didn't have much of a chance to actually speak German, but when people spoke to me in German it wasn't too bad. I'll definitely be going back again. Nothing else, some practical needs are a smidgen cheaper there than in Strasbourg, and it's worth the trek over there. I was saddened though that the only German music I could find was Bushido (rap...i like him but buying his CDs isn't high on the list) and Tokio Hotel. Yes, I still love TH, but the only CD they had that I didn't already own in some format was the latest live CD, and I'm not as big on getting live CDs as I was. I have TH's last live CD and barely listen to it. I was REALLY hoping they'd have Acht's CD, as no matter what I still LOVE Gil Ofarim, but alas they didn't. No OOMPH either. i didn't look for Rammstein but they're kinda low on the list too. Not because i don't like them, but their stuff is relatively easy to come by in the US. Or to download. Come to think of it I didn't find Cinema Bizarre either, but since they split almost a year ago, I wasn't really looking either. So it looks like I'll have to trek further inland to see if I can't find all that.

Anyway, I digress. Germany was awesome. The weather was horrible for being a tourist, but the city is amazing. The main church there (I think it was to St. Romuk, whoever he was lol I've never heard the name before and I'm not Catholic, so forgive me) had a neat little garden that I went and sat in for a minute. there was a neat old stone chair in the middle, and all these trees that grew so thick over it that the rain didn't get through. I should've stayed there longer than I did; it was an honestly calm, relaxing place. It was almost like the leaves on the trees kept everything out...not just the rain. And I found a Hot Topic-esque kind of store. That shop is for sure getting a visit or two from me :D

I made the silly mistake though, of walking all the way home from Kehl. HAHA it was kind of by accident. No seriously, it was accidental! I wanted to take the footbridge home, and the catch a bus or tram or whatever back to my dorm. Well, by the time a bus showed up I was on the wrong side of the road and decided the time I would take waiting on the bus to get home, I'd make some decent progress home. So I hoofed it all the way back to my dorm. hahahaha! My feet hated me so much for that one! But I made out with some neat stuff; one of my favorite books, 'Das Parfum' by Patrick Suskind in its original German, and something for Brandon for Christmas (but I'm not saying what here in case he reads it :D), and a bunch of post cards and other cool little things. Kehl had some VERY cheap stores with cool little things in them. I'll be going back for sure.

Anyway I had probably better let this go, and get out of here. I think I wanna go do some walking tonight...and I need coffee...BADLY! XD

<3Eri

Finally in Strasbourg

I've been here for a week now, and wow is all I can say (as I sit in an Italian cafe, a few blocks from school). I've already quite the crazy experiences, and the one class I've had, I really enjoyed!

Homesickness comes and goes. The day I left (last Monday) I bawled my eyes out most of the day, and Brandon could barely make it out the door to class. I have to say, leaving him has been the hardest part. It was like a nail being torn from the finger, so to speak. I really do feel like, even if I'm having a wonderful day, that half of who I am isn't here. A crucial part of me is thousands of miles away, and I can't just turn around, go a few streets away, and get it. There's no "I'll see you tomorrow after class," and a simple return. 6 hours time difference, an ocean, and more money than we have right now stand in the way.

 However it's a lot better already. I'm trying to adjust to using French on a daily basis (though today someone misunderstood "bouteille d'eau" as "potato" That's definitely not something I ever counted on happening hahahahaha!), and it's going all right. Sometimes people switch into English to help me out, and sometimes I don't mind. Sometimes, it's annoying because I WANT to get used to using French regularly. Nothing else I'm living here...I need to be able to do as much.

Overall though, I love it here. It's so much more wonderful than Fort Wayne. I've barely been in my dorm long enough to do anything other than sleep and shower. There's so much to do and see. I finally met up with Tom today, which was great. It was nice to see a familiar face, and to not feel so alone. And I had my first tarte flambée which was YUMMY! :-D Everything here is so pretty. Sadly there's also a lot of graffiti but oh well. It's so wonderful to just walk around and see what's here.

But anyway I had better be going. I need to get home, and get things ready for tomorrow, and get a shower and all that lovely stuff.

<3Erika

A week to go

Well first things first. I spent about an hour and a half on the phone with my Uncle Bobby today. Despite all the bad in my immediate family over the last almost year now, it's nice that I'm getting back in touch with the rest of them. Sadly it's taken something like this for it to happen, but I feel so incredibly blessed and happy that I have my family back, and we're all becoming close again.

It's just more of the same waiting game. Waiting for Wednesday, waiting for next Monday. Ugh. It's driving me crazy. I downloaded The Eagle's "Take it Easy" some time ago in an attempt to remind myself to chill. "Don’t let the sound of your own wheels, Drive you crazy" sounds like me. I'm always worrying about something: money, legal processes, food, where the heck am I going to go in a city in a foreign country so I'm not sleeping on the streets? XD (Sleeping on the streets is something I lashed out about a lot over the last few months, but I guess sometimes I actually make fun of myself for being so close to that option. Nothing else so I can cope) But in the same token, most of my questions have been answered with a simple email or Google search. I found out I'll be about half a block from a bank, a block from a tram station, and about a 15 minute drive from Kehl, Germany (all that info thanks to Google Earth).

Brandon and I swapped going away gifts today. I put together a scrapbook of us, and some song lyrics that I felt portrayed our relationship, and pictures of us over the years. There only ended up being maybe a quarter of the pages I wanted to do, done, but I was running short on time and money. Some of the pages were definitely very Erika styled pages, others were more Brandon styled, and the very last one was just over all symbolic of the situation we'll be in. I have to say I was proud of what I did. I'd never scrapbooked before, but it's looking like it could become a regular hobby once I come back. :-D

He got me a baby Horde windrider plushie (WOW stuff lol), which was adorable. My main was a Blood Elf warlock, and I tend to prefer the Horde anyway. And the whole me going overseas, it made the gift. So now I have a baby windrider, watching over me as I cross the Atlantic. ^_^ I have no idea what to name the little dude though. lol.

I got to see my little dudes, Caleb and Preston, the other day as well. Debbie and I took them to a park, and played, then went to McDonald's and got them dinner. Curses to those little ones for making me consider motherhood. HAHA! No, maybe not that strong, but anytime I'm around them, the biological clock starts ticking (OMG I NEVER THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE AN ISSUE AT 24!!! ok rant over). They're sweeties though. They got to see Brandon's dog, Penny, and played with her. It was ADORABLE. Debbie took a million pictures, and I can't wait til she gets them loaded online. ^_^

But, back to the worry thing. I try not to worry TOO much, as I know once I get there everything'll work itself out. I mean, I would LOVE to get a job and make some money on the side just to feel better about my situation. But at the same time, I know a lot of these worries can't be hashed out until I get there. And some not for a few more days. So what is, is, and I frankly can't worry too much at this point.

I'm just trying to keep it cool until I have to be in court. Once that happens, it's all downhill from there. Lots of unneeded stress, but i have to handle this first.

Anyway, it's 4 am and I should really be in bed. <3