So that all said on to the...well at least more thoughtful parts of being here.
I've been crying a lot since the day I left. Not all bad mind you, but still, a lot of crying. I bawled my eyes out the day I left, as Brandon headed out the door to leave for class. I cried the whole morning to the point that I left my carry on in his house, and locked the door (thank GOD he left the bedroom window open, else I'd have been screwed). So I had to climb in and get it that way. I cried as I told Penny and Zim (the cutest little puppy and kitty EVER.) Mommy loved them and would see them later. Yes Brandon's pets know me as Mommy. I cried at the airport as Debbie and Henri told me goodbye.
I cried my first night here. First time I cried myself to sleep for the first time in years, clutching the stuffed Tiger Brandon made for me at Build a Bear nearly 5 years ago, just after we started dating. I woke up still clinging to it. It was hard that night going to bed alone for the first time in months. Even earlier in the evening, I got out and walked around because I refused to let myself mope around a tiny little room and pity myself. That's not why I came all the way over here. If I wanted to do that, I'd have stayed in Fort Wayne. I mean, it goes without saying there'll be bad days, but that's just life. I have no good reason to mope and cry about while I'm here. Even this damn credit card at worst is a minor annoyance, really. Because if my dad doesn't pay, I'll just take him back to court when I get home, not to mention a good chunk of the bill will be paid off (in fact the part I would owe on would be mostly paid). So whatever. As much as that damn thing bothered me at home (and yeah in some ways still bothers me), it's thousands of miles away and frankly as long as they get the amount settled on every month, who cares?
But that was all the crying out of sadness, loneliness, or anger. Since, it's been a mix of so many emotions. Sometimes I walk down the street and miss everyone at home, and wish they were with me right now, and I catch myself sniffling a little bit. But it goes as quick as it comes. I've had a cry or 2 for my mom since getting here, especially as I walked home from Germany. I gave myself a few minutes to cry and say "I miss you Mom," before heading on home. But I've had moments where I was so happy, I cried. As the plane flew over Strasbourg, and I could see the cathedral from the sky (that thing is HUGE), I cried.
The most monumental cry I've had though was just the other night. I was out wandering around, as I just really didn't feel like sitting in front of a computer screen all night. So I grabbed my headphones, my keys, my phone, about 4 euros in change, and out the door I went. I had no idea where I was gonna end up. Ended up having a vague idea of where I was going, but I didn't map out my route before I left.
So in the end, I wound up at the cathedral. I have to admit it, I love it there. I was in some ways used to seeing old Gothic styled churches, as Fort Wayne has so many mini versions thereof, but nothing had prepared me for something as magnificently huge as the cathedral here. All the shops, restaurants, and tourists add a certain charm I would normally say take away from a place like that, but this particular night I got there after all but a few cafes and a gelato stand were closed. The stores had been packed up, the vendors at home for the night, the tourists in their hotels, or seeing the night life, just a few people wandered about as I did.
I stopped in front of the cathedral, looking at all the details of saints, angels, kings, and historical figures adorning the front of the cathedral entryways. I tilted my head up, craning my neck to try and see the very tippy top of the steeple as best as I could in the night light. I was listening to "Operator" by Jim Croce, and then "Say" by John Mayer. I think the bell even started ringing at some point as I stood there, sounding out through the night.
That's when I lost it.
Every emotion I've had recently just hit me. The good, the bad, and the ugly; the fights, the struggles, the successes, the failures, at that moment culminated and I realized--REALLY realized--I had made it. I had arrived at the point I'd been waiting for all my life. I stood there, in front of a centuries old place of worship that had withstood weather, war, and time itself, as a beacon over a modernizing city, showing the world the story of where it stood, and I realized I was only here witnessing it, because I had worked hard and suffered through the things I went through to be standing at that very spot, at that very moment. Nothing else mattered anymore. All those bad things were now part of the story, not the puddles of mud I trudged through to just get by. All those happy moments now meant even more to me, because I saw how special they all were.
I guess the title of this is all too appropriate. I've been crying most of the time I've been writing, and it's been a rainy day today in Strasbourg (been cloudy and gross for a few days now really). I have 2 and a half hours to kill yet and I really don't know what to do. If I get wandering downtown, I'll miss my class, but going home has no point really, other than maybe to fix my hair but whatever. It's not that important haha!
I think I may as well head out though, and figure out what to do from this point on.
<3Eri
No comments:
Post a Comment