Christmas in Alsace

So it's finally beginning to feel like winter. It was still weird, feeling like Fall just kind of drifted in and out, unnoticed for the most part. I think it was because there was no Halloween or Thanksgiving here, and then all of a sudden brrrr it's in the 30's, and I'm freezing and my hair is getting wrecked by the weather. Lovely, eh?

So with the welcoming of winter (bleh...if you know me you know how much I LOATHE cold weather, and snow, and rain, and cloudy skies), Melinda and I decided to head out and see what's up with the Christmas Markets. They're not up and running yet, not entirely, but most are. There were TONS of vendors up at Place Kleber, while Place de Broglie is more or less still being assembled. Lots of booths are up by the Cathedral too, but I think we were out a little too late to see them. Ah well, not like they won't be up for the next month or anything. It was really neat though, getting out and seeing the markets, and the vendors. If I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel, I will try vin chaud/gluehwin this winter. So many people have gone on in my German classes about how awesome it is, that I basically have to try it now. (Is it bad I remember a scene from a Gil fanfic I read YEARS ago where they were drinking gluehwin? hahahaha ok we'll pretend I didn't say that)

But anyway I just had a wonderful time out tonight. I needed to get out of my cramped little dorm. All it's been lately is work, school, stress, school, sleep, rinse, repeat. Being out walking in the city was a welcomed change of pace, and I always have a good time hanging out with Melinda. I have to say, I'm glad I went up and talked to her in Droit International Public. She's probably the best friend I've made here in Strasbourg, and now with her being the second friend I've made from Ontario, looks like a trip to Toronto will be in order when I get back Stateside.

So anyway, it was really...magical...being out tonight. It was the totally predictable pretty winter evening, but you need that sometimes. It started snowing while we were out (and yes I whined about my hair getting wrecked hahahahaha!), and as much as I hate snow, it was really pretty. It's not cold enough for it to start sticking, so that helped. And it was those big white fluffy flakes too, that stick to everything and make it look really cool (except when it's my glasses lol). It was really cool. Melinda enjoyed it more than I did, but I have to agree with her this time: It was really cool, seeing it snow. Just kind of made the night even better. And I also had a good day in class. I finally felt like I get what's going on, and wasn't bored and restless all day. Definitely a good change of pace! I felt more on my game, so to speak, and felt like I got something out of going to class.

I'm glad I finally had a good time for the first time in a while. I won't go into any pity party anything. Frankly, I'm done complaining about things. Not saying I don't care, but I've had enough of myself. I'm living in France for crying outloud. Yeah, shit happens, and yeah I could've made better choices here and there, and I realize that now. But you know, this is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, and I kicked my own ass and pushed myself, and drug myself day through goddamn day to get here. There's no reason to continue wallowing. Life sucks some days, and then the next, it's back to being damn amazing. And for the first time, I can say I've watched my life actually go from good to bad to good to bad to somewhere in between. It's not a perpetual struggle anymore, with one or 2 sweet spots dropped in for good measure. It's generally good, with a few rough spots. I guess I just don't care about shit anymore. I've let shit mess with me long enough. It's not saying i shouldn't get mad about things. I should...and good Lord do I EVER get mad. But I need to stop letting it bother me like I usually do. It may suck for a while, but letting it bother me isn't making it any better.

Anyway, I better get going. gonna do some real writing (haha) and then go to bed. The cold and the snow wore me out.

<3Eri

Bon Anniversaire a MOI! ^_^

So as it's my birthday weekend, I should totally update, right? ;) I've been meaning to all week, but I haven't had the chance to.

Bad parts first (because I'm the type that likes to leave on a high note). I've been super stressed with school lately, be it being able to get my butt up and get to school in the AM, or knowing even WHERE or WHEN my classes are (one of the dates got changed, and I missed 2 classes, as I had no idea where to go or when). And then note taking, finals schedules, studying, blah blah blah. It's been tough. It's such a different system here, which I'm not criticizing, but it's not what i'm used to. It's to the point anymore where I hate school. No, seriously, I hate going to class. I haven't felt like this since I changed my degree. I loved school, loved my classes, everything. I mean ok I like some of my classes, and the profs are pretty cool, actually, but I hate sitting through class. Some more than others. I don't feel like I'm being taught, I feel like I'm being talked at and I have to type or scribble as much info as I possibly can. So that's all been weighing on me.

And of course the Almighty Dollar. Yep. Problems there too. Now before I rant too much, I know there's been some irresponsible spending or whatever on my behalf, but that said, I'm really mad now, because I'm out $300. First off, I've been trying to pay this damn credit card, without my dad paying what he owes me. Joy, right? There goes $150, and now i'm going to have to call them and say "look I can't afford this and here's why." Ugh, I'm NOT looking forward to this. Seriously. I'm stressed enough with my classes, I don't need to worry about paying my phone bill (I went on a phone plan, versus a prepay. They let me shut it off when I leave, and no extra charges. I went nuts this month on my phone bill, oops, but I think I got all the irresponsible texting done hahaha! Just staying within my plan now), and having food. But on a good note, I got a HUGE care package (2 boxes) from my aunt and uncle in Kentucky. I have food for a while now. INCLUDING CRUNCHY AND CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER! hahaha. And Ramen, and Chef Boyardee.

I got my paperwork for my OFII appointment. Thank God for that, finally. That's another thing that has me worried, paying for the medical exam. It's not that expensive, but, well, let's say that's how short on money I am right now. But I've said enough about that. I also should be hearing Tuesday afternoon about the editing job...FINALLY. Want to talk about a good solution...lol.

Ok, ok, ok, GOOD STUFF NOW!

I love how we match, yet look like a huge contradiction ahaha!

Last Saturday I went to a concert with Melinda, Ryan Cabrera and Boyce Avenue. Now, I admit I haven't listened to Ryan Cabrera since he was blonde and dating Ashlee Simpson when I was in high school, and I had never heard of Boyce Avenue, but I had a good time. I'm always down for new music, and since Melinda was nice enough to buy my ticket, sure why not?

Ryan was actually pretty decent, just him and his guitar. I don't know if it was this concert or what, but the French people were a bunch of sticks in the mud, just standing there. I had to get people cheering and clapping. Hahaha! I don't know how many times Melinda said I was "so loud" but hey! I go to shows to have fun. I mean geesh, Germans know how to have fun at shows, what the heck French people? hahaha! Like really, come on, it's a show you want to be at, HAVE FUN!!!!! Haha! Enough of my ranting! I did get a reaction out of Ryan though. It was pretty awesome actually...he made a comment about his "ghetto French" where I started giggling (and if you know how I giggle, you know how loud it was), and he looks around like, "Uh I dunno what the joke was but ok!" Oh my god, I felt bad because I wasn't laughing at him as in "haha you dumbass" I thought it was a fun little joke he made! It was humor! Of course though, did the French people laugh? Nope. *sighs* I'm gonna have to teach France about going to shows. For REAL! hahaha! I mean, all the insane stories I heard about French Tokio Hotel fans, I'm thinking I'm going to go and people are going to be excited and have fun. Not be the crazy people like I mentioned, but excited at least. Geesh. What a disappointment. XD

But no he was a decent performer though, and I had fun listening to him. And the gig itself (La Laiterie) was small and intimate, kinda like the Acht show was. I love shows like that. You can actually connect to the people you're seeing, and not feel like one tiny face in a huge crowd.

So anyway, Boyce Avenue comes on, and I REALLY enjoyed them. They gave off this vibe of just being good people, and they were so clear, and it was just a really neat show to see. I started crying several times during the show, as some songs hit WAY close to home. One song, in particularly, Broken Angel, that Alejandro (their singer) even said was about a friend of his who seemed to always have a rough life, but now, she's able to use her bad experiences and help other people out. And another song, Briane, was written in memory of a friend's wife, who committed suicide. It was supposed to be what she would say, now, seeing her husband continue through his life. It made me think of what my mom might be saying now to me. I'm even tearing up now thinking about those songs.

But without being a Debbie Downer,  I had an overall VERY good time. After the show, we got to meet the band, and get autographs. Fabian (above pic, left) complimented my English. XD But then I was like "Oh hey I'm American!" So we talked for a sec about studying abroad. Very cool...not to mention he's a cutie. ;) (I'm still a sucker for a guy with a guitar...SHUSH) Then I got to mention the songs thing, and I got a hug from Alejandro (singer) and a "pat on the back" from Fabian. <3 I got Fabian's Autograph too (woot German moment...capitalizing nouns! hahaha!). It was an overall awesome night, and I'm really glad I went out.

Concert Afterglow

I crashed at Melinda's, and the next day we sat around doing homework. I'm pretty sure we randomly played "Out Of My Bed (Still In My Head)" more times than anyone SHOULD, just to break the silence and keep things from getting too serious. Hahahaha! I think "Tearin' Up My Heart" made an appearance too. XD Oh I love 90's pop sometimes...

The week was spent trying to motivate myself to get through my classes. I actually did ok, save for one, but I've been so stressed I wasn't sleeping very well. I really need to get myself to that class too...but I'll make that my goal for this week. Some of my classes were canceled too, so that doesn't count, but I'll make it to those too. I don't want my finals to end up being a disaster. I've been able to get some notes in classes I either have had a hard time with, or not been to, or missed. So this week = copying and saving notes, and all that. I really want to do well, at least get decent marks. This semester, for so many reasons, has been rough, so if I don't get perfect grades, fine. I just want to be able to pass. Next semester = stepping it up and doing better. Now that i have an idea of what's going on and what to expect, I can work with it better next semester.

My birthday went well. One of my friends, Mariela (she's from Bulgaria) met me for dinner at a Chinese place not too far from my dorm, then after Melinda and I went to a really nice place called "Pont Aux Chats." And, for the record, "chats" means cats, and well, with Brandon having nicknamed me Kitty, how convenient for my birthday? :D It was a good night. Not quite as goofy and crazy as last year (oh laughing and carrying on in the parking lot of IHOP with Brendan, Beth, Bosco, and Brandon...:D), but I'm just glad I had people who gave a shit enough to want to meet me and take me out for a night. :D

Anyway I better get going and finish getting ready. I'm meeting another girl from one of my classes and some of her friends this afternoon. Hopefully it'll be fun. <3

You showed him all the best of you
But I'm afraid your best
Wasn't good enough
And know he never wanted you
At least not the way
You wanted yourself to be loved
And you feel like you were a mistake
He's not worth all those tears that won't go away

I wish you could see that
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen

Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe

And now you've grown up
With this notion that you were to blame
And you seem so strong sometimes
But I know that you still feel the same
As that little girl who shined like an angel
Even after his lazy heart put you through hell

I wish you could see that
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen

Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams?
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe
He would leave you alone
And leave you so cold
When you were his daughter
But the blood in your veins
As you carry his name
Turns thinner than water
You're just a broken angel

And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault
And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault. ..

Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue

Currywurst and Nudie Cards

So being the immature person I am, I've been laughing all evening about a pack of nudie cards I bought in Kehl for a friend. No, that is not code speak to hide that I bought it for myself. I may go back and buy some for myself, but for now, I'm just buying them as gifts. Hahaha! I've had a few more requests, and thank god they're cheap. Hahahaha!

But today over all was a good day. Hung out with Melinda for the afternoon, and had fun introducing her to Currywurst, doing some shopping, and laughing about the nudie cards (she got the male pack, which was a riot to look through). I've got about 3 other people I want to buy a pack for to send home, INCLUDING Brandon's dad. HAHA! I'm really thrilled about one of my purchases today, too, excluding the nudie cards (I'm sorry I'm immature :P). I found a t-shirt I REALLY liked which says "hoffnungslos romantisch" (hopeless romantic) and it was marked 9,99. Well, I said, I'll suck it up and buy it. Splurge. And, I LOVE my t-shirts with funny/snarky/quirky/cute sayings on them. So I get to the register to pay, and guess what? It rings up 4,99! WIN! I was so happy. :D

And I was proud of myself for playing interpreter today. Makes up for forgetting "daraus" last weekend when I was there. Loverly, eh? But I made it through Kehl today, not having to switch to French or English. Definitely an accomplishment. Makes me feel better about having spent 3 years learning the language, and being able to understand more than Rammstein.

So yeah I was planning on writing more, but I REALLY gotta go finish this damn paper. I've been up all night, trudging my way through it (I took a nap earlier, so I have had SOME sleep) so I may as well try and finish. If not, I'm getting my butt up Sunday morning to finish. hahaha! I'm going to a concert with Melinda tonight, so yeah, looks like Sunday before 5 gotta get this done. Lovely. >.<

<3Erika

A year ago

Ich allein schlag meine Brücke,
bis sie mich hält und auf kein Schicksal baut

Es werde Licht
In allen Welten, wo der Nacht vor dem Tag anbricht
Und die Geier kreisen unendlich
Licht in dir, es werde Licht


(I alone build this bridge
Until it's strong enough to hold me, Fate did little

It gets better
In all the world, where the night is darkest before daybreak
And the vultures circle endlessly overhead
There's a light in you, and it will get better)


"Es werde Licht" by Acht (English translation done by me)


I remember November 9, 2009 very vividly. I had gotten home the night before, late, avoiding my father's house for a week after calling the cops on him. Friends wouldn't let me go home, for fear of me getting hurt due to his rage at me (and yeah, I called the cops on him...he would be pissed). I hid out mainly with Beth and Brandon, even went to see Gwar on the 5th. I think everyone was on pins and needles that week, though we all hid it well. Everyone at school knew what happened, everyone I worked with knew what happened, and that was fine. I was very open about it.

So the next morning, in getting ready to go to school, my dad obviously comes and tries to talk to me. No matter how much I tried to reason or explain at least my end of the bargain, I was met with him screaming and shouting, not to mention I had a HUGE German project I had to present that day, and I was trying to get out of the house early to get to school to prepare (and I had a 20 minute walk to get there. Now I know here in Europe that's nothing, in the US though? hahaha yeah that's just cruel and unusual XD). So my dad totally threw off my day.

I don't remember EVERYTHING that was said, though I remember details like what I was wearing, and whatnot, and that it was the last pretty fall day we had, but there is one part I remember in great detail. I mentioned this credit card thing (mind you I got sued over the summer, and was still livid about that), and how it wasn't getting paid. The conversation went as follows:

"So why won't you pay it when you said you would, if I let you use the card?"
"Because credit card companies are evil, and don't deserve my money." (referring to student loans and grants, and paychecks and other money I, my brother, and Debbie brought in)
*smirk* "You mean my money?"
"Your money? I'm the one who fills out the paperwork for it, therefore it's mine." (So what's the logic behind the paychecks everyone else went out and earned?)

Something else was said, this bit I forget, but somehow I mentioned my friends being there for me, and my dad went on his rant and rave about how family is there for you, friends aren't, because friends won't give you money, or when you need them, they just drop you and forget about you. I argued that mine weren't like that.

"Well if your friends are so great, why don't you just go live with them?!"
"Fine, I will."

I got on my computer, in tears, talked to Beth, told her what happened. She called her mom right then, asked if I could be put on their phone plan (which her mom covered until I got my school money in). A few weeks before, Brandon helped me sneak behind my dad's back, and get a bank account and my learner's permit (AND I STILL CAN'T DRIVE GRRR!), and all my paychecks were set up to direct deposit there (if I hadn't put them on my Macy's credit card I had at the time to hide them). I left for school soon thereafter, crying my eyes out, and went by Beth's dorm. Brandon happened to have to be on campus that day too, and both of them came out and met me, the crying, screaming mess that I was, and both of them were there to hug me and tell me it was ok. I'd be ok, and as much as I hurt, and as angry as I was, I'd soon realize that was the best thing that would happen to me.

I got through the day, talked to Dr. Roberts (my German prof), about what happened, trying not to break down again in his office (last thing he needed was an emotional twentysomething in his office when his wife was due to go into labor any day), and he was gracious and let me have one more class session til I could present. He gave me info to the on campus counselor, so I could go talk to someone, and get help. I headed to that office as soon as I left his.

After school, Brandon came to get me, and took me to Beth's dorm. I ditched everything but my cellphone and my house keys at her place, and left for dad's. I was still angry, and crying, but I sucked it up and walked in. Dad tried to greet me like nothing had happened. What did he expect? For the daughter he raised to be strong, independent, and to never rely on a man, to come crawling back sobbing about wanting daddy's forgiveness? Take me back daddy, I was wrong to question you taking advantage of my love for you, and exploiting what meager income I have! Hell no. I waltzed down to my room, packed a big blue suitcase with everything I could (I honestly can't remember if Brandon was with me at this point or not...I think he was, because at one point, I recall him grabbing one of the pictures I have of my mom, framed and said, "I don't think you want to forget your mom."), and hauled it back up my stairs and out the door. I never looked back.


My dad always said I'd never make it without him. Well daddy, I've managed myself now, over the last year, in 2 foreign countries using 3 languages. I had friends who DID make sure I was taken care of--buying me food, helping me do laundry, letting me crash on couches, letting me stay as long as I needed without paying a dime--and I've done what any normal kid my age does: paying rent, managing my money (I've never been good at that but I'm trying), learning how to get myself around, and all that. And I got the one thing I've dreamed of my whole entire life. Would I have had that had I stayed home, though my dad promised it? No. I would've been paying him every last dime I made, living in a basement, with no life, no friends, and no second chance at what Brandon and I have. But now, I'm free. I'm living my life on my own terms, and being my own person. He can tell you all he wants that I'm evil, and my brother can spout lies about me not caring one damn about my biological mom. Let them. People only resort to things like that when they have nothing else they can say. And, that being the case, that must mean I'm one damn awesome person, with a hell of a lot of potential, and I must care about my mom, my friends, and the extended family that's welcomed me right back in.

Well this week was a wash

That's really how I feel about post-Toussaint. Classes canceled, or rescheduled, me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, not knowing where to go, wasting time doing my hair and makeup, getting woke up by a wrong number (hahaha I was surprised I even remembered to speak French), just ugh.

Now, I wouldn't call it a BAD week, but it wasn't the best either. And then this week we get Armistice Day off. Huh? We just got a week off. Kinda like a few years ago when we had 3 weeks for Christmas Break, came back, and that week we got MLK Day off. Totally pointless. Ah well, it's a day where I can just hang out in my room, or go to Kehl, or do something other than worry about if I'm taking enough notes.

Speaking of Kehl, I was there twice this weekend. Why? Because I can. Though my phone decides it wants to go INSANE texting me about this that and the other info about operating outside of France. Anyway, I think it's funny I've spent more time, effort, and money exploring Germany instead of France. Haha! Well, the spending habits I've had this semester haven't aided me exploring, at all. And this job I'm supposed to have is driving me nuts now. I REALLY would like to get started working...because I need some sort of income. I really do. And in France, unlike the US, being multilingual is VERY lucrative (especially when your native language is English), so I've found out. But, the French don't think they're the center of the universe either. ;)

I have a good friend, Amy, I've known online now for a few years, thanks to Cinema Bizarre (I meet more people, thanks to music, than through anything else), and she lives outside of Paris. I've been texting her a lot lately, which really makes me feel good, as it's nice knowing I have people here I can talk to. Another online friend had a sister who had an au pair from Dijon at one point, and she put me in touch with this girl, and her sister. So I'm trying to meet and talk to locals, even if they're not in Strasbourg. ;)

OH! Funniest thing ever! I'm out walking, not too far from the Ill River, and I kid you not, I pass a bar called "The Indiana." Wonder what people would say if I went in, showed them my ID, and was like "Non, je viens d'Indiana. Je ne ments pas!" (No, I come from Indiana, I'm not lying!) So when I passed this little fact by Tom, apparently there's one in Paris too? Talk about awesome! Hahaha! A little bit of home...

NOW, if they play bad country music, and everyone walks around like a bunch of hicks, then it'll REALLY be like home.

Ok anyway, bad stab at Indiana (I think most of you know how much I hate that place). But speaking of home, I was out walking a few nights ago (prolly close to a week ago) and I found/passed the US consulate here in Strasbourg. Now, I had known where it was, but it was one of those places I'd never really gone by and took it in. I was walking at night, sometime well after 8. So of course everything is closed, and it's progressing into night life traffic. I was trying to explore the area past L'Eglise St. Paul, just because aside from the bateau mouche I was on, I haven't been out that way (correction: one time I took the wrong train and ended up out by the European Parliament which is passed the church). Of course, there's the US Consulate, with the lights shining on the seal of the US, and the Stars and Stripes. I stopped and looked at the flag, and I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, I looked on that flag with pride. Not even in all the military-styled flag raising/lowering ceremonies I was in as a kid, or even the flag burning ceremony I saw once as a kid (yes for the record, there is a proper way to burn a flag. It's akin to a funeral or burial, and you can ONLY do it when the flag is absolutely tattered. It's a measure of respect, and it's almost as sacred as taking communion is to most Christians) did I ever look on the flag with any kind of affection as I did then.

Now, if you know me, you know how hugely critical I am of the States. And not because I hate my homeland, I don't, not at all really. I'm critical because in my opinion, America really COULD be the "great" country they lead the rest of the world to believe they are, taking care of their own, helping the world, and being an example of technological and social progress that we were, for quite a good time there. Yet, we roll around in filth and depravity. It frustrates me to no end. Anyway, before I digress any further, even with feelings like I just stated, I was still proud to look at that flag for a moment, and felt a sense of familiarity. Kind of like, no matter how far from home I am, no matter how far away my language, the familiarity, even the memories of my mom may be, I'm not THAT far away at all. Just like that flag was, it's not like bits and pieces of home haven't followed me here. And no, I don't mean the debt my dad caused me. I mean things like souvenirs of my mother, my Jared Padalecki cup, my beloved Princess blanket, Little Mari and the Tiger Toy, and The Giving Tree.

When I was a kid, I LOVED the American Girl Series (for you non-Americans who may be reading this check it <3). One of the characters, Kirsten (who I LOVED, and was the first doll I got), left Sweden for Minnesota in the 1850's. The beginning of the first book is her talking about being lonely, and not having her grandma with her. Her grandma told her something to the effect of, "Whenever you get lonely, look at the moon, and remember I'm looking at the very same moon you are." The first time I thought of that phrase, after getting to Strasbourg, I bawled my eyes out. But now, when I think of it, it's true. The same sun, and the same moon, shine everywhere in the world, at one time or another. Guess things like that do make the world seem (in a good way) like a smaller place. <3

Living on Purpose

Well, it's 20-til-1, and I should be in bed as I have an 8 am class (yuck), but I've been meaning to write this blog all day, and just haven't.

I'm not as religious as I used to be (or should I say I'm not religious in the same way that I was), but the idea of "living on purpose" that gets passed around Christian circles has something to be said for it.  Christian or not, we are here only once, and we'd better make the best of it. "Living on purpose" to me means having a goal, a vision, a desire, whatever, for life, and going for it. Instead of letting the day happen to you, you happen to the day. I can stand by that.

Over the last several years, I've done a lot of "analyzing" when it comes to my family. Probably to the point, a lot of the time, of "What if..." and beating myself up with every answer I came to. I told my dad several times, even before shit hit the fan, I felt my brother and I were his biggest mistakes. He said he felt otherwise, which ok fine, but I never changed my mind.

For those of you who don't know my dad, or anything about him, he's had these huge dreams of having a successful recording studio, and being a musician, blah blah blah all his life. He started building an in-home studio when I was 7, and it's been growing ever since. He tried going back to school for music, and other such business. Without going into all the negative that he heaped on me to be able to do that, the point is, it was obviously what he wanted. His studio was professional grade, and quite massive (and why I have a ton of debt now, and got sued by a credit card company).

However, instead of packing up his 12-string guitar and heading out to California upon college graduation, what'd he do? He got married to my mother, at 23, and went to go work as a teacher. After that he was a manager in a building supply store before hurting himself on the job when I was...I think 9. Soon after my mom got sick, and when I was 14 she died, so my dad spent a chunk of his life being a caretaker, and nothing else. Then he FINALLY decided to pursue his dreams, but yet, his time has passed. No matter how he treated me, his time is come and gone, sadly.

It goes even further back than that. Looking at my grandparents, and their story, I realize my existence is an even bigger mistake. My grandpa probably never should've never married my grandma. I'm not slamming on either of them, but the stories my dad told of how bad their marriage was, and the fact my grandpa did run around on my grandma, eventually getting another woman pregnant, says a lot to me. It doesn't mean I look down on my grandpa. I don't...if nothing else it's not my place to judge. But, he's now been with the 'other woman' for 40 years. That says something...a lot of somethings.

So seeing all of this I've come to one conclusion: my existence is nothing but a mistake. Mistake after mistake was made, until I wound up being born. And no, not mistake as in "whoops guess who's pregnant...SURPRISE!" No,my parents were trying for a baby. But my dad never should've been trying for a baby with my mom. My dad should've been trying to record an album in LA, and make his big break. But then, you could say my grandpa never should've married my grandma in the first place. that changes 2 generations of the York-Bruton-White-Wilson families. But, that's not how it happened. The writing's on the wall, and here I am.

So what am I supposed to do with this idea, even if it is just in my own head? I know what a lot of people will say: "God doesn't make mistakes." In the idea of God, fate, destiny, whateveryousodesiretocalltheforcesthatgoverntheworld, yes, you may very well be right. As accidental as my existence seems to me, in a much bigger sense, there could be nothing mistake about me being here. But in my narrow scope of things, it's a mistake. One big, giant fuck up. Lives were ruined so I could exist. And that brings me back to my question: what do I do about it?

The answer really is this simple: Live on purpose. And I don't just put the religious twist on it. It's about going out, and really LIVING. I'm here now, and if people had to screw up so it would happen, then I WON'T be the screw up. I WON'T screw it up for myself. Sure, we make mistakes, but that's different than ruining my life, and not going for that which I want out of life. I wouldn't be honoring where I came from, if I did any less. No matter what the relationship with my dad was, if he was going to screw up his life, to have me, then I'd better make the best of this. Which is why I came to France, and blew money on going to Stuttgart, and why I've spent money on silly crap rather than being practical, or why I walk around this city as much as I can, and enjoy being a hop skip and a jump from Deutschland. I've decided that I WILL for sure, live on purpose. I'm going to break the chain my family started, and make it better for at least a generation or 2. ;)

<3Eri