A year ago

Ich allein schlag meine Brücke,
bis sie mich hält und auf kein Schicksal baut

Es werde Licht
In allen Welten, wo der Nacht vor dem Tag anbricht
Und die Geier kreisen unendlich
Licht in dir, es werde Licht


(I alone build this bridge
Until it's strong enough to hold me, Fate did little

It gets better
In all the world, where the night is darkest before daybreak
And the vultures circle endlessly overhead
There's a light in you, and it will get better)


"Es werde Licht" by Acht (English translation done by me)


I remember November 9, 2009 very vividly. I had gotten home the night before, late, avoiding my father's house for a week after calling the cops on him. Friends wouldn't let me go home, for fear of me getting hurt due to his rage at me (and yeah, I called the cops on him...he would be pissed). I hid out mainly with Beth and Brandon, even went to see Gwar on the 5th. I think everyone was on pins and needles that week, though we all hid it well. Everyone at school knew what happened, everyone I worked with knew what happened, and that was fine. I was very open about it.

So the next morning, in getting ready to go to school, my dad obviously comes and tries to talk to me. No matter how much I tried to reason or explain at least my end of the bargain, I was met with him screaming and shouting, not to mention I had a HUGE German project I had to present that day, and I was trying to get out of the house early to get to school to prepare (and I had a 20 minute walk to get there. Now I know here in Europe that's nothing, in the US though? hahaha yeah that's just cruel and unusual XD). So my dad totally threw off my day.

I don't remember EVERYTHING that was said, though I remember details like what I was wearing, and whatnot, and that it was the last pretty fall day we had, but there is one part I remember in great detail. I mentioned this credit card thing (mind you I got sued over the summer, and was still livid about that), and how it wasn't getting paid. The conversation went as follows:

"So why won't you pay it when you said you would, if I let you use the card?"
"Because credit card companies are evil, and don't deserve my money." (referring to student loans and grants, and paychecks and other money I, my brother, and Debbie brought in)
*smirk* "You mean my money?"
"Your money? I'm the one who fills out the paperwork for it, therefore it's mine." (So what's the logic behind the paychecks everyone else went out and earned?)

Something else was said, this bit I forget, but somehow I mentioned my friends being there for me, and my dad went on his rant and rave about how family is there for you, friends aren't, because friends won't give you money, or when you need them, they just drop you and forget about you. I argued that mine weren't like that.

"Well if your friends are so great, why don't you just go live with them?!"
"Fine, I will."

I got on my computer, in tears, talked to Beth, told her what happened. She called her mom right then, asked if I could be put on their phone plan (which her mom covered until I got my school money in). A few weeks before, Brandon helped me sneak behind my dad's back, and get a bank account and my learner's permit (AND I STILL CAN'T DRIVE GRRR!), and all my paychecks were set up to direct deposit there (if I hadn't put them on my Macy's credit card I had at the time to hide them). I left for school soon thereafter, crying my eyes out, and went by Beth's dorm. Brandon happened to have to be on campus that day too, and both of them came out and met me, the crying, screaming mess that I was, and both of them were there to hug me and tell me it was ok. I'd be ok, and as much as I hurt, and as angry as I was, I'd soon realize that was the best thing that would happen to me.

I got through the day, talked to Dr. Roberts (my German prof), about what happened, trying not to break down again in his office (last thing he needed was an emotional twentysomething in his office when his wife was due to go into labor any day), and he was gracious and let me have one more class session til I could present. He gave me info to the on campus counselor, so I could go talk to someone, and get help. I headed to that office as soon as I left his.

After school, Brandon came to get me, and took me to Beth's dorm. I ditched everything but my cellphone and my house keys at her place, and left for dad's. I was still angry, and crying, but I sucked it up and walked in. Dad tried to greet me like nothing had happened. What did he expect? For the daughter he raised to be strong, independent, and to never rely on a man, to come crawling back sobbing about wanting daddy's forgiveness? Take me back daddy, I was wrong to question you taking advantage of my love for you, and exploiting what meager income I have! Hell no. I waltzed down to my room, packed a big blue suitcase with everything I could (I honestly can't remember if Brandon was with me at this point or not...I think he was, because at one point, I recall him grabbing one of the pictures I have of my mom, framed and said, "I don't think you want to forget your mom."), and hauled it back up my stairs and out the door. I never looked back.


My dad always said I'd never make it without him. Well daddy, I've managed myself now, over the last year, in 2 foreign countries using 3 languages. I had friends who DID make sure I was taken care of--buying me food, helping me do laundry, letting me crash on couches, letting me stay as long as I needed without paying a dime--and I've done what any normal kid my age does: paying rent, managing my money (I've never been good at that but I'm trying), learning how to get myself around, and all that. And I got the one thing I've dreamed of my whole entire life. Would I have had that had I stayed home, though my dad promised it? No. I would've been paying him every last dime I made, living in a basement, with no life, no friends, and no second chance at what Brandon and I have. But now, I'm free. I'm living my life on my own terms, and being my own person. He can tell you all he wants that I'm evil, and my brother can spout lies about me not caring one damn about my biological mom. Let them. People only resort to things like that when they have nothing else they can say. And, that being the case, that must mean I'm one damn awesome person, with a hell of a lot of potential, and I must care about my mom, my friends, and the extended family that's welcomed me right back in.