I went to the Cathedral a few nights ago with some friends, Emeline, Schandra, Schandra's boyfriend (I can't remember how to spell his name at the moment), and one of Emeline's friends, Sibylle (and a side note, it was another characteristic Erika night, entailing hanging out with people from all 4 corners of the globe: Emeline was born in France but grew up in the US, Schandra's from Munich, her bf is from Romania, Sibylle is French, and I'm American. I love hanging in groups like that). Emeline off-handedly invited me, as we spent the afternoon chit-chatting over lunch. I had to study for a final (which...yeah...I'll explain that bit in a sec), but I was like hey what the hell. I need an excuse to dress up and have fun. I've been sequestered in my room for a while, and it was driving me nuts. So I studied for about an hour or so, got ready, and headed out to the cathedral.
The concert was great, however, well...Gothic cathedrals aren't known for being incredibly well insulated. We all froze, and as I was trying to conserve what food I had at the time, so I was also pretty hungry. Which then being me, leads to being antsy. So after about an hour we left (in the middle of a song, which annoyed the hell out of me...3 years out of being a classical musician, and some habits still stick. I even explained when you're supposed to clap to Emeline...hahaha gotta love concert etiquette classes), and headed back to Sibylle's place to hang out.
I had popcorn for the first time since getting to Europe! hahahaha! I was as excited about that as I was about seeing a Burger King in Stuttgart. XD The things you end up missing when you leave. hahaha! Anyway, we hung out munching on that, and having a few drinks, and in general having a good time. Schandra and her boyfriend left earlier than Emeline and I did, and she Sibylle and I spent the night talking, and having a good time. We talked books for a while, which well, if you know me you know I'm a book nerd, Emeline's a lit major, and Sibylle had quite an impressive collection of French and English books (British and American). She even lent me a book by Amelie Nothombe. I was going to read it after I re-read Gone With The Wind, but as it's a borrowed book I may wait and read it before I finish Gone With The Wind.
So I spent Sunday studying, and Monday was the exam. Dun, dun, dun!!!
It was Systèmes Politiques Comparés, aka my bitch class of the semester. I HATED that class with a passion. I mean, I stopped going and found the notes elsewhere hated it. I did study though, so it wasn't useless. I show up to my final, which they're running behind (best part was, I get there, everyone says this fact in French, no matter where they were from and I turn around and reply with "WHAT THE FUCK? Son of a bitch!" Hahaha! Cussing is the only thing I generally keep to English with). I go home, get my computer, come back, and study. I tried to go in 2-3 times to take the exam, and ended up waiting a bit longer. I didn't mind, but at the same time I was ready to go into the torture chamber, and be done with it.
Fortunately my question was over democracy. I was THRILLED as i can bullshit about democracy pretty well. I don't mean bullshit as in I think democracy is bullshit, I mean I can pull it out of thin air and make a decent point about it relatively easily. I did just that too. Well...the prof busted me on using the USA as an example more than Europe. Granted the question itself didn't specify (the question was basically: Is it fair to say that Modern Democracy was born with the acceptance of Universal Suffrage), but as the class was over Euro politics, the prof was like "Can you give me some info on Europe?" Hahahaha...FAIL! but she didn't argue with the points I made about democracy itself, so that was a 50/50. Then a few questions came after, about other things. I had one that was the classic "OH SHIT! I STUDIED THIS! I CAN SEE WHERE IT'S WRITTEN ON THE PAGE! Now...WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT?" moment. Then the other I answered, but I flip flopped it (I had to compare authoritarianism to totalitarianism, which was actually the last thing I read over before I had to go take the final). So I know I'll get docked, but at the same time, I think it was obvious I at least stood the differences.
I just hope I passed. I don't really need it at home, but with wanting the CEPE, I did. *sighs* Well the die have been cast...so we'll find out where they land.
So at this point I just have my finals in January to study for. I'm not too worried about them. I mean, I need to study, but as long as I do, I'll be ok. I'm having a shit time in this stupid history class I have, AGAIN (she changed the room once more, and while I believe her when she said she announced it several times, I STILL missed it, and guess who showed up to the wrong class AGAIN. UGH. Does she not realize I ONLY miss class when she does this?), but it'll get worked out. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't signed up for this certificate now, because frankly, I don't need most of the classes I'm taking for it. These "general history" classes--which I mean it's not that I don't like history, but I don't need them--sys po comp, and a few others. My classes next semester are all actually a bit more...shall we say necessary...for the CEPE, as well as back home. Only maybe one or 2 are a bit extraneous, though I'm thinking of retaking one when I get home. I dunno. It's not because I'm afraid of failing it here, I feel like it doesn't REALLY talk about what I thought it would. It's supposed to be History of International Relations. It really just ends up being a run through of the history of WW1-WW2. Not saying IR wasn't developed during that time, it was, but...well the only IR part is "Oh such and so signed such and such treaty." It doesn't feel like much is touched on about the implications of what that treaty was, or what the ramifications were on an International level. Maybe I'm just too American when it comes to school, I dunno. Then again, come final time in June, there's a possibility of a question being posed that DOES deal with IR, and then knowing the history explains it *shrugs* who knows? But the good thing is my classes are overlapping, so what I learn in one is pertinent in another, and that definitely helps retention.
Anyway I better get going. I may make a phone call, and I might have to go do some stuff before my evening class. *sighs* this week just needs to be OVER.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
It's only been a week and a half since I've written anything, but I'm feeling a bit of an itch to write.
The last while has been eventful, but not in the way it was before. I honestly just stay in my room most days and do nothing. Haha! Mainly to avoid from wanting to spend money on crap I don't need, or whatever, but if you know me, I LOVE being out and about, so holing up in my room is driving me crazy.
I have a final today, in a few hours actually. And it's driving me nuts. It's the one class I basically gave up on weeks ago. I don't need it at home, I just took it for the certificate that the school here offers. It's not at all what i thought it would be, which isn't to say what it is is bad or stupid, just not what I was expecting, therefore not as interesting as what I was expecting. But from what I gather, other students share my, or have similar, sentiments.
The good part is though, no matter what happens with this final today, I only have 3 to prepare for over the break. And I'm not really that worried about them. Not saying I won't study, but I figure if I sit down and study I'll be ok. Of course I'm going to be SLAMMED with finals come the end of the year (year long + second semester classes) but I also have time on my side right now, so I'm not too worried about that. And classes actually end at the end of April, so I have a month to study. THANK GOD. I'm gonna need it.
I'm frustrated YET AGAIN with the class I kept missing a while ago. The prof changed the room AGAIN (one time thing), and I missed the announcement in class, and yeah. Needless to say I was none too thrilled. Not really mad at the prof per se, as I'm just getting frustrated with the changes. Especially as I actually show up for class to find I'm in the wrong room, or there at the wrong time. It's not like I'm skipping on purpose. Matter of fact, I've ONLY missed this class when she's changed it. If there's no change, I'm there on time, ready to go. The prof expects you to be there and I'm cool with that. But then I find out that the paper I've turned in (and had a friend edit) was off base. UGH! Are you serious? I did a good topic too...which makes me even more mad. It's not like I BS'd the paper, and hoped for the best. I actually put time and effort into it, and did a ton of research for it. So now to find out I apparently missed the point is aggravating. But she said she'll talk to me, so either she'll be willing to give me some kind of credit for what I DID do (which I would prefer lol), or she'll let me rewrite it.
But that all said, I guess what makes the last several weeks so eventful is all the "growing up" and "Life lessons" I've been doing and learning. A part of me gets really mad, because, well, here I am at 25, just now figuring some of this stuff out, but the beauty of it is, I AM learning it. I've fallen on my face, and yeah it hurts, but I get back up, and move on. One day I'm angry that the friends i Have here, who are 19, 20, MAYBE 21, are like "Oh yeah i knew that" or they have a handle on something, and here I am going "huh?" but the next day I'm happy I even have the chance. I wasn't getting the chance before. I was getting smothered. Things are still trying to smother me, but it's not working this time. I've had enough of being the bird in the gilded cage, or the pretty toy on a shelf, or, to put it how Hanson (shush) wrote in a song, "Put on these chains, and you can live a free life." I was living a free life under a guise where I was really chained for YEARS. And freedom was always defined as being able to come and go when I wanted. No, freedom is being able to discover who you are without restraints. I'm not saying you have to be wreckless and stupid, but no one's behind you saying "No, don't" or "No you can't because I say so," it's all up to me at this point. I decide. I do. I think. I feel. I say. It's up to me, no one else.
And I don't feel inclined to do what most newly freed young adults do. I have no desire to go party all the time, get drunk because I can, or go find some drug to shoot up. I don't feel like sleeping with anything that's defined as 'male'. If anything my worst offense has been going out and eating at restaurants I can't afford on a whim. Or that 50 euro sweater! hahaha! Things that really in the end are relatively harmless (And in the case of the sweater I wear it all the time).
The thing i have to remind myself of is that seasons come and go. Nothing is forever. I used to think that was the biggest piece of shit you could tell me, but so much has happened in 3 months, I can't help but believe that anymore. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. Things come and go. One day is rainy and shitty and your jeans get soaked and have to be hung on the radiator before you can wear them again. The next day is sunny and warm and you're eating enough gelato to make yourself sick. So whatever happens, happens. Whatever will happen, will happen. And we can't do anything about what has happened. so whatever's next will come, and it too in its time will pass into something else.
The last while has been eventful, but not in the way it was before. I honestly just stay in my room most days and do nothing. Haha! Mainly to avoid from wanting to spend money on crap I don't need, or whatever, but if you know me, I LOVE being out and about, so holing up in my room is driving me crazy.
I have a final today, in a few hours actually. And it's driving me nuts. It's the one class I basically gave up on weeks ago. I don't need it at home, I just took it for the certificate that the school here offers. It's not at all what i thought it would be, which isn't to say what it is is bad or stupid, just not what I was expecting, therefore not as interesting as what I was expecting. But from what I gather, other students share my, or have similar, sentiments.
The good part is though, no matter what happens with this final today, I only have 3 to prepare for over the break. And I'm not really that worried about them. Not saying I won't study, but I figure if I sit down and study I'll be ok. Of course I'm going to be SLAMMED with finals come the end of the year (year long + second semester classes) but I also have time on my side right now, so I'm not too worried about that. And classes actually end at the end of April, so I have a month to study. THANK GOD. I'm gonna need it.
I'm frustrated YET AGAIN with the class I kept missing a while ago. The prof changed the room AGAIN (one time thing), and I missed the announcement in class, and yeah. Needless to say I was none too thrilled. Not really mad at the prof per se, as I'm just getting frustrated with the changes. Especially as I actually show up for class to find I'm in the wrong room, or there at the wrong time. It's not like I'm skipping on purpose. Matter of fact, I've ONLY missed this class when she's changed it. If there's no change, I'm there on time, ready to go. The prof expects you to be there and I'm cool with that. But then I find out that the paper I've turned in (and had a friend edit) was off base. UGH! Are you serious? I did a good topic too...which makes me even more mad. It's not like I BS'd the paper, and hoped for the best. I actually put time and effort into it, and did a ton of research for it. So now to find out I apparently missed the point is aggravating. But she said she'll talk to me, so either she'll be willing to give me some kind of credit for what I DID do (which I would prefer lol), or she'll let me rewrite it.
But that all said, I guess what makes the last several weeks so eventful is all the "growing up" and "Life lessons" I've been doing and learning. A part of me gets really mad, because, well, here I am at 25, just now figuring some of this stuff out, but the beauty of it is, I AM learning it. I've fallen on my face, and yeah it hurts, but I get back up, and move on. One day I'm angry that the friends i Have here, who are 19, 20, MAYBE 21, are like "Oh yeah i knew that" or they have a handle on something, and here I am going "huh?" but the next day I'm happy I even have the chance. I wasn't getting the chance before. I was getting smothered. Things are still trying to smother me, but it's not working this time. I've had enough of being the bird in the gilded cage, or the pretty toy on a shelf, or, to put it how Hanson (shush) wrote in a song, "Put on these chains, and you can live a free life." I was living a free life under a guise where I was really chained for YEARS. And freedom was always defined as being able to come and go when I wanted. No, freedom is being able to discover who you are without restraints. I'm not saying you have to be wreckless and stupid, but no one's behind you saying "No, don't" or "No you can't because I say so," it's all up to me at this point. I decide. I do. I think. I feel. I say. It's up to me, no one else.
And I don't feel inclined to do what most newly freed young adults do. I have no desire to go party all the time, get drunk because I can, or go find some drug to shoot up. I don't feel like sleeping with anything that's defined as 'male'. If anything my worst offense has been going out and eating at restaurants I can't afford on a whim. Or that 50 euro sweater! hahaha! Things that really in the end are relatively harmless (And in the case of the sweater I wear it all the time).
The thing i have to remind myself of is that seasons come and go. Nothing is forever. I used to think that was the biggest piece of shit you could tell me, but so much has happened in 3 months, I can't help but believe that anymore. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. Things come and go. One day is rainy and shitty and your jeans get soaked and have to be hung on the radiator before you can wear them again. The next day is sunny and warm and you're eating enough gelato to make yourself sick. So whatever happens, happens. Whatever will happen, will happen. And we can't do anything about what has happened. so whatever's next will come, and it too in its time will pass into something else.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
'Tis the season...
to be stressing! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Yes, my finals schedule is ALL sorts of screwed up now, apparently, and do I have ANY idea where to find ANY of this information? Of COURSE not. Wait, I can check online! hahaha! I just thought of that! XD But no apparently all of a sudden a ton of finals are BEFORE break, not after so there goes 2 weeks I thought I'd have for studying. Or at least a few. Uhhhhh yeaaaaahhhhhh not kosher. At all. And there's nothing online. Shiiiiiiiiiit.
Anyway that said I just wanted to jump on here for a minute. I hadn't updated in a while.
This town may end up making me appreciate snow. Haha! The snow here does end up making everything even prettier. I slipped quite a few times on my walk to school Friday, but other than that it hasn't been bad at all.
I've been a pretty emotional rollercoaster lately. I know, nothing new, but there's been a lot to sort out. I'd dare say a lot of it is "growing pains". I decided to go to the school counselor, to talk about it, but that just ended up not really helping. Granted, I'll blame half of that on language barriers (I had several points in time where I just didn't know how to say something in French) but IDK, I guess I was looking for a different approach? Some other kind of insight that I, nor my friends, would've had. Nothing against my friends, but sometimes you turn to "educated" people because you know they have a different slant on things. Well, in the end, she only told me what I had been told umpteen times. So on a good note, that means (in my way of thinking) there's a level of truth and the advice should be taken. But on the flipside, I guess I just wanted something more meaningful. *shrugs* Ah well...at least the appointment was free, and the woman I saw was nice enough. I kind of miss the counselor I had at IPFW last year. I would tell her what was going on, then she'd ask for my reaction, or would play devil's advocate and tell the other side of that. I guess that's really what I wanted.
But moving ahead, I am finally legal! ahahaha! I got my titre de séjour (equivalent of a green card in the US) on Wednesday. But the story doesn't end there...
First off, I was hanging out in the waiting room at the immigration office. Normal, whatever, sit next to some guy. He starts talking to me. Ok fine...waiting room...this happens. Well 1) He's Arab 2) he couldn't speak French for a damn.
Let me explain myself though before I go any further. I realize the Arab statement sounds horribly racist. But, keep in mind, I have friends who are Arab/of Arab descent. I have no problem with Arabs based on their ethnicity. However, I have the uncanniest luck with Arab men. They don't understand "no," they don't understand "I won't sleep with you," and they don't understand "I'm not interested in you." I've had many BAD experiences with Arab men trying to pick me up. And when they try, and don't take no as an answer, the claws come out. I (sadly) will resort to racist slurs and bad stereotypes to get them to leave me alone if I have to. Not because I believe that crap, but because it'll piss them off enough they walk away.
Fortunately I haven't had to resort to that in this instance, but as soon as a guy named Abdul asked me for my phone number, in an immigration office, I felt myself mentally groan and roll my eyes. But being naive little Erika, he now has my number, and has tried to call me. And I ignore every damn call. UGH! I swear I have the weirdest luck when it comes to guys.
Let's not even talk about the Georgian guy who wouldn't shut up about me being "the most beautiful American [he] ever saw." Another mental eye roll.
Moving on, as the semester is winding down, I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. Mainly just all the ups and downs of being here. It's baffling to think how much has happened. Ups, downs, ins, outs, trips, languages, culture, finding my way around a new city, making friends, getting lost, being overly emotional, spending too much money on crap, and not enough on necessities, post cards, packages home, a 55 euro stamp, Gil Ofarim, Gelato, figuring out how to handle myself, learning how to adapt to a different system, figuring out how to get a hold of the US and not spend a small fortune, knowing who cares, knowing who doesn't, coming to terms, realizing something new, blisters after walking around the city all day, having the most ridiculously tacky blanket that keeps me warm to the point of sweating most nights, plug converters, the fire-breathing hair dryer, walking between 2 countries, my first train ride, new currency, a decent public transit system, letting go and trying to move on, hatred, love, excitement, despair, hope, confusion...Lord this list could go on all night if I wanted it to. And, ya know, I'm glad I'm here all year. I feel like I'm starting to get a grasp on everything. And hell...I want to keep trying! As rough as it's been lately, I don't want to stop. I'm not ready to quit or give up. Maybe it even serves as motivation to keep trying and keep going, and to learn more and more and more...and I don't just mean academically. We're talking life; personal discovery. That's why I decided to take this damn trip. I could've stayed at home, I could've just settled, and ya know, it probably wouldn't have been all bad had I made that choice. The way my life was beginning to look up to the day I left, it was actually looking better. Not perfect, but better. But, well...when have I ever been content to settle? Never. I needed this. I really needed this. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I needed it all.
I've never had the chance to be my own person, mainly because of how my dad was treating me. I had to be his minion, and I wasn't content to do that. So while everyone else my age is going out and getting a career, married, and having a family, I'm figuring out a bunch of shit I should've been working on when I was 19. But, at least I have that chance. I've fallen on my face, I've fucked up, I've been in weird situations, I've cried and bitched and ranted. But, I've also had some pretty amazing moments (I mean, I'm gonna be bragging about the smiles during Acht's show for quite a while), eaten some amazing food, seen some amazing things, gone to some cool places, and met some damn cool people.
So anyway I better get going...I need to take out the trash still (lawl) and then get to studying. I hate finals...
<3Eri
Anyway that said I just wanted to jump on here for a minute. I hadn't updated in a while.
This town may end up making me appreciate snow. Haha! The snow here does end up making everything even prettier. I slipped quite a few times on my walk to school Friday, but other than that it hasn't been bad at all.
I've been a pretty emotional rollercoaster lately. I know, nothing new, but there's been a lot to sort out. I'd dare say a lot of it is "growing pains". I decided to go to the school counselor, to talk about it, but that just ended up not really helping. Granted, I'll blame half of that on language barriers (I had several points in time where I just didn't know how to say something in French) but IDK, I guess I was looking for a different approach? Some other kind of insight that I, nor my friends, would've had. Nothing against my friends, but sometimes you turn to "educated" people because you know they have a different slant on things. Well, in the end, she only told me what I had been told umpteen times. So on a good note, that means (in my way of thinking) there's a level of truth and the advice should be taken. But on the flipside, I guess I just wanted something more meaningful. *shrugs* Ah well...at least the appointment was free, and the woman I saw was nice enough. I kind of miss the counselor I had at IPFW last year. I would tell her what was going on, then she'd ask for my reaction, or would play devil's advocate and tell the other side of that. I guess that's really what I wanted.
But moving ahead, I am finally legal! ahahaha! I got my titre de séjour (equivalent of a green card in the US) on Wednesday. But the story doesn't end there...
First off, I was hanging out in the waiting room at the immigration office. Normal, whatever, sit next to some guy. He starts talking to me. Ok fine...waiting room...this happens. Well 1) He's Arab 2) he couldn't speak French for a damn.
Let me explain myself though before I go any further. I realize the Arab statement sounds horribly racist. But, keep in mind, I have friends who are Arab/of Arab descent. I have no problem with Arabs based on their ethnicity. However, I have the uncanniest luck with Arab men. They don't understand "no," they don't understand "I won't sleep with you," and they don't understand "I'm not interested in you." I've had many BAD experiences with Arab men trying to pick me up. And when they try, and don't take no as an answer, the claws come out. I (sadly) will resort to racist slurs and bad stereotypes to get them to leave me alone if I have to. Not because I believe that crap, but because it'll piss them off enough they walk away.
Fortunately I haven't had to resort to that in this instance, but as soon as a guy named Abdul asked me for my phone number, in an immigration office, I felt myself mentally groan and roll my eyes. But being naive little Erika, he now has my number, and has tried to call me. And I ignore every damn call. UGH! I swear I have the weirdest luck when it comes to guys.
Let's not even talk about the Georgian guy who wouldn't shut up about me being "the most beautiful American [he] ever saw." Another mental eye roll.
Moving on, as the semester is winding down, I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. Mainly just all the ups and downs of being here. It's baffling to think how much has happened. Ups, downs, ins, outs, trips, languages, culture, finding my way around a new city, making friends, getting lost, being overly emotional, spending too much money on crap, and not enough on necessities, post cards, packages home, a 55 euro stamp, Gil Ofarim, Gelato, figuring out how to handle myself, learning how to adapt to a different system, figuring out how to get a hold of the US and not spend a small fortune, knowing who cares, knowing who doesn't, coming to terms, realizing something new, blisters after walking around the city all day, having the most ridiculously tacky blanket that keeps me warm to the point of sweating most nights, plug converters, the fire-breathing hair dryer, walking between 2 countries, my first train ride, new currency, a decent public transit system, letting go and trying to move on, hatred, love, excitement, despair, hope, confusion...Lord this list could go on all night if I wanted it to. And, ya know, I'm glad I'm here all year. I feel like I'm starting to get a grasp on everything. And hell...I want to keep trying! As rough as it's been lately, I don't want to stop. I'm not ready to quit or give up. Maybe it even serves as motivation to keep trying and keep going, and to learn more and more and more...and I don't just mean academically. We're talking life; personal discovery. That's why I decided to take this damn trip. I could've stayed at home, I could've just settled, and ya know, it probably wouldn't have been all bad had I made that choice. The way my life was beginning to look up to the day I left, it was actually looking better. Not perfect, but better. But, well...when have I ever been content to settle? Never. I needed this. I really needed this. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I needed it all.
I've never had the chance to be my own person, mainly because of how my dad was treating me. I had to be his minion, and I wasn't content to do that. So while everyone else my age is going out and getting a career, married, and having a family, I'm figuring out a bunch of shit I should've been working on when I was 19. But, at least I have that chance. I've fallen on my face, I've fucked up, I've been in weird situations, I've cried and bitched and ranted. But, I've also had some pretty amazing moments (I mean, I'm gonna be bragging about the smiles during Acht's show for quite a while), eaten some amazing food, seen some amazing things, gone to some cool places, and met some damn cool people.
So anyway I better get going...I need to take out the trash still (lawl) and then get to studying. I hate finals...
<3Eri
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