Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away
-"Starlight," Muse, Black Holes and Revelations 2006
So I've been here a month now. It's quite hard to believe. I already feel quite acclimated, on some levels. Others, still working on it. I have a feeling this semester is gonna be tough. Not because of anything bad, mind you, just the fact it got started so much later in comparison to the school year in the US. But it's been a great month. I'm finally out and on my own, living my life finally. It's been exciting. I love how my every day life is seeing century old buildings, tarte flambées, sunrises in my bedroom window, Gelato, wine, and foreign languages.
But, it's also been a hard month. I seriously cry every day about something (mostly that I miss Brandon, but a lot of other things have triggered me crying. Mainly memories). I'm still proud of myself for making it 2 days without crying, til Brandon had to be a butthead and be all emotional and make me cry while I was on the phone with him.
Anyway, I happened to be listening to Muse on my way home from class. Didn't want to burn myself out on NIN this morning (though "Closer" is an awesome wake up song ahahahaha), and Muse just sounded cool. I'd never really listened to the lyrics, but for some reason they jumped out at me. And, it fits how I feel.
I up and left my home behind for somewhere new and unusual. Of course, I wouldn't shut up about it. It seemed to be the answer to all my problems. And in some ways it definitely has been. No, it won't guarantee my dad pays me what he owes me, nor will it guarantee that my life will wind up exactly how I want it, but it has changed a lot of things. I'm not angry like I was. I mean, I've never NOT been angry, now all of a sudden I'm not. I may get a little frustrated, but it's nothing like it was. Things don't aggravate me like they used to (except my internet but we're not going there lol). I'd say overall I am happier, despite the emotional wreck I am. lol. I'm happier with my life, and where I am, and I really feel like things CAN get better. I'm not as worried, either.
The first part really rang true though. Everyone who I know REALLY cares about me--from little Preston on up--is a billion miles away it seems. And it's not saying anything bad about the people I've met recently, or that French people are assholes (though I have had a few interesting run-ins...leading to a new comparison a friend and I make when stuff gets weird: "At least I didn't get asked if I was a prostitute." HAHAHAHA!), because that's not true. But the closest semblance I have to a family is on the other side of the world. I was so focused on getting away that I didn't realize what I was leaving behind. Now I do, and it drives me nuts. It feels like my heart's only half here sometimes. The rest of me is far, far away, and i just have to deal with only a fraction of a heart beating in my chest.
Anyway, I better get going. I'm sure everyone is sick of me being an emotional wreck and I have to go home before I head to class, as I left the potocopy of the reading assignment there by accident. Oops!
<3Eri
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