Es Werde Licht

So going to Stuttgart was exactly what I needed. I was getting really burnt out and tired from school. Honestly, I feel like I'm in a new relationship, Strasbourg being my new lover, metaphorically. When you first start dating, it's all pretty and new and you're excited about everything. You're always kissing and holding hands and going on dates, wanting to show off how much you "love each other" and you swear up and down it'll be forever. You're together every day, and pout when it's time to go home.

But eventually, you get burnt out on each other, and the crazy explosive fights happen over nothing, and while the make up sex is great, you just turn around and fight 5 minutes later, and wonder if this is what you want because this is what you signed up for. Undoubtedly, something happens though, and reminds you just why you're in this relationship, and you're back to being happy and excited.

So I'm back to being happy and excited. And this week off is helping. I have a project the week after break, and then I have major catching up to do on my notes. Kinda sucks that I'm doing all this over break, but I'm also going to Colmar Thursday, so it's fair. And of course Stuttgart. I can't complain. :D

I got to looking through some of my profile pics on facebook, and I noticed something kind of...odd. Well maybe not odd, but well...
my older pics, it doesn't matter how "good" I looked in the picture, you can tell I felt, bogged down, tired, whatever. Doesn't matter how goofy and vivacious I get, or how much I laugh, I still was lacking something. I mean, with what my dad was doing, quelle surprise. I always felt trapped. As was pointed out just before I left, it was stay with my dad and tolerate his bullshit, or leave and get married. How many kinds of pre-Women's Lib screwed up is that? I mean no slam on Brandon when I say that, but seriously, that was my predicament. So I pursued waiting til I was 24, and could legally tell him to fuck off in every way shape and form I needed to, to be able to take care of myself...FINALLY. For someone who boasted how he was booted out after college graduation, lived in a shithole trailer, and was "taking care of himself" with all the fixings of adult life by the age of 22, when he got married, he did an extraordinary job of not letting me have that for myself.

Anyway, enough ranting. The point isn't to rant. The point is, now that I look at pictures of myself since I've gotten to Europe, it's so different. I don't look so stiff, and rigid and tired. I look happy, and well, I look like the kind of person I am: Happy, excited, ready to go live my life, and all that jazz. I finally get to be ME. I don't have anything holding me back now, and I don't have someone brow beating me over everything I do.

I was looking at my pictures from Stuttgart when I realized it. One of the pictures, where I was in the hostel, you could tell. So I went back and looked at other pictures of me, since I got here. All of them, I notice the same things: relaxed face, even just the slightest smile seems happier, my eyes seem to shine more, etc.  And ya know, I really do feel that way. It's funny how it shows. And the more I think, the more I realize, once i get this credit card crap cleaned up, I'm home free. I made it out in quite the nice condition, considering what happened. It could've been SO much worse, but it wasn't. Thank God for small favors, eh?

Well anyway I'd better get going. I'm sure you'll hear from me again soon, as i'm heading to Colmar Thursday :D