So I'm terrible at being alone. Absolutely terrible at it. Which is really funny as it seems most of the time I'm alone, my phone is dead silent most of the day (hahaha both of them XD). I'm a fiercely independent person, and hate being held down by groups, or whatever you want to say. I like being on my own, a lot of the time, but not all of it.
I was ok doing the Stuttgart thing alone, because I've never really had any friends who held the same interest in Gil Ofarim I've had, nor do I have any friends here who are a fan. So hey cool trip it to Germany on my own. Even initially exploring around here, I was cool doing it on my own. I like doing things like that at my own pace, and then I'll ask questions as I go.
But today--well not just today really, but it happened today--I was just out and about, walking around. Didn't really have anywhere to go, or anything to do, was just wandering around. Made my way to the cathedral, just because i like it there, and places like that give me a sense of comfort. Why, I don't know, but anyway, I went in, put a euro in an offering box, and lit a candle for my mom. After the night I had what was it...Thursday? I don't remember, it just felt like a good idea, I guess a way of saying "I wish you could see me now, Mom."
So after that, I sit down in the main sanctuary, and just look up at the altar, thinking, feeling, whatever. I guess you could say I was "having a moment." Of course, I start crying (surprise anyone? XD). And this is the moment where I find out that I suck at being alone.
The whole time, I found myself wishing Brandon was there, holding my hand, or sharing it with me. I would always go off on this tangent, whenever he asked what I was doing with him, instead of off running around all over God's green earth, on why I stuck around. Call me an idealist, but I'm big into the thought of having someone to share life's highs and lows with. I mean, I dunno, to me life is only half way worthwhile if you're all alone. And I feel alone...ALL alone.
I was reading Gone With the Wind today (once again, is anyone surprised? haha!) and I came across a description of Scarlett that I felt on par with.
"Why, she had never had to do a thing for herself in all her life. There had always been someone to do things for her, to look after her, shelter and protect her and spoil her. It was incredible that she could be in such a fix. Not a friend, not a neighbor, to help her. There had always been friends, neighbors, the competent hands of willing slaves. And now in this hour of greatest need, there was no one. It was incredible that she could be so completely alone, and frightened , and far from home."
Now, I don't see myself as spoiled, per se, and God knows I've had to pick myself up by my boot straps time and time again to get through things, but the thing is, I've never been at it alone. There was always someone there, helping me, holding me, loving me, caring for me, handing me a damn box of tissues and reminding me to be careful else I'd smear my makeup. You ever tried to keep this much black makeup from running by yourself? Haha! It's hard! But no, my point is, I've always had people with me. No matter how damn bad it got, there was someone there. And now, it's hard doing it on my own. I've never had to do it on my own.
But I guess that's half of why I signed up for this, as much as it may suck sometimes. I need to be able to function on my own. Unlike the Antebellum South, where women never had to do anything for themselves, and were expected to marry, and to have a man do things for them, that's not the reality anymore. And I wanted to be a woman that could stand on her own, not to have to ask, Daddy, Boyfriend, or Best Friend(s) to do things for her. And in a lot of ways, I feel myself "getting stronger" so to speak, as in taking care of day to day living, but emotionally? I haven't been alone one day of my life, and now all of a sudden, I am. And I hate it. I effing hate it. However, part of me REALLY feels like Scarlett after Melly gave birth, and Rhett finally shows up with his horse and carriage. As she flings herself into his arms, all she can say is:
"Rhett? Rhett? Is that you Rhett? Oh thank goodness you've come!"
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