Beware, I'm doing a word dump!

Wow, so I went from updating about every week, to every 2 weeks, to every month. It has just been insane, to be honest. So much has happened, everything is still trying to sink in. Good or bad it's been nuts.

I have to say the last...month? Has been RIDICULOUSLY emotional. Not really homesick or anything, I just...well I mean I guess when I say emotional I don't just mean upset, I mean happy or amused as well. There's the being hit on by a random drunk German guy in the middle of the night, half in English and half in German (Ich bin German, WHAT? XD). Oh and laughing my ass off in the middle of The King's Speech (Le Discours du Roi) when Colin Firth starts swearing like I do when I play XBox, and then squealing over seeing corgis in the movie (I MISS MY PENNY!!!!!), and it's totally fun being the American in my Civil War class.

There's been a lot of stress too. Cramming and reading a 250 page book in about 4 days, yeah that sucked, and it was during Semaine Européenne. Hello all nighters! I've been so sleep deprived the last 2 weeks, it's unreal. But the book I had to read was actually quite interesting. I never would've read it on my own, that's for sure, so in the end I'm actually kind of glad I had to read it for class. I learned a lot.

Outside le Conseil de l"Europe

Main Parliamentary room

And Semaine Européenne was insanely cool. Once again, a ton of stress, but I learned so much. My group's debate was over the PIIGS nations (Portugal, Italy, Ireland, Greece, and Spain), except we omitted Ireland, as the subject dealt with only the Mediterranean nations. And of course, the inevitable question of Turkey came up, which led to Cyprus, and Malta, and then led to North Africa (guess there's 2 cities in Morocco that are actually Spanish, never knew that). And the Turkey thing became really interesting as it's not talked about nearly as much in the US as it is here. I mean, if I'm remembering correctly, Turkey is an Ally, and of course the EU is (I don't know the 'official' position on the Eastern Euro countries, but if they're part of the EU I can't see why America would take issue with them anymore), so I can't see why America would be appauled by the EU accepting Turkey, when/if it happens (yes I realize the controversies in Turkey, as I've read into them a bit, but regardless of that for the moment). I think that was the most interesting part to me, as it's something I've learned a lot about since living in the EU. Not really saying I have an opinion one way or the other, but exploring both sides of the argument is intriguing.

Then there's the Brandon thing. Oh gee that totally made it sound like there's not much value to the situation. But, in all seriousness, the way our relationship has been going has been, well...I can't complain. It's been getting better as each month goes by. Odd how distance does that. We've officially decided when I get home, we're getting married. it should be interesting, planning a wedding from over the Atlantic. But it won't be anything big either. I think really, we just want to go to the courthouse, make it official, then have a "reception" maybe a week or so later, invite family, and friends, and whatnot. Definitely not anything really fancy or huge. I don't even think I'll wear a white dress. Haha! But, formalities really don't become us. We've always been the weird, off the wall couple. And frankly, before, when we were trying to plan a wedding (about 2 years ago), I dunno...the idea of a traditional wedding I think was us trying to fit into an idea that just wasn't OUR idea. Our idea is a lot different; always has been. I guess that's why we ended up together. We're both a set of misfit people in this world, trying to figure out our ways, and where we need to go and what we need to do. Then somewhere along the line, we found each other. Oh hey! Wow! We're just alike! Let's do this thing together. I feel like our relationship is starting to come full circle, after everything that we've been through in the last year and a half. Not to mention, personally, we're both coming full circle. Or at least most of it. There'll always be something new to tackle, but I guess in the last year, we've learned a lot about who we are as individuals, and onward we go I guess.

  

Just a few songs that I feel like have been summing up how I feel about all of this lately. And shush, I have a thing for Adam Lambert now. Deal with it. :-P ;-)

The toughest part is going back and forth between feeling like I have a handle on things, and then feeling like I'm left totally alone. And honestly it sucks. Sometimes I don't mind how things are going at all, for better or worse, then something happens to set me off and make me feel worthless and useless and unloved. And it's REALLY annoying. A part of me is wanting to find a way to stand on my own 2 feet, and be as independent as possible, clear my name, and move on in life. Then a part of me gets angry and screams and cries, because I feel like there's no one there to just take care of me when I need it. Sometimes I want to be a spoiled, pampered brat, and sometimes I just want to tell everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. Let me do this on my own. Sometimes, I feel like an overgrown 4 year old. You know...when they first start figuring out that they can try and tie their own shoes, or reach the cup on the counter, or can climb to the top of a jungle gym. But then as soon as their shoe laces are in a knot, or the cup gets knocked over and makes a mess, or they're too afraid to climb down, they start crying and run to mommy for help. And i guess that's where my frustration kicks in. Sometimes I feel like there's no one I can run to for help. I know, I'd say about 85% of the time, that's ok. I gotta learn how to do this on my own anyway, so what the hell. But that last 15% of the time, I wish I could just call someone and cry and bitch and yell at the to take care of it for me, and they will, and I don't need to worry about it anymore.And my shitty parental situation doesn't help matters. I wish I could just call mom and dad and ask for help, and have someone help me through this, but I can't. I don't feel like I have anyone in my corner, cheering me on and helping take care of me. But like I said, sometimes it doesn't bother me. Sometimes it does. Sometimes I wish I had that safety net, but then sometimes I know not having that safety net is just going to make me learn how to walk that tight rope all the faster, even if I pee my pants in the process out of fear. Yeah yeah yeah harsh image. Whatever. If you know me, by now you know I talk like that from time to time.

There've been 2 things I tend to think of when I'm thinking of all this going on business. Before I left the US, Irene, the lady who runs the office of the Red Cross I volunteer at, and I were talking about this year. Keep in mind, she's from Italy, and moved Stateside. She pointed out to me, that doing something like this 'alone' could be good, because it'd be a chance to live and learn. I had honestly never thought of it like that before. And, sometimes when I do get upset about things, I remember her telling me that. And, she would know. I know she's done similar things in her life, and she's been there done that. So it's not just some well wish, it's her experience talking.

The other is a phrase my friend Tom told me a few weeks ago when we went out one night. "Avec des si, on mettrait Paris en bouteille" which basically translates as "With all the whatifs in the world, you could put Paris in a bottle." He kept saying it was a really cynical phrase, and it actually is...BUT...it's also very, very true. It took me a while to figure out what the hell the saying meant, but once I started getting a grasp on it, it did give me a new perspective. If you keep on saying what if, or woulda shoudla coulda but didn't, or whatever, the worse and worse it gets. Sure, the what if scenarios MAY be true, and yes hindsight is always 20/20, but the more you dwell on them, the worse it makes things. And seriously, putting Paris in a bottle would be pretty screwed up. But whatifs just lead to reducing and messing with what's already there, til you have practically nothing left.

And I guess that's the point I took away from that phrase. I know, I'm horrible about actually following that. I tend to dwell on things, it's always been a bad habit. My mom used to get on me for it all the time. What's that tell you? And, some friends recently have helped me gain more perspective on things that have been happening. I guess, once I sat there and bitched and moaned about it, things got clearer now. It just all makes so much more sense. For better or for worse. Maybe my head was in my ass about a lot of things...but even if it was, I guess the point now is I realized that, and now it's time to fix the problem. The distance has been good for that. Though I have no idea how things'll resolve, I guess this isn't the time to be worried about that either. I have 3 papers to write in 3 weeks, 2 French, one German, a boatload of research to do on them, and frankly that's a lot more important at the moment. I'll figure out what to do at home when I get home.

Break

Well instead of putting away my groceries, I'm on here. Go figure eh? But a month is a bit too long without an update. I've been writing in my journals mostly, so I guess I haven't felt too compelled to write in here. But without any further ado, I'll begin. ;)

Break wasn't too bad. Wasn't great, but I can't overall complain. I got screwed over by someone I thought I could trust, but--I hate saying this--I'm pretty used to it. I guess after you save someone's life, all they care about is the ways they can leech off of you and siphon your life away, bitch about you not being perfect (though I never claimed to be), twist your words, and then have the audacity to tell me I have no idea what hard is. I can list umpteen other inaccuracies that were hurled at me, but whatever. That's just how people are. They lie to you about caring about you, and expect you to do everything for them, but when you need them to be there for you, all of a sudden they bow out. You know, you'd think I'd be used to people mistreating me and taking advantage of me, but I guess not. Some parts of it still really hurt. But at the same time, being so physically far away from it makes it better.

So I was struggling through break in some ways. Things are better now, and to quote Dr. Zhivago, I'm cutting out the tumors of injustice so to speak, and moving on. I'm not going to let shit hold me down anymore, and frankly I think it's one of those life lessons I needed to learn, period. So maybe it'll follow me home and I'll learn not to worry so much.

Amidst the struggles though I learned a lot about who my friends were and weren't. People stepped up to the plate and were awesome and helped me in whatever way they could manage. Friends I fell out of touch with all of a sudden were there helping me, and Brandon, bless his heart, has listened to me cry and bitch on skype more than you can know over the last month. And he's always taken it in stride, and tried to help me however he can. I guess being with someone almost 5 and a half years, you know what to do when they come to you crying.

I was even telling Brandon last night, after the "break up" we went through (if you don't know about it, let's just say he and I broke up for about 3 weeks, then went into an open relationship, and then about 9 months ago, we decided to get back together), one thing I complained about was feeling like he would never meet me half way. When I needed someone, I never felt like I could rely on him, or he'd always shrink from the situation. At the time, he did, but over the last almost 2 years now, he's been there for me. When I needed someone to cry to, somewhere to stay, something to eat, a place to do my laundry, he was there. At first it was as friends, then it became what it had been before. For some reason, I just couldn't cut him out of my life. And I still can't.


There's a quote from Jane Eyre I've always particularly liked, because I felt it described me and Brandon. Mr. Rochester says it, and I've always enjoyed it, because I like his analogy.

I sometimes have a queer feeling with regard to you--especially when you are near me, as now: it is as if I had a string somewhere under my left ribs, tightly and inextricably knotted to a similar string situated in the corresponding quarter of your little frame. And if that boisterous channel, and two hundred miles or so of land come broad between us, I am afraid that cord of communion will be snapt; and then I've a nervous notion I should take to bleeding inwardly.

That's how I've always felt about us. We're knotted together, and there's no way the knots can be untied. 

I've finally found out what it feels like to have half of who you are so far away. Yet somehow, you find a way to make it day to day 'til you get back to them. I've been learning what it is to really love someone, and what it means to really go to the ends of the earth for that love. I'd say I know what it means to resist temptation for that love, but frankly all the other options I've had since getting here, well, aren't that impressive. And the one that was, wasn't very realistic. So yep, not like I've really been tempted. But, the idea of going and finding someone else doesn't sound very appealing.

I remember when I told Chris about this trip, he just stopped, looked at me, and said "Do you think Brandon can make it without you for 9 months?" That was no exaggeration when he said it, on my behalf or Brandon's. In some ways, I don't think June can get here fast enough for either of us.

But enough of the sentiments for now. ;) On the note of the temptation, I had yet ANOTHER amazing experience with one of France's finest gentlemen. I hope that the sarcasm is noted. Basically, he was an idiot who wouldn't take no for an answer, I stood him up on a "date" and I spent about 2 days bitching at him via text that I wasn't interested, he annoyed me, and to leave me alone. Did he get the clue? Eventually, and thank GOD he's left me alone. And the moron from OFII has tried again too. Like really? I discovered my phone has a "liste de rejet" (rejection list) and oh Lord was I happy to see that!

"Je veux sortir avec toi" is the most HATED phrase in the French language to me, at this moment.

Seriously, my dumb luck of getting hit on by idiots has followed me to France. UGH! No I will not leave my boyfriend I've been with for 5 years for some fling in another country. No I don't believe in "Oh if it doesn't happen in the same country it's not cheating" or any of that other crap. I'm with him, and I promised to wait for him, and I plan on keeping my promises. Is that such a hard concept to grasp in this day and age? Seriously. Fidelity isn't as rare as people like to think.

I managed to snag a small job here too. A friend worked with a gentleman who wanted a native English speaker to tutor his son. She put me in touch with him, and I got the job. Talk about perfect timing, it was just enough extra cash to go enjoy the Christmas markets, and then have money for food til I got school money.

But, really, it's above and beyond even that. Sure the money is nice, and a few extra euros helps out. But, the family I'm working with, goodness...they're some of the nicest most wonderful people I've ever met. I walked into their home, and without even knowing me, everyone was happy to see me (there's 4 kids total, two teenaged daughters, the boy I work with who's 5, and their little 2 year old), and was so nice to me, and so welcoming. They treated me like gold. They even invited me to stay for lunch, and I stayed well into the evening even. And, I was amazed at how great they were to me. The older girls have definitely become fast friends of mine, and the two young ones are adorable. The littlest one has already started calling me Tata Erika (Auntie Erika), and I think that's adorable. It's just incredible to me to be around people like them. I guess after a life of dysfunction, seeing them is a breath of fresh air. And the fact they were so accepting and welcoming to me...I just...I guess I can't believe it. I'm used to there being strings attached, or someone dangling their affections in front of me like a carrot in front of a horse, and teasing me with them. These people are genuinely good. They're a family. They love each other. Being in that kind of place to me was a blessing. I haven't felt like part of a family since my mom died. Now, I've been blessed to be included in a very warm, kind, and loving one. No, I'm not saying that I'm an adopted daughter, but they've allowed me to be part of them, and it's been a truly wonderful thing to be a part of.

The holidays here were nice too. I really enjoyed myself. It wasn't much, but I had fun. After my first day of tutoring, I went out to the markets that night, got a cup of vin chaud and went ice skating. After, I got a tarte flambée baguette and then headed home. I hadn't been ice skating since 5th grade, so it took me a while to get used to it again, but as soon as I was, I took off and had a blast. And they played all the old classic Christmas songs, even Elvis and Bing Crosby songs! I felt like such a dork skating along singing to myself, but I had a good time. :D

Christmas I got up and made it to the Cathedral. I wasn't up early enough for Mass or anything, but I went and made an offering, and spent some time there. After that I went to St. Thomas, and just hung out, thinking and what not. Went home and spent the evening by myself. I watched It's A Wonderful Life, and then called home.

New Year's I got sick, so i didn't do anything, but it was fun watching the fireworks get shot off at 12. And due to the fever I was running I woke up at 5, waited around til 6, called Brandon at midnight US time, and then spent the next hour slap happy and delirious laughing at condom instructions (don't ask).

After that was finals. Ugh...I need to say no more.

After I finished finals, Sibylle and I took a day trip to Mulhouse and had a nice time. It's not much of a town, but it was nice to go somewhere new. And, it was cool seeing street signs written in Alsatian. :D We're thinking about taking a trip to Basel, Switzerland at one point too. I guess it's not too much more than what the trip to Mulhouse was, so hey! :D That was one thing I realized over break: I'm within 3 hours of Belgium, Luxembourg, and Switzerland, and Germany is what, a 15-20 minute bus ride away? Talk about mind blowing. I mean, I can do day trips to other countries. WTF. hahahaha! I mean, it's really cool, but I guess it never dawned on me til not too long ago.

And that ladies and gents brings us to today :D Just waiting around til School starts Monday. My first class of the semester is in English. WIN! It's 8-10 am, but if it's in English, I can manage. I just have to get on a sleep schedule, because I've been in the habit of taking random naps. Yeah won't be able to do that every day now. hahaha!

Anyway, I better get going. If you've stuck through this with me this long, I love you! Totally! :D

A concert and a final

I went to the Cathedral a few nights ago with some friends, Emeline, Schandra, Schandra's boyfriend (I can't remember how to spell his name at the moment), and one of Emeline's friends, Sibylle (and a side note, it was another characteristic Erika night, entailing hanging out with people from all 4 corners of the globe: Emeline was born in France but grew up in the US, Schandra's from Munich, her bf is from Romania, Sibylle is French, and I'm American. I love hanging in groups like that). Emeline off-handedly invited me, as we spent the afternoon chit-chatting over lunch. I had to study for a final (which...yeah...I'll explain that bit in a sec), but I was like hey what the hell. I need an excuse to dress up and have fun. I've been sequestered in my room for a while, and it was driving me nuts. So I studied for about an hour or so, got ready, and headed out to the cathedral.

The concert was great, however, well...Gothic cathedrals aren't known for being incredibly well insulated. We all froze, and as I was trying to conserve what food I had at the time, so I was also pretty hungry. Which then being me, leads to being antsy. So after about an hour we left (in the middle of a song, which annoyed the hell out of me...3 years out of being a classical musician, and some habits still stick. I even explained when you're supposed to clap to Emeline...hahaha gotta love concert etiquette classes), and headed back to Sibylle's place to hang out.

I had popcorn for the first time since getting to Europe! hahahaha! I was as excited about that as I was about seeing a Burger King in Stuttgart. XD The things you end up missing when you leave. hahaha! Anyway, we hung out munching on that, and having a few drinks, and in general having a good time. Schandra and her boyfriend left earlier than Emeline and I did, and she Sibylle and I spent the night talking, and having a good time. We talked books for a while, which well, if you know me you know I'm a book nerd, Emeline's a lit major, and Sibylle had quite an impressive collection of French and English books (British and American). She even lent me a book by Amelie Nothombe. I was going to read it after I re-read Gone With The Wind, but as it's a borrowed book I may wait and read it before I finish Gone With The Wind.

So I spent Sunday studying, and Monday was the exam. Dun, dun, dun!!!

It was Systèmes Politiques Comparés, aka my bitch class of the semester. I HATED that class with a passion. I mean, I stopped going and found the notes elsewhere hated it. I did study though, so it wasn't useless. I show up to my final, which they're running behind (best part was, I get there, everyone says this fact in French, no matter where they were from and I turn around and reply with "WHAT THE FUCK? Son of a bitch!" Hahaha! Cussing is the only thing I generally keep to English with). I go home, get my computer, come back, and study. I tried to go in 2-3 times to take the exam, and ended up waiting a bit longer. I didn't mind, but at the same time I was ready to go into the torture chamber, and be done with it.

Fortunately my question was over democracy. I was THRILLED as i can bullshit about democracy pretty well. I don't mean bullshit as in I think democracy is bullshit, I mean I can pull it out of thin air and make a decent point about it relatively easily. I did just that too. Well...the prof busted me on using the USA as an example more than Europe. Granted the question itself didn't specify (the question was basically: Is it fair to say that Modern Democracy was born with the acceptance of Universal Suffrage), but as the class was over Euro politics, the prof was like "Can you give me some info on Europe?" Hahahaha...FAIL! but she didn't argue with the points I made about democracy itself, so that was a 50/50. Then a few questions came after, about other things. I had one that was the classic "OH SHIT! I STUDIED THIS! I CAN SEE WHERE IT'S WRITTEN ON THE PAGE! Now...WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT?" moment. Then the other I answered, but I flip flopped it (I had to compare authoritarianism to totalitarianism, which was actually the last thing I read over before I had to go take the final). So I know I'll get docked, but at the same time, I think it was obvious I at least stood the differences.

I just hope I passed. I don't really need it at home, but with wanting the CEPE, I did. *sighs* Well the die have been cast...so we'll find out where they land.

So at this point I just have my finals in January to study for. I'm not too worried about them. I mean, I need to study, but as long as I do, I'll be ok. I'm having a shit time in this stupid history class I have, AGAIN (she changed the room once more, and while I believe her when she said she announced it several times, I STILL missed it, and guess who showed up to the wrong class AGAIN. UGH. Does she not realize I ONLY miss class when she does this?), but it'll get worked out. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't signed up for this certificate now, because frankly, I don't need most of the classes I'm taking for it. These "general history" classes--which I mean it's not that I don't like history, but I don't need them--sys po comp, and a few others. My classes next semester are all actually a bit more...shall we say necessary...for the CEPE, as well as back home. Only maybe one or 2 are a bit extraneous, though I'm thinking of retaking one when I get home. I dunno. It's not because I'm afraid of failing it here, I feel like it doesn't REALLY talk about what I thought it would. It's supposed to be History of International Relations. It really just ends up being a run through of the history of WW1-WW2. Not saying IR wasn't developed during that time, it was, but...well the only IR part is "Oh such and so signed such and such treaty." It doesn't feel like much is touched on about the implications of what that treaty was, or what the ramifications were on an International level. Maybe I'm just too American when it comes to school, I dunno. Then again, come final time in June, there's a possibility of a question being posed that DOES deal with IR, and then knowing the history explains it *shrugs* who knows? But the good thing is my classes are overlapping, so what I learn in one is pertinent in another, and that definitely helps retention.

Anyway I better get going. I may make a phone call, and I might have to go do some stuff before my evening class. *sighs* this week just needs to be OVER.

It's only been a week and a half since I've written anything, but I'm feeling a bit of an itch to write.

The last while has been eventful, but not in the way it was before. I honestly just stay in my room most days and do nothing. Haha! Mainly to avoid from wanting to spend money on crap I don't need, or whatever, but if you know me, I LOVE being out and about, so holing up in my room is driving me crazy.

I have a final today, in a few hours actually. And it's driving me nuts. It's the one class I basically gave up on weeks ago. I don't need it at home, I just took it for the certificate that the school here offers. It's not at all what i thought it would be, which isn't to say what it is is bad or stupid, just not what I was expecting, therefore not as interesting as what I was expecting. But from what I gather, other students share my, or have similar, sentiments.

The good part is though, no matter what happens with this final today, I only have 3 to prepare for over the break. And I'm not really that worried about them. Not saying I won't study, but I figure if I sit down and study I'll be ok. Of course I'm going to be SLAMMED with finals come the end of the year (year long + second semester classes) but I also have time on my side right now, so I'm not too worried about that. And classes actually end at the end of April, so I have a month to study. THANK GOD. I'm gonna need it.

I'm frustrated YET AGAIN with the class I kept missing a while ago. The prof changed the room AGAIN (one time thing), and I missed the announcement in class, and yeah. Needless to say I was none too thrilled. Not really mad at the prof per se, as I'm just getting frustrated with the changes. Especially as I actually show up for class to find I'm in the wrong room, or there at the wrong time. It's not like I'm skipping on purpose. Matter of fact, I've ONLY missed this class when she's changed it. If there's no change, I'm there on time, ready to go. The prof expects you to be there and I'm cool with that. But then I find out that the paper I've turned in (and had a friend edit) was off base. UGH! Are you serious? I did a good topic too...which makes me even more mad. It's not like I BS'd the paper, and hoped for the best. I actually put time and effort into it, and did a ton of research for it. So now to find out I apparently missed the point is aggravating. But she said she'll talk to me, so either she'll be willing to give me some kind of credit for what I DID do (which I would prefer lol), or she'll let me rewrite it.

But that all said, I guess what makes the last several weeks so eventful is all the "growing up" and "Life lessons" I've been doing and learning. A part of me gets really mad, because, well, here I am at 25, just now figuring some of this stuff out, but the beauty of it is, I AM learning it. I've fallen on my face, and yeah it hurts, but I get back up, and move on. One day I'm angry that the friends i Have here, who are 19, 20, MAYBE 21, are like "Oh yeah i knew that" or they have a handle on something, and here I am going "huh?" but the next day I'm happy I even have the chance. I wasn't getting the chance before. I was getting smothered. Things are still trying to smother me, but it's not working this time. I've had enough of being the bird in the gilded cage, or the pretty toy on a shelf, or, to put it how Hanson (shush) wrote in a song, "Put on these chains, and you can live a free life." I was living a free life under a guise where I was really chained for YEARS. And freedom was always defined as being able to come and go when I wanted. No, freedom is being able to discover who you are without restraints. I'm not saying you have to be wreckless and stupid, but no one's behind you saying "No, don't" or "No you can't because I say so," it's all up to me at this point. I decide. I do. I think. I feel. I say. It's up to me, no one else.

And I don't feel inclined to do what most newly freed young adults do. I have no desire to go party all the time, get drunk because I can, or go find some drug to shoot up. I don't feel like sleeping with anything that's defined as 'male'. If anything my worst offense has been going out and eating at restaurants I can't afford on a whim. Or that 50 euro sweater! hahaha! Things that really in the end are relatively harmless (And in the case of the sweater I wear it all the time).

The thing i have to remind myself of is that seasons come and go. Nothing is forever. I used to think that was the biggest piece of shit you could tell me, but so much has happened in 3 months, I can't help but believe that anymore. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. Things come and go. One day is rainy and shitty and your jeans get soaked and have to be hung on the radiator before you can wear them again. The next day is sunny and warm and you're eating enough gelato to make yourself sick. So whatever happens, happens. Whatever will happen, will happen. And we can't do anything about what has happened. so whatever's next will come, and it too in its time will pass into something else.

'Tis the season...

to be stressing! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Yes, my finals schedule is ALL sorts of screwed up now, apparently, and do I have ANY idea where to find ANY of this information? Of COURSE not. Wait, I can check online! hahaha! I just thought of that! XD But no apparently all of a sudden a ton of finals are BEFORE break, not after so there goes 2 weeks I thought I'd have for studying. Or at least a few. Uhhhhh yeaaaaahhhhhh not kosher. At all. And there's nothing online. Shiiiiiiiiiit.

Anyway that said I just wanted to jump on here for a minute. I hadn't updated in a while.

This town may end up making me appreciate snow. Haha! The snow here does end up making everything even prettier. I slipped quite a few times on my walk to school Friday, but other than that it hasn't been bad at all.

I've been a pretty emotional rollercoaster lately. I know, nothing new, but there's been a lot to sort out. I'd dare say a lot of it is "growing pains". I decided to go to the school counselor, to talk about it, but that just ended up not really helping. Granted, I'll blame half of that on language barriers (I had several points in time where I just didn't know how to say something in French) but IDK, I guess I was looking for a different approach? Some other kind of insight that I, nor my friends, would've had. Nothing against my friends, but sometimes you turn to "educated" people because you know they have a different slant on things. Well, in the end, she only told me what I had been told umpteen times. So on a good note, that means (in my way of thinking) there's a level of truth and the advice should be taken. But on the flipside, I guess I just wanted something more meaningful. *shrugs* Ah well...at least the appointment was free, and the woman I saw was nice enough. I kind of miss the counselor I had at IPFW last year. I would tell her what was going on, then she'd ask for my reaction, or would play devil's advocate and tell the other side of that. I guess that's really what I wanted.

But moving ahead, I am finally legal! ahahaha! I got my titre de séjour (equivalent of a green card in the US) on Wednesday. But the story doesn't end there...

First off, I was hanging out in the waiting room at the immigration office. Normal, whatever, sit next to some guy. He starts talking to me. Ok fine...waiting room...this happens. Well 1) He's Arab 2) he couldn't speak French for a damn.

Let me explain myself though before I go any further. I realize the Arab statement sounds horribly racist. But, keep in mind, I have friends who are Arab/of Arab descent. I have no problem with Arabs based on their ethnicity. However, I have the uncanniest luck with Arab men. They don't understand "no," they don't understand "I won't sleep with you," and they don't understand "I'm not interested in you." I've had many BAD experiences with Arab men trying to pick me up. And when they try, and don't take no as an answer, the claws come out. I (sadly) will resort to racist slurs and bad stereotypes to get them to leave me alone if I have to. Not because I believe that crap, but because it'll piss them off enough they walk away.

Fortunately I haven't had to resort to that in this instance, but as soon as a guy named Abdul asked me for my phone number, in an immigration office, I felt myself mentally groan and roll my eyes. But being naive little Erika, he now has my number, and has tried to call me. And I ignore every damn call. UGH! I swear I have the weirdest luck when it comes to guys.

Let's not even talk about the Georgian guy who wouldn't shut up about me being "the most beautiful American [he] ever saw." Another mental eye roll.

Moving on, as the semester is winding down, I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. Mainly just all the ups and downs of being here. It's baffling to think how much has happened. Ups, downs, ins, outs, trips, languages, culture, finding my way around a new city, making friends, getting lost, being overly emotional, spending too much money on crap, and not enough on necessities, post cards, packages home, a 55 euro stamp, Gil Ofarim, Gelato, figuring out how to handle myself, learning how to adapt to a different system, figuring out how to get a hold of the US and not spend a small fortune, knowing who cares, knowing who doesn't, coming to terms, realizing something new, blisters after walking around the city all day, having the most ridiculously tacky blanket that keeps me warm to the point of sweating most nights, plug converters, the fire-breathing hair dryer, walking between 2 countries, my first train ride, new currency, a decent public transit system, letting go and trying to move on, hatred, love, excitement, despair, hope, confusion...Lord this list could go on all night if I wanted it to. And, ya know, I'm glad I'm here all year. I feel like I'm starting to get a grasp on everything. And hell...I want to keep trying! As rough as it's been lately, I don't want to stop. I'm not ready to quit or give up. Maybe it even serves as motivation to keep trying and keep going, and to learn more and more and more...and I don't just mean academically. We're talking life; personal discovery. That's why I decided to take this damn trip. I could've stayed at home, I could've just settled, and ya know, it probably wouldn't have been all bad had I made that choice. The way my life was beginning to look up to the day I left, it was actually looking better. Not perfect, but better. But, well...when have I ever been content to settle? Never. I needed this. I really needed this.  The good, the bad, and the ugly. I needed it all.

I've never had the chance to be my own person, mainly because of how my dad was treating me. I had to be his minion, and I wasn't content to do that. So while everyone else my age is going out and getting a career, married, and having a family, I'm figuring out a bunch of shit I should've been working on when I was 19. But, at least I have that chance. I've fallen on my face, I've fucked up, I've been in weird situations, I've cried and bitched and ranted. But, I've also had some pretty amazing moments (I mean, I'm gonna be bragging about the smiles during Acht's show for quite a while), eaten some amazing food, seen some amazing things, gone to some cool places, and met some damn cool people.

So anyway I better get going...I need to take out the trash still (lawl) and then get to studying. I hate finals...

<3Eri

Christmas in Alsace

So it's finally beginning to feel like winter. It was still weird, feeling like Fall just kind of drifted in and out, unnoticed for the most part. I think it was because there was no Halloween or Thanksgiving here, and then all of a sudden brrrr it's in the 30's, and I'm freezing and my hair is getting wrecked by the weather. Lovely, eh?

So with the welcoming of winter (bleh...if you know me you know how much I LOATHE cold weather, and snow, and rain, and cloudy skies), Melinda and I decided to head out and see what's up with the Christmas Markets. They're not up and running yet, not entirely, but most are. There were TONS of vendors up at Place Kleber, while Place de Broglie is more or less still being assembled. Lots of booths are up by the Cathedral too, but I think we were out a little too late to see them. Ah well, not like they won't be up for the next month or anything. It was really neat though, getting out and seeing the markets, and the vendors. If I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel, I will try vin chaud/gluehwin this winter. So many people have gone on in my German classes about how awesome it is, that I basically have to try it now. (Is it bad I remember a scene from a Gil fanfic I read YEARS ago where they were drinking gluehwin? hahahaha ok we'll pretend I didn't say that)

But anyway I just had a wonderful time out tonight. I needed to get out of my cramped little dorm. All it's been lately is work, school, stress, school, sleep, rinse, repeat. Being out walking in the city was a welcomed change of pace, and I always have a good time hanging out with Melinda. I have to say, I'm glad I went up and talked to her in Droit International Public. She's probably the best friend I've made here in Strasbourg, and now with her being the second friend I've made from Ontario, looks like a trip to Toronto will be in order when I get back Stateside.

So anyway, it was really...magical...being out tonight. It was the totally predictable pretty winter evening, but you need that sometimes. It started snowing while we were out (and yes I whined about my hair getting wrecked hahahahaha!), and as much as I hate snow, it was really pretty. It's not cold enough for it to start sticking, so that helped. And it was those big white fluffy flakes too, that stick to everything and make it look really cool (except when it's my glasses lol). It was really cool. Melinda enjoyed it more than I did, but I have to agree with her this time: It was really cool, seeing it snow. Just kind of made the night even better. And I also had a good day in class. I finally felt like I get what's going on, and wasn't bored and restless all day. Definitely a good change of pace! I felt more on my game, so to speak, and felt like I got something out of going to class.

I'm glad I finally had a good time for the first time in a while. I won't go into any pity party anything. Frankly, I'm done complaining about things. Not saying I don't care, but I've had enough of myself. I'm living in France for crying outloud. Yeah, shit happens, and yeah I could've made better choices here and there, and I realize that now. But you know, this is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, and I kicked my own ass and pushed myself, and drug myself day through goddamn day to get here. There's no reason to continue wallowing. Life sucks some days, and then the next, it's back to being damn amazing. And for the first time, I can say I've watched my life actually go from good to bad to good to bad to somewhere in between. It's not a perpetual struggle anymore, with one or 2 sweet spots dropped in for good measure. It's generally good, with a few rough spots. I guess I just don't care about shit anymore. I've let shit mess with me long enough. It's not saying i shouldn't get mad about things. I should...and good Lord do I EVER get mad. But I need to stop letting it bother me like I usually do. It may suck for a while, but letting it bother me isn't making it any better.

Anyway, I better get going. gonna do some real writing (haha) and then go to bed. The cold and the snow wore me out.

<3Eri

Bon Anniversaire a MOI! ^_^

So as it's my birthday weekend, I should totally update, right? ;) I've been meaning to all week, but I haven't had the chance to.

Bad parts first (because I'm the type that likes to leave on a high note). I've been super stressed with school lately, be it being able to get my butt up and get to school in the AM, or knowing even WHERE or WHEN my classes are (one of the dates got changed, and I missed 2 classes, as I had no idea where to go or when). And then note taking, finals schedules, studying, blah blah blah. It's been tough. It's such a different system here, which I'm not criticizing, but it's not what i'm used to. It's to the point anymore where I hate school. No, seriously, I hate going to class. I haven't felt like this since I changed my degree. I loved school, loved my classes, everything. I mean ok I like some of my classes, and the profs are pretty cool, actually, but I hate sitting through class. Some more than others. I don't feel like I'm being taught, I feel like I'm being talked at and I have to type or scribble as much info as I possibly can. So that's all been weighing on me.

And of course the Almighty Dollar. Yep. Problems there too. Now before I rant too much, I know there's been some irresponsible spending or whatever on my behalf, but that said, I'm really mad now, because I'm out $300. First off, I've been trying to pay this damn credit card, without my dad paying what he owes me. Joy, right? There goes $150, and now i'm going to have to call them and say "look I can't afford this and here's why." Ugh, I'm NOT looking forward to this. Seriously. I'm stressed enough with my classes, I don't need to worry about paying my phone bill (I went on a phone plan, versus a prepay. They let me shut it off when I leave, and no extra charges. I went nuts this month on my phone bill, oops, but I think I got all the irresponsible texting done hahaha! Just staying within my plan now), and having food. But on a good note, I got a HUGE care package (2 boxes) from my aunt and uncle in Kentucky. I have food for a while now. INCLUDING CRUNCHY AND CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER! hahaha. And Ramen, and Chef Boyardee.

I got my paperwork for my OFII appointment. Thank God for that, finally. That's another thing that has me worried, paying for the medical exam. It's not that expensive, but, well, let's say that's how short on money I am right now. But I've said enough about that. I also should be hearing Tuesday afternoon about the editing job...FINALLY. Want to talk about a good solution...lol.

Ok, ok, ok, GOOD STUFF NOW!

I love how we match, yet look like a huge contradiction ahaha!

Last Saturday I went to a concert with Melinda, Ryan Cabrera and Boyce Avenue. Now, I admit I haven't listened to Ryan Cabrera since he was blonde and dating Ashlee Simpson when I was in high school, and I had never heard of Boyce Avenue, but I had a good time. I'm always down for new music, and since Melinda was nice enough to buy my ticket, sure why not?

Ryan was actually pretty decent, just him and his guitar. I don't know if it was this concert or what, but the French people were a bunch of sticks in the mud, just standing there. I had to get people cheering and clapping. Hahaha! I don't know how many times Melinda said I was "so loud" but hey! I go to shows to have fun. I mean geesh, Germans know how to have fun at shows, what the heck French people? hahaha! Like really, come on, it's a show you want to be at, HAVE FUN!!!!! Haha! Enough of my ranting! I did get a reaction out of Ryan though. It was pretty awesome actually...he made a comment about his "ghetto French" where I started giggling (and if you know how I giggle, you know how loud it was), and he looks around like, "Uh I dunno what the joke was but ok!" Oh my god, I felt bad because I wasn't laughing at him as in "haha you dumbass" I thought it was a fun little joke he made! It was humor! Of course though, did the French people laugh? Nope. *sighs* I'm gonna have to teach France about going to shows. For REAL! hahaha! I mean, all the insane stories I heard about French Tokio Hotel fans, I'm thinking I'm going to go and people are going to be excited and have fun. Not be the crazy people like I mentioned, but excited at least. Geesh. What a disappointment. XD

But no he was a decent performer though, and I had fun listening to him. And the gig itself (La Laiterie) was small and intimate, kinda like the Acht show was. I love shows like that. You can actually connect to the people you're seeing, and not feel like one tiny face in a huge crowd.

So anyway, Boyce Avenue comes on, and I REALLY enjoyed them. They gave off this vibe of just being good people, and they were so clear, and it was just a really neat show to see. I started crying several times during the show, as some songs hit WAY close to home. One song, in particularly, Broken Angel, that Alejandro (their singer) even said was about a friend of his who seemed to always have a rough life, but now, she's able to use her bad experiences and help other people out. And another song, Briane, was written in memory of a friend's wife, who committed suicide. It was supposed to be what she would say, now, seeing her husband continue through his life. It made me think of what my mom might be saying now to me. I'm even tearing up now thinking about those songs.

But without being a Debbie Downer,  I had an overall VERY good time. After the show, we got to meet the band, and get autographs. Fabian (above pic, left) complimented my English. XD But then I was like "Oh hey I'm American!" So we talked for a sec about studying abroad. Very cool...not to mention he's a cutie. ;) (I'm still a sucker for a guy with a guitar...SHUSH) Then I got to mention the songs thing, and I got a hug from Alejandro (singer) and a "pat on the back" from Fabian. <3 I got Fabian's Autograph too (woot German moment...capitalizing nouns! hahaha!). It was an overall awesome night, and I'm really glad I went out.

Concert Afterglow

I crashed at Melinda's, and the next day we sat around doing homework. I'm pretty sure we randomly played "Out Of My Bed (Still In My Head)" more times than anyone SHOULD, just to break the silence and keep things from getting too serious. Hahahaha! I think "Tearin' Up My Heart" made an appearance too. XD Oh I love 90's pop sometimes...

The week was spent trying to motivate myself to get through my classes. I actually did ok, save for one, but I've been so stressed I wasn't sleeping very well. I really need to get myself to that class too...but I'll make that my goal for this week. Some of my classes were canceled too, so that doesn't count, but I'll make it to those too. I don't want my finals to end up being a disaster. I've been able to get some notes in classes I either have had a hard time with, or not been to, or missed. So this week = copying and saving notes, and all that. I really want to do well, at least get decent marks. This semester, for so many reasons, has been rough, so if I don't get perfect grades, fine. I just want to be able to pass. Next semester = stepping it up and doing better. Now that i have an idea of what's going on and what to expect, I can work with it better next semester.

My birthday went well. One of my friends, Mariela (she's from Bulgaria) met me for dinner at a Chinese place not too far from my dorm, then after Melinda and I went to a really nice place called "Pont Aux Chats." And, for the record, "chats" means cats, and well, with Brandon having nicknamed me Kitty, how convenient for my birthday? :D It was a good night. Not quite as goofy and crazy as last year (oh laughing and carrying on in the parking lot of IHOP with Brendan, Beth, Bosco, and Brandon...:D), but I'm just glad I had people who gave a shit enough to want to meet me and take me out for a night. :D

Anyway I better get going and finish getting ready. I'm meeting another girl from one of my classes and some of her friends this afternoon. Hopefully it'll be fun. <3

You showed him all the best of you
But I'm afraid your best
Wasn't good enough
And know he never wanted you
At least not the way
You wanted yourself to be loved
And you feel like you were a mistake
He's not worth all those tears that won't go away

I wish you could see that
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen

Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe

And now you've grown up
With this notion that you were to blame
And you seem so strong sometimes
But I know that you still feel the same
As that little girl who shined like an angel
Even after his lazy heart put you through hell

I wish you could see that
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen

Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams?
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe
He would leave you alone
And leave you so cold
When you were his daughter
But the blood in your veins
As you carry his name
Turns thinner than water
You're just a broken angel

And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault
And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault. ..

Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue