I went to the Cathedral a few nights ago with some friends, Emeline, Schandra, Schandra's boyfriend (I can't remember how to spell his name at the moment), and one of Emeline's friends, Sibylle (and a side note, it was another characteristic Erika night, entailing hanging out with people from all 4 corners of the globe: Emeline was born in France but grew up in the US, Schandra's from Munich, her bf is from Romania, Sibylle is French, and I'm American. I love hanging in groups like that). Emeline off-handedly invited me, as we spent the afternoon chit-chatting over lunch. I had to study for a final (which...yeah...I'll explain that bit in a sec), but I was like hey what the hell. I need an excuse to dress up and have fun. I've been sequestered in my room for a while, and it was driving me nuts. So I studied for about an hour or so, got ready, and headed out to the cathedral.
The concert was great, however, well...Gothic cathedrals aren't known for being incredibly well insulated. We all froze, and as I was trying to conserve what food I had at the time, so I was also pretty hungry. Which then being me, leads to being antsy. So after about an hour we left (in the middle of a song, which annoyed the hell out of me...3 years out of being a classical musician, and some habits still stick. I even explained when you're supposed to clap to Emeline...hahaha gotta love concert etiquette classes), and headed back to Sibylle's place to hang out.
I had popcorn for the first time since getting to Europe! hahahaha! I was as excited about that as I was about seeing a Burger King in Stuttgart. XD The things you end up missing when you leave. hahaha! Anyway, we hung out munching on that, and having a few drinks, and in general having a good time. Schandra and her boyfriend left earlier than Emeline and I did, and she Sibylle and I spent the night talking, and having a good time. We talked books for a while, which well, if you know me you know I'm a book nerd, Emeline's a lit major, and Sibylle had quite an impressive collection of French and English books (British and American). She even lent me a book by Amelie Nothombe. I was going to read it after I re-read Gone With The Wind, but as it's a borrowed book I may wait and read it before I finish Gone With The Wind.
So I spent Sunday studying, and Monday was the exam. Dun, dun, dun!!!
It was Systèmes Politiques Comparés, aka my bitch class of the semester. I HATED that class with a passion. I mean, I stopped going and found the notes elsewhere hated it. I did study though, so it wasn't useless. I show up to my final, which they're running behind (best part was, I get there, everyone says this fact in French, no matter where they were from and I turn around and reply with "WHAT THE FUCK? Son of a bitch!" Hahaha! Cussing is the only thing I generally keep to English with). I go home, get my computer, come back, and study. I tried to go in 2-3 times to take the exam, and ended up waiting a bit longer. I didn't mind, but at the same time I was ready to go into the torture chamber, and be done with it.
Fortunately my question was over democracy. I was THRILLED as i can bullshit about democracy pretty well. I don't mean bullshit as in I think democracy is bullshit, I mean I can pull it out of thin air and make a decent point about it relatively easily. I did just that too. Well...the prof busted me on using the USA as an example more than Europe. Granted the question itself didn't specify (the question was basically: Is it fair to say that Modern Democracy was born with the acceptance of Universal Suffrage), but as the class was over Euro politics, the prof was like "Can you give me some info on Europe?" Hahahaha...FAIL! but she didn't argue with the points I made about democracy itself, so that was a 50/50. Then a few questions came after, about other things. I had one that was the classic "OH SHIT! I STUDIED THIS! I CAN SEE WHERE IT'S WRITTEN ON THE PAGE! Now...WHAT THE FUCK WAS IT?" moment. Then the other I answered, but I flip flopped it (I had to compare authoritarianism to totalitarianism, which was actually the last thing I read over before I had to go take the final). So I know I'll get docked, but at the same time, I think it was obvious I at least stood the differences.
I just hope I passed. I don't really need it at home, but with wanting the CEPE, I did. *sighs* Well the die have been cast...so we'll find out where they land.
So at this point I just have my finals in January to study for. I'm not too worried about them. I mean, I need to study, but as long as I do, I'll be ok. I'm having a shit time in this stupid history class I have, AGAIN (she changed the room once more, and while I believe her when she said she announced it several times, I STILL missed it, and guess who showed up to the wrong class AGAIN. UGH. Does she not realize I ONLY miss class when she does this?), but it'll get worked out. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't signed up for this certificate now, because frankly, I don't need most of the classes I'm taking for it. These "general history" classes--which I mean it's not that I don't like history, but I don't need them--sys po comp, and a few others. My classes next semester are all actually a bit more...shall we say necessary...for the CEPE, as well as back home. Only maybe one or 2 are a bit extraneous, though I'm thinking of retaking one when I get home. I dunno. It's not because I'm afraid of failing it here, I feel like it doesn't REALLY talk about what I thought it would. It's supposed to be History of International Relations. It really just ends up being a run through of the history of WW1-WW2. Not saying IR wasn't developed during that time, it was, but...well the only IR part is "Oh such and so signed such and such treaty." It doesn't feel like much is touched on about the implications of what that treaty was, or what the ramifications were on an International level. Maybe I'm just too American when it comes to school, I dunno. Then again, come final time in June, there's a possibility of a question being posed that DOES deal with IR, and then knowing the history explains it *shrugs* who knows? But the good thing is my classes are overlapping, so what I learn in one is pertinent in another, and that definitely helps retention.
Anyway I better get going. I may make a phone call, and I might have to go do some stuff before my evening class. *sighs* this week just needs to be OVER.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
It's only been a week and a half since I've written anything, but I'm feeling a bit of an itch to write.
The last while has been eventful, but not in the way it was before. I honestly just stay in my room most days and do nothing. Haha! Mainly to avoid from wanting to spend money on crap I don't need, or whatever, but if you know me, I LOVE being out and about, so holing up in my room is driving me crazy.
I have a final today, in a few hours actually. And it's driving me nuts. It's the one class I basically gave up on weeks ago. I don't need it at home, I just took it for the certificate that the school here offers. It's not at all what i thought it would be, which isn't to say what it is is bad or stupid, just not what I was expecting, therefore not as interesting as what I was expecting. But from what I gather, other students share my, or have similar, sentiments.
The good part is though, no matter what happens with this final today, I only have 3 to prepare for over the break. And I'm not really that worried about them. Not saying I won't study, but I figure if I sit down and study I'll be ok. Of course I'm going to be SLAMMED with finals come the end of the year (year long + second semester classes) but I also have time on my side right now, so I'm not too worried about that. And classes actually end at the end of April, so I have a month to study. THANK GOD. I'm gonna need it.
I'm frustrated YET AGAIN with the class I kept missing a while ago. The prof changed the room AGAIN (one time thing), and I missed the announcement in class, and yeah. Needless to say I was none too thrilled. Not really mad at the prof per se, as I'm just getting frustrated with the changes. Especially as I actually show up for class to find I'm in the wrong room, or there at the wrong time. It's not like I'm skipping on purpose. Matter of fact, I've ONLY missed this class when she's changed it. If there's no change, I'm there on time, ready to go. The prof expects you to be there and I'm cool with that. But then I find out that the paper I've turned in (and had a friend edit) was off base. UGH! Are you serious? I did a good topic too...which makes me even more mad. It's not like I BS'd the paper, and hoped for the best. I actually put time and effort into it, and did a ton of research for it. So now to find out I apparently missed the point is aggravating. But she said she'll talk to me, so either she'll be willing to give me some kind of credit for what I DID do (which I would prefer lol), or she'll let me rewrite it.
But that all said, I guess what makes the last several weeks so eventful is all the "growing up" and "Life lessons" I've been doing and learning. A part of me gets really mad, because, well, here I am at 25, just now figuring some of this stuff out, but the beauty of it is, I AM learning it. I've fallen on my face, and yeah it hurts, but I get back up, and move on. One day I'm angry that the friends i Have here, who are 19, 20, MAYBE 21, are like "Oh yeah i knew that" or they have a handle on something, and here I am going "huh?" but the next day I'm happy I even have the chance. I wasn't getting the chance before. I was getting smothered. Things are still trying to smother me, but it's not working this time. I've had enough of being the bird in the gilded cage, or the pretty toy on a shelf, or, to put it how Hanson (shush) wrote in a song, "Put on these chains, and you can live a free life." I was living a free life under a guise where I was really chained for YEARS. And freedom was always defined as being able to come and go when I wanted. No, freedom is being able to discover who you are without restraints. I'm not saying you have to be wreckless and stupid, but no one's behind you saying "No, don't" or "No you can't because I say so," it's all up to me at this point. I decide. I do. I think. I feel. I say. It's up to me, no one else.
And I don't feel inclined to do what most newly freed young adults do. I have no desire to go party all the time, get drunk because I can, or go find some drug to shoot up. I don't feel like sleeping with anything that's defined as 'male'. If anything my worst offense has been going out and eating at restaurants I can't afford on a whim. Or that 50 euro sweater! hahaha! Things that really in the end are relatively harmless (And in the case of the sweater I wear it all the time).
The thing i have to remind myself of is that seasons come and go. Nothing is forever. I used to think that was the biggest piece of shit you could tell me, but so much has happened in 3 months, I can't help but believe that anymore. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. Things come and go. One day is rainy and shitty and your jeans get soaked and have to be hung on the radiator before you can wear them again. The next day is sunny and warm and you're eating enough gelato to make yourself sick. So whatever happens, happens. Whatever will happen, will happen. And we can't do anything about what has happened. so whatever's next will come, and it too in its time will pass into something else.
The last while has been eventful, but not in the way it was before. I honestly just stay in my room most days and do nothing. Haha! Mainly to avoid from wanting to spend money on crap I don't need, or whatever, but if you know me, I LOVE being out and about, so holing up in my room is driving me crazy.
I have a final today, in a few hours actually. And it's driving me nuts. It's the one class I basically gave up on weeks ago. I don't need it at home, I just took it for the certificate that the school here offers. It's not at all what i thought it would be, which isn't to say what it is is bad or stupid, just not what I was expecting, therefore not as interesting as what I was expecting. But from what I gather, other students share my, or have similar, sentiments.
The good part is though, no matter what happens with this final today, I only have 3 to prepare for over the break. And I'm not really that worried about them. Not saying I won't study, but I figure if I sit down and study I'll be ok. Of course I'm going to be SLAMMED with finals come the end of the year (year long + second semester classes) but I also have time on my side right now, so I'm not too worried about that. And classes actually end at the end of April, so I have a month to study. THANK GOD. I'm gonna need it.
I'm frustrated YET AGAIN with the class I kept missing a while ago. The prof changed the room AGAIN (one time thing), and I missed the announcement in class, and yeah. Needless to say I was none too thrilled. Not really mad at the prof per se, as I'm just getting frustrated with the changes. Especially as I actually show up for class to find I'm in the wrong room, or there at the wrong time. It's not like I'm skipping on purpose. Matter of fact, I've ONLY missed this class when she's changed it. If there's no change, I'm there on time, ready to go. The prof expects you to be there and I'm cool with that. But then I find out that the paper I've turned in (and had a friend edit) was off base. UGH! Are you serious? I did a good topic too...which makes me even more mad. It's not like I BS'd the paper, and hoped for the best. I actually put time and effort into it, and did a ton of research for it. So now to find out I apparently missed the point is aggravating. But she said she'll talk to me, so either she'll be willing to give me some kind of credit for what I DID do (which I would prefer lol), or she'll let me rewrite it.
But that all said, I guess what makes the last several weeks so eventful is all the "growing up" and "Life lessons" I've been doing and learning. A part of me gets really mad, because, well, here I am at 25, just now figuring some of this stuff out, but the beauty of it is, I AM learning it. I've fallen on my face, and yeah it hurts, but I get back up, and move on. One day I'm angry that the friends i Have here, who are 19, 20, MAYBE 21, are like "Oh yeah i knew that" or they have a handle on something, and here I am going "huh?" but the next day I'm happy I even have the chance. I wasn't getting the chance before. I was getting smothered. Things are still trying to smother me, but it's not working this time. I've had enough of being the bird in the gilded cage, or the pretty toy on a shelf, or, to put it how Hanson (shush) wrote in a song, "Put on these chains, and you can live a free life." I was living a free life under a guise where I was really chained for YEARS. And freedom was always defined as being able to come and go when I wanted. No, freedom is being able to discover who you are without restraints. I'm not saying you have to be wreckless and stupid, but no one's behind you saying "No, don't" or "No you can't because I say so," it's all up to me at this point. I decide. I do. I think. I feel. I say. It's up to me, no one else.
And I don't feel inclined to do what most newly freed young adults do. I have no desire to go party all the time, get drunk because I can, or go find some drug to shoot up. I don't feel like sleeping with anything that's defined as 'male'. If anything my worst offense has been going out and eating at restaurants I can't afford on a whim. Or that 50 euro sweater! hahaha! Things that really in the end are relatively harmless (And in the case of the sweater I wear it all the time).
The thing i have to remind myself of is that seasons come and go. Nothing is forever. I used to think that was the biggest piece of shit you could tell me, but so much has happened in 3 months, I can't help but believe that anymore. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. Things come and go. One day is rainy and shitty and your jeans get soaked and have to be hung on the radiator before you can wear them again. The next day is sunny and warm and you're eating enough gelato to make yourself sick. So whatever happens, happens. Whatever will happen, will happen. And we can't do anything about what has happened. so whatever's next will come, and it too in its time will pass into something else.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
'Tis the season...
to be stressing! Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Yes, my finals schedule is ALL sorts of screwed up now, apparently, and do I have ANY idea where to find ANY of this information? Of COURSE not. Wait, I can check online! hahaha! I just thought of that! XD But no apparently all of a sudden a ton of finals are BEFORE break, not after so there goes 2 weeks I thought I'd have for studying. Or at least a few. Uhhhhh yeaaaaahhhhhh not kosher. At all. And there's nothing online. Shiiiiiiiiiit.
Anyway that said I just wanted to jump on here for a minute. I hadn't updated in a while.
This town may end up making me appreciate snow. Haha! The snow here does end up making everything even prettier. I slipped quite a few times on my walk to school Friday, but other than that it hasn't been bad at all.
I've been a pretty emotional rollercoaster lately. I know, nothing new, but there's been a lot to sort out. I'd dare say a lot of it is "growing pains". I decided to go to the school counselor, to talk about it, but that just ended up not really helping. Granted, I'll blame half of that on language barriers (I had several points in time where I just didn't know how to say something in French) but IDK, I guess I was looking for a different approach? Some other kind of insight that I, nor my friends, would've had. Nothing against my friends, but sometimes you turn to "educated" people because you know they have a different slant on things. Well, in the end, she only told me what I had been told umpteen times. So on a good note, that means (in my way of thinking) there's a level of truth and the advice should be taken. But on the flipside, I guess I just wanted something more meaningful. *shrugs* Ah well...at least the appointment was free, and the woman I saw was nice enough. I kind of miss the counselor I had at IPFW last year. I would tell her what was going on, then she'd ask for my reaction, or would play devil's advocate and tell the other side of that. I guess that's really what I wanted.
But moving ahead, I am finally legal! ahahaha! I got my titre de séjour (equivalent of a green card in the US) on Wednesday. But the story doesn't end there...
First off, I was hanging out in the waiting room at the immigration office. Normal, whatever, sit next to some guy. He starts talking to me. Ok fine...waiting room...this happens. Well 1) He's Arab 2) he couldn't speak French for a damn.
Let me explain myself though before I go any further. I realize the Arab statement sounds horribly racist. But, keep in mind, I have friends who are Arab/of Arab descent. I have no problem with Arabs based on their ethnicity. However, I have the uncanniest luck with Arab men. They don't understand "no," they don't understand "I won't sleep with you," and they don't understand "I'm not interested in you." I've had many BAD experiences with Arab men trying to pick me up. And when they try, and don't take no as an answer, the claws come out. I (sadly) will resort to racist slurs and bad stereotypes to get them to leave me alone if I have to. Not because I believe that crap, but because it'll piss them off enough they walk away.
Fortunately I haven't had to resort to that in this instance, but as soon as a guy named Abdul asked me for my phone number, in an immigration office, I felt myself mentally groan and roll my eyes. But being naive little Erika, he now has my number, and has tried to call me. And I ignore every damn call. UGH! I swear I have the weirdest luck when it comes to guys.
Let's not even talk about the Georgian guy who wouldn't shut up about me being "the most beautiful American [he] ever saw." Another mental eye roll.
Moving on, as the semester is winding down, I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. Mainly just all the ups and downs of being here. It's baffling to think how much has happened. Ups, downs, ins, outs, trips, languages, culture, finding my way around a new city, making friends, getting lost, being overly emotional, spending too much money on crap, and not enough on necessities, post cards, packages home, a 55 euro stamp, Gil Ofarim, Gelato, figuring out how to handle myself, learning how to adapt to a different system, figuring out how to get a hold of the US and not spend a small fortune, knowing who cares, knowing who doesn't, coming to terms, realizing something new, blisters after walking around the city all day, having the most ridiculously tacky blanket that keeps me warm to the point of sweating most nights, plug converters, the fire-breathing hair dryer, walking between 2 countries, my first train ride, new currency, a decent public transit system, letting go and trying to move on, hatred, love, excitement, despair, hope, confusion...Lord this list could go on all night if I wanted it to. And, ya know, I'm glad I'm here all year. I feel like I'm starting to get a grasp on everything. And hell...I want to keep trying! As rough as it's been lately, I don't want to stop. I'm not ready to quit or give up. Maybe it even serves as motivation to keep trying and keep going, and to learn more and more and more...and I don't just mean academically. We're talking life; personal discovery. That's why I decided to take this damn trip. I could've stayed at home, I could've just settled, and ya know, it probably wouldn't have been all bad had I made that choice. The way my life was beginning to look up to the day I left, it was actually looking better. Not perfect, but better. But, well...when have I ever been content to settle? Never. I needed this. I really needed this. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I needed it all.
I've never had the chance to be my own person, mainly because of how my dad was treating me. I had to be his minion, and I wasn't content to do that. So while everyone else my age is going out and getting a career, married, and having a family, I'm figuring out a bunch of shit I should've been working on when I was 19. But, at least I have that chance. I've fallen on my face, I've fucked up, I've been in weird situations, I've cried and bitched and ranted. But, I've also had some pretty amazing moments (I mean, I'm gonna be bragging about the smiles during Acht's show for quite a while), eaten some amazing food, seen some amazing things, gone to some cool places, and met some damn cool people.
So anyway I better get going...I need to take out the trash still (lawl) and then get to studying. I hate finals...
<3Eri
Anyway that said I just wanted to jump on here for a minute. I hadn't updated in a while.
This town may end up making me appreciate snow. Haha! The snow here does end up making everything even prettier. I slipped quite a few times on my walk to school Friday, but other than that it hasn't been bad at all.
I've been a pretty emotional rollercoaster lately. I know, nothing new, but there's been a lot to sort out. I'd dare say a lot of it is "growing pains". I decided to go to the school counselor, to talk about it, but that just ended up not really helping. Granted, I'll blame half of that on language barriers (I had several points in time where I just didn't know how to say something in French) but IDK, I guess I was looking for a different approach? Some other kind of insight that I, nor my friends, would've had. Nothing against my friends, but sometimes you turn to "educated" people because you know they have a different slant on things. Well, in the end, she only told me what I had been told umpteen times. So on a good note, that means (in my way of thinking) there's a level of truth and the advice should be taken. But on the flipside, I guess I just wanted something more meaningful. *shrugs* Ah well...at least the appointment was free, and the woman I saw was nice enough. I kind of miss the counselor I had at IPFW last year. I would tell her what was going on, then she'd ask for my reaction, or would play devil's advocate and tell the other side of that. I guess that's really what I wanted.
But moving ahead, I am finally legal! ahahaha! I got my titre de séjour (equivalent of a green card in the US) on Wednesday. But the story doesn't end there...
First off, I was hanging out in the waiting room at the immigration office. Normal, whatever, sit next to some guy. He starts talking to me. Ok fine...waiting room...this happens. Well 1) He's Arab 2) he couldn't speak French for a damn.
Let me explain myself though before I go any further. I realize the Arab statement sounds horribly racist. But, keep in mind, I have friends who are Arab/of Arab descent. I have no problem with Arabs based on their ethnicity. However, I have the uncanniest luck with Arab men. They don't understand "no," they don't understand "I won't sleep with you," and they don't understand "I'm not interested in you." I've had many BAD experiences with Arab men trying to pick me up. And when they try, and don't take no as an answer, the claws come out. I (sadly) will resort to racist slurs and bad stereotypes to get them to leave me alone if I have to. Not because I believe that crap, but because it'll piss them off enough they walk away.
Fortunately I haven't had to resort to that in this instance, but as soon as a guy named Abdul asked me for my phone number, in an immigration office, I felt myself mentally groan and roll my eyes. But being naive little Erika, he now has my number, and has tried to call me. And I ignore every damn call. UGH! I swear I have the weirdest luck when it comes to guys.
Let's not even talk about the Georgian guy who wouldn't shut up about me being "the most beautiful American [he] ever saw." Another mental eye roll.
Moving on, as the semester is winding down, I've been thinking a lot about a lot of things. Mainly just all the ups and downs of being here. It's baffling to think how much has happened. Ups, downs, ins, outs, trips, languages, culture, finding my way around a new city, making friends, getting lost, being overly emotional, spending too much money on crap, and not enough on necessities, post cards, packages home, a 55 euro stamp, Gil Ofarim, Gelato, figuring out how to handle myself, learning how to adapt to a different system, figuring out how to get a hold of the US and not spend a small fortune, knowing who cares, knowing who doesn't, coming to terms, realizing something new, blisters after walking around the city all day, having the most ridiculously tacky blanket that keeps me warm to the point of sweating most nights, plug converters, the fire-breathing hair dryer, walking between 2 countries, my first train ride, new currency, a decent public transit system, letting go and trying to move on, hatred, love, excitement, despair, hope, confusion...Lord this list could go on all night if I wanted it to. And, ya know, I'm glad I'm here all year. I feel like I'm starting to get a grasp on everything. And hell...I want to keep trying! As rough as it's been lately, I don't want to stop. I'm not ready to quit or give up. Maybe it even serves as motivation to keep trying and keep going, and to learn more and more and more...and I don't just mean academically. We're talking life; personal discovery. That's why I decided to take this damn trip. I could've stayed at home, I could've just settled, and ya know, it probably wouldn't have been all bad had I made that choice. The way my life was beginning to look up to the day I left, it was actually looking better. Not perfect, but better. But, well...when have I ever been content to settle? Never. I needed this. I really needed this. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I needed it all.
I've never had the chance to be my own person, mainly because of how my dad was treating me. I had to be his minion, and I wasn't content to do that. So while everyone else my age is going out and getting a career, married, and having a family, I'm figuring out a bunch of shit I should've been working on when I was 19. But, at least I have that chance. I've fallen on my face, I've fucked up, I've been in weird situations, I've cried and bitched and ranted. But, I've also had some pretty amazing moments (I mean, I'm gonna be bragging about the smiles during Acht's show for quite a while), eaten some amazing food, seen some amazing things, gone to some cool places, and met some damn cool people.
So anyway I better get going...I need to take out the trash still (lawl) and then get to studying. I hate finals...
<3Eri
Friday, November 26, 2010
Christmas in Alsace
So it's finally beginning to feel like winter. It was still weird, feeling like Fall just kind of drifted in and out, unnoticed for the most part. I think it was because there was no Halloween or Thanksgiving here, and then all of a sudden brrrr it's in the 30's, and I'm freezing and my hair is getting wrecked by the weather. Lovely, eh?
So with the welcoming of winter (bleh...if you know me you know how much I LOATHE cold weather, and snow, and rain, and cloudy skies), Melinda and I decided to head out and see what's up with the Christmas Markets. They're not up and running yet, not entirely, but most are. There were TONS of vendors up at Place Kleber, while Place de Broglie is more or less still being assembled. Lots of booths are up by the Cathedral too, but I think we were out a little too late to see them. Ah well, not like they won't be up for the next month or anything. It was really neat though, getting out and seeing the markets, and the vendors. If I have to scrape the bottom of the barrel, I will try vin chaud/gluehwin this winter. So many people have gone on in my German classes about how awesome it is, that I basically have to try it now. (Is it bad I remember a scene from a Gil fanfic I read YEARS ago where they were drinking gluehwin? hahahaha ok we'll pretend I didn't say that)
But anyway I just had a wonderful time out tonight. I needed to get out of my cramped little dorm. All it's been lately is work, school, stress, school, sleep, rinse, repeat. Being out walking in the city was a welcomed change of pace, and I always have a good time hanging out with Melinda. I have to say, I'm glad I went up and talked to her in Droit International Public. She's probably the best friend I've made here in Strasbourg, and now with her being the second friend I've made from Ontario, looks like a trip to Toronto will be in order when I get back Stateside.
So anyway, it was really...magical...being out tonight. It was the totally predictable pretty winter evening, but you need that sometimes. It started snowing while we were out (and yes I whined about my hair getting wrecked hahahahaha!), and as much as I hate snow, it was really pretty. It's not cold enough for it to start sticking, so that helped. And it was those big white fluffy flakes too, that stick to everything and make it look really cool (except when it's my glasses lol). It was really cool. Melinda enjoyed it more than I did, but I have to agree with her this time: It was really cool, seeing it snow. Just kind of made the night even better. And I also had a good day in class. I finally felt like I get what's going on, and wasn't bored and restless all day. Definitely a good change of pace! I felt more on my game, so to speak, and felt like I got something out of going to class.
I'm glad I finally had a good time for the first time in a while. I won't go into any pity party anything. Frankly, I'm done complaining about things. Not saying I don't care, but I've had enough of myself. I'm living in France for crying outloud. Yeah, shit happens, and yeah I could've made better choices here and there, and I realize that now. But you know, this is something I've wanted for as long as I can remember, and I kicked my own ass and pushed myself, and drug myself day through goddamn day to get here. There's no reason to continue wallowing. Life sucks some days, and then the next, it's back to being damn amazing. And for the first time, I can say I've watched my life actually go from good to bad to good to bad to somewhere in between. It's not a perpetual struggle anymore, with one or 2 sweet spots dropped in for good measure. It's generally good, with a few rough spots. I guess I just don't care about shit anymore. I've let shit mess with me long enough. It's not saying i shouldn't get mad about things. I should...and good Lord do I EVER get mad. But I need to stop letting it bother me like I usually do. It may suck for a while, but letting it bother me isn't making it any better.
Anyway, I better get going. gonna do some real writing (haha) and then go to bed. The cold and the snow wore me out.
<3Eri
Anyway, I better get going. gonna do some real writing (haha) and then go to bed. The cold and the snow wore me out.
<3Eri
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Bon Anniversaire a MOI! ^_^
So as it's my birthday weekend, I should totally update, right? ;) I've been meaning to all week, but I haven't had the chance to.
Bad parts first (because I'm the type that likes to leave on a high note). I've been super stressed with school lately, be it being able to get my butt up and get to school in the AM, or knowing even WHERE or WHEN my classes are (one of the dates got changed, and I missed 2 classes, as I had no idea where to go or when). And then note taking, finals schedules, studying, blah blah blah. It's been tough. It's such a different system here, which I'm not criticizing, but it's not what i'm used to. It's to the point anymore where I hate school. No, seriously, I hate going to class. I haven't felt like this since I changed my degree. I loved school, loved my classes, everything. I mean ok I like some of my classes, and the profs are pretty cool, actually, but I hate sitting through class. Some more than others. I don't feel like I'm being taught, I feel like I'm being talked at and I have to type or scribble as much info as I possibly can. So that's all been weighing on me.
And of course the Almighty Dollar. Yep. Problems there too. Now before I rant too much, I know there's been some irresponsible spending or whatever on my behalf, but that said, I'm really mad now, because I'm out $300. First off, I've been trying to pay this damn credit card, without my dad paying what he owes me. Joy, right? There goes $150, and now i'm going to have to call them and say "look I can't afford this and here's why." Ugh, I'm NOT looking forward to this. Seriously. I'm stressed enough with my classes, I don't need to worry about paying my phone bill (I went on a phone plan, versus a prepay. They let me shut it off when I leave, and no extra charges. I went nuts this month on my phone bill, oops, but I think I got all the irresponsible texting done hahaha! Just staying within my plan now), and having food. But on a good note, I got a HUGE care package (2 boxes) from my aunt and uncle in Kentucky. I have food for a while now. INCLUDING CRUNCHY AND CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER! hahaha. And Ramen, and Chef Boyardee.
I got my paperwork for my OFII appointment. Thank God for that, finally. That's another thing that has me worried, paying for the medical exam. It's not that expensive, but, well, let's say that's how short on money I am right now. But I've said enough about that. I also should be hearing Tuesday afternoon about the editing job...FINALLY. Want to talk about a good solution...lol.
Ok, ok, ok, GOOD STUFF NOW!
Last Saturday I went to a concert with Melinda, Ryan Cabrera and Boyce Avenue. Now, I admit I haven't listened to Ryan Cabrera since he was blonde and dating Ashlee Simpson when I was in high school, and I had never heard of Boyce Avenue, but I had a good time. I'm always down for new music, and since Melinda was nice enough to buy my ticket, sure why not?
Ryan was actually pretty decent, just him and his guitar. I don't know if it was this concert or what, but the French people were a bunch of sticks in the mud, just standing there. I had to get people cheering and clapping. Hahaha! I don't know how many times Melinda said I was "so loud" but hey! I go to shows to have fun. I mean geesh, Germans know how to have fun at shows, what the heck French people? hahaha! Like really, come on, it's a show you want to be at, HAVE FUN!!!!! Haha! Enough of my ranting! I did get a reaction out of Ryan though. It was pretty awesome actually...he made a comment about his "ghetto French" where I started giggling (and if you know how I giggle, you know how loud it was), and he looks around like, "Uh I dunno what the joke was but ok!" Oh my god, I felt bad because I wasn't laughing at him as in "haha you dumbass" I thought it was a fun little joke he made! It was humor! Of course though, did the French people laugh? Nope. *sighs* I'm gonna have to teach France about going to shows. For REAL! hahaha! I mean, all the insane stories I heard about French Tokio Hotel fans, I'm thinking I'm going to go and people are going to be excited and have fun. Not be the crazy people like I mentioned, but excited at least. Geesh. What a disappointment. XD
But no he was a decent performer though, and I had fun listening to him. And the gig itself (La Laiterie) was small and intimate, kinda like the Acht show was. I love shows like that. You can actually connect to the people you're seeing, and not feel like one tiny face in a huge crowd.
So anyway, Boyce Avenue comes on, and I REALLY enjoyed them. They gave off this vibe of just being good people, and they were so clear, and it was just a really neat show to see. I started crying several times during the show, as some songs hit WAY close to home. One song, in particularly, Broken Angel, that Alejandro (their singer) even said was about a friend of his who seemed to always have a rough life, but now, she's able to use her bad experiences and help other people out. And another song, Briane, was written in memory of a friend's wife, who committed suicide. It was supposed to be what she would say, now, seeing her husband continue through his life. It made me think of what my mom might be saying now to me. I'm even tearing up now thinking about those songs.
But without being a Debbie Downer, I had an overall VERY good time. After the show, we got to meet the band, and get autographs. Fabian (above pic, left) complimented my English. XD But then I was like "Oh hey I'm American!" So we talked for a sec about studying abroad. Very cool...not to mention he's a cutie. ;) (I'm still a sucker for a guy with a guitar...SHUSH) Then I got to mention the songs thing, and I got a hug from Alejandro (singer) and a "pat on the back" from Fabian. <3 I got Fabian's Autograph too (woot German moment...capitalizing nouns! hahaha!). It was an overall awesome night, and I'm really glad I went out.
I crashed at Melinda's, and the next day we sat around doing homework. I'm pretty sure we randomly played "Out Of My Bed (Still In My Head)" more times than anyone SHOULD, just to break the silence and keep things from getting too serious. Hahahaha! I think "Tearin' Up My Heart" made an appearance too. XD Oh I love 90's pop sometimes...
The week was spent trying to motivate myself to get through my classes. I actually did ok, save for one, but I've been so stressed I wasn't sleeping very well. I really need to get myself to that class too...but I'll make that my goal for this week. Some of my classes were canceled too, so that doesn't count, but I'll make it to those too. I don't want my finals to end up being a disaster. I've been able to get some notes in classes I either have had a hard time with, or not been to, or missed. So this week = copying and saving notes, and all that. I really want to do well, at least get decent marks. This semester, for so many reasons, has been rough, so if I don't get perfect grades, fine. I just want to be able to pass. Next semester = stepping it up and doing better. Now that i have an idea of what's going on and what to expect, I can work with it better next semester.
My birthday went well. One of my friends, Mariela (she's from Bulgaria) met me for dinner at a Chinese place not too far from my dorm, then after Melinda and I went to a really nice place called "Pont Aux Chats." And, for the record, "chats" means cats, and well, with Brandon having nicknamed me Kitty, how convenient for my birthday? :D It was a good night. Not quite as goofy and crazy as last year (oh laughing and carrying on in the parking lot of IHOP with Brendan, Beth, Bosco, and Brandon...:D), but I'm just glad I had people who gave a shit enough to want to meet me and take me out for a night. :D
Anyway I better get going and finish getting ready. I'm meeting another girl from one of my classes and some of her friends this afternoon. Hopefully it'll be fun. <3
You showed him all the best of you
But I'm afraid your best
Wasn't good enough
And know he never wanted you
At least not the way
You wanted yourself to be loved
And you feel like you were a mistake
He's not worth all those tears that won't go away
I wish you could see that
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen
Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe
And now you've grown up
With this notion that you were to blame
And you seem so strong sometimes
But I know that you still feel the same
As that little girl who shined like an angel
Even after his lazy heart put you through hell
I wish you could see that
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen
Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams?
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe
He would leave you alone
And leave you so cold
When you were his daughter
But the blood in your veins
As you carry his name
Turns thinner than water
You're just a broken angel
And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault
And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault. ..
Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue
Bad parts first (because I'm the type that likes to leave on a high note). I've been super stressed with school lately, be it being able to get my butt up and get to school in the AM, or knowing even WHERE or WHEN my classes are (one of the dates got changed, and I missed 2 classes, as I had no idea where to go or when). And then note taking, finals schedules, studying, blah blah blah. It's been tough. It's such a different system here, which I'm not criticizing, but it's not what i'm used to. It's to the point anymore where I hate school. No, seriously, I hate going to class. I haven't felt like this since I changed my degree. I loved school, loved my classes, everything. I mean ok I like some of my classes, and the profs are pretty cool, actually, but I hate sitting through class. Some more than others. I don't feel like I'm being taught, I feel like I'm being talked at and I have to type or scribble as much info as I possibly can. So that's all been weighing on me.
And of course the Almighty Dollar. Yep. Problems there too. Now before I rant too much, I know there's been some irresponsible spending or whatever on my behalf, but that said, I'm really mad now, because I'm out $300. First off, I've been trying to pay this damn credit card, without my dad paying what he owes me. Joy, right? There goes $150, and now i'm going to have to call them and say "look I can't afford this and here's why." Ugh, I'm NOT looking forward to this. Seriously. I'm stressed enough with my classes, I don't need to worry about paying my phone bill (I went on a phone plan, versus a prepay. They let me shut it off when I leave, and no extra charges. I went nuts this month on my phone bill, oops, but I think I got all the irresponsible texting done hahaha! Just staying within my plan now), and having food. But on a good note, I got a HUGE care package (2 boxes) from my aunt and uncle in Kentucky. I have food for a while now. INCLUDING CRUNCHY AND CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER! hahaha. And Ramen, and Chef Boyardee.
I got my paperwork for my OFII appointment. Thank God for that, finally. That's another thing that has me worried, paying for the medical exam. It's not that expensive, but, well, let's say that's how short on money I am right now. But I've said enough about that. I also should be hearing Tuesday afternoon about the editing job...FINALLY. Want to talk about a good solution...lol.
Ok, ok, ok, GOOD STUFF NOW!
 |
| I love how we match, yet look like a huge contradiction ahaha! |
But no he was a decent performer though, and I had fun listening to him. And the gig itself (La Laiterie) was small and intimate, kinda like the Acht show was. I love shows like that. You can actually connect to the people you're seeing, and not feel like one tiny face in a huge crowd.
But without being a Debbie Downer, I had an overall VERY good time. After the show, we got to meet the band, and get autographs. Fabian (above pic, left) complimented my English. XD But then I was like "Oh hey I'm American!" So we talked for a sec about studying abroad. Very cool...not to mention he's a cutie. ;) (I'm still a sucker for a guy with a guitar...SHUSH) Then I got to mention the songs thing, and I got a hug from Alejandro (singer) and a "pat on the back" from Fabian. <3 I got Fabian's Autograph too (woot German moment...capitalizing nouns! hahaha!). It was an overall awesome night, and I'm really glad I went out. |
| Concert Afterglow |
The week was spent trying to motivate myself to get through my classes. I actually did ok, save for one, but I've been so stressed I wasn't sleeping very well. I really need to get myself to that class too...but I'll make that my goal for this week. Some of my classes were canceled too, so that doesn't count, but I'll make it to those too. I don't want my finals to end up being a disaster. I've been able to get some notes in classes I either have had a hard time with, or not been to, or missed. So this week = copying and saving notes, and all that. I really want to do well, at least get decent marks. This semester, for so many reasons, has been rough, so if I don't get perfect grades, fine. I just want to be able to pass. Next semester = stepping it up and doing better. Now that i have an idea of what's going on and what to expect, I can work with it better next semester.
My birthday went well. One of my friends, Mariela (she's from Bulgaria) met me for dinner at a Chinese place not too far from my dorm, then after Melinda and I went to a really nice place called "Pont Aux Chats." And, for the record, "chats" means cats, and well, with Brandon having nicknamed me Kitty, how convenient for my birthday? :D It was a good night. Not quite as goofy and crazy as last year (oh laughing and carrying on in the parking lot of IHOP with Brendan, Beth, Bosco, and Brandon...:D), but I'm just glad I had people who gave a shit enough to want to meet me and take me out for a night. :D
Anyway I better get going and finish getting ready. I'm meeting another girl from one of my classes and some of her friends this afternoon. Hopefully it'll be fun. <3
You showed him all the best of you
But I'm afraid your best
Wasn't good enough
And know he never wanted you
At least not the way
You wanted yourself to be loved
And you feel like you were a mistake
He's not worth all those tears that won't go away
I wish you could see that
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen
Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe
And now you've grown up
With this notion that you were to blame
And you seem so strong sometimes
But I know that you still feel the same
As that little girl who shined like an angel
Even after his lazy heart put you through hell
I wish you could see that
Still you try to impress him
But he never will listen
Oh broken angel
Were you sad when he crushed all your dreams?
Oh broken angel
Inside you're dying 'cause you can't believe
He would leave you alone
And leave you so cold
When you were his daughter
But the blood in your veins
As you carry his name
Turns thinner than water
You're just a broken angel
And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault
And I promise that it's not your fault
It was never your fault. ..
Broken Angel by Boyce Avenue
Friday, November 12, 2010
Currywurst and Nudie Cards
So being the immature person I am, I've been laughing all evening about a pack of nudie cards I bought in Kehl for a friend. No, that is not code speak to hide that I bought it for myself. I may go back and buy some for myself, but for now, I'm just buying them as gifts. Hahaha! I've had a few more requests, and thank god they're cheap. Hahahaha!
But today over all was a good day. Hung out with Melinda for the afternoon, and had fun introducing her to Currywurst, doing some shopping, and laughing about the nudie cards (she got the male pack, which was a riot to look through). I've got about 3 other people I want to buy a pack for to send home, INCLUDING Brandon's dad. HAHA! I'm really thrilled about one of my purchases today, too, excluding the nudie cards (I'm sorry I'm immature :P). I found a t-shirt I REALLY liked which says "hoffnungslos romantisch" (hopeless romantic) and it was marked 9,99. Well, I said, I'll suck it up and buy it. Splurge. And, I LOVE my t-shirts with funny/snarky/quirky/cute sayings on them. So I get to the register to pay, and guess what? It rings up 4,99! WIN! I was so happy. :D
And I was proud of myself for playing interpreter today. Makes up for forgetting "daraus" last weekend when I was there. Loverly, eh? But I made it through Kehl today, not having to switch to French or English. Definitely an accomplishment. Makes me feel better about having spent 3 years learning the language, and being able to understand more than Rammstein.
So yeah I was planning on writing more, but I REALLY gotta go finish this damn paper. I've been up all night, trudging my way through it (I took a nap earlier, so I have had SOME sleep) so I may as well try and finish. If not, I'm getting my butt up Sunday morning to finish. hahaha! I'm going to a concert with Melinda tonight, so yeah, looks like Sunday before 5 gotta get this done. Lovely. >.<
<3Erika
But today over all was a good day. Hung out with Melinda for the afternoon, and had fun introducing her to Currywurst, doing some shopping, and laughing about the nudie cards (she got the male pack, which was a riot to look through). I've got about 3 other people I want to buy a pack for to send home, INCLUDING Brandon's dad. HAHA! I'm really thrilled about one of my purchases today, too, excluding the nudie cards (I'm sorry I'm immature :P). I found a t-shirt I REALLY liked which says "hoffnungslos romantisch" (hopeless romantic) and it was marked 9,99. Well, I said, I'll suck it up and buy it. Splurge. And, I LOVE my t-shirts with funny/snarky/quirky/cute sayings on them. So I get to the register to pay, and guess what? It rings up 4,99! WIN! I was so happy. :D
And I was proud of myself for playing interpreter today. Makes up for forgetting "daraus" last weekend when I was there. Loverly, eh? But I made it through Kehl today, not having to switch to French or English. Definitely an accomplishment. Makes me feel better about having spent 3 years learning the language, and being able to understand more than Rammstein.
So yeah I was planning on writing more, but I REALLY gotta go finish this damn paper. I've been up all night, trudging my way through it (I took a nap earlier, so I have had SOME sleep) so I may as well try and finish. If not, I'm getting my butt up Sunday morning to finish. hahaha! I'm going to a concert with Melinda tonight, so yeah, looks like Sunday before 5 gotta get this done. Lovely. >.<
<3Erika
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A year ago
Ich allein schlag meine Brücke,
bis sie mich hält und auf kein Schicksal baut
Es werde Licht
In allen Welten, wo der Nacht vor dem Tag anbricht
Und die Geier kreisen unendlich
Licht in dir, es werde Licht
(I alone build this bridge
Until it's strong enough to hold me, Fate did little
It gets better
In all the world, where the night is darkest before daybreak
And the vultures circle endlessly overhead
There's a light in you, and it will get better)
"Es werde Licht" by Acht (English translation done by me)
I remember November 9, 2009 very vividly. I had gotten home the night before, late, avoiding my father's house for a week after calling the cops on him. Friends wouldn't let me go home, for fear of me getting hurt due to his rage at me (and yeah, I called the cops on him...he would be pissed). I hid out mainly with Beth and Brandon, even went to see Gwar on the 5th. I think everyone was on pins and needles that week, though we all hid it well. Everyone at school knew what happened, everyone I worked with knew what happened, and that was fine. I was very open about it.
So the next morning, in getting ready to go to school, my dad obviously comes and tries to talk to me. No matter how much I tried to reason or explain at least my end of the bargain, I was met with him screaming and shouting, not to mention I had a HUGE German project I had to present that day, and I was trying to get out of the house early to get to school to prepare (and I had a 20 minute walk to get there. Now I know here in Europe that's nothing, in the US though? hahaha yeah that's just cruel and unusual XD). So my dad totally threw off my day.
I don't remember EVERYTHING that was said, though I remember details like what I was wearing, and whatnot, and that it was the last pretty fall day we had, but there is one part I remember in great detail. I mentioned this credit card thing (mind you I got sued over the summer, and was still livid about that), and how it wasn't getting paid. The conversation went as follows:
"So why won't you pay it when you said you would, if I let you use the card?"
"Because credit card companies are evil, and don't deserve my money." (referring to student loans and grants, and paychecks and other money I, my brother, and Debbie brought in)
*smirk* "You mean my money?"
"Your money? I'm the one who fills out the paperwork for it, therefore it's mine." (So what's the logic behind the paychecks everyone else went out and earned?)
Something else was said, this bit I forget, but somehow I mentioned my friends being there for me, and my dad went on his rant and rave about how family is there for you, friends aren't, because friends won't give you money, or when you need them, they just drop you and forget about you. I argued that mine weren't like that.
"Well if your friends are so great, why don't you just go live with them?!"
"Fine, I will."
I got on my computer, in tears, talked to Beth, told her what happened. She called her mom right then, asked if I could be put on their phone plan (which her mom covered until I got my school money in). A few weeks before, Brandon helped me sneak behind my dad's back, and get a bank account and my learner's permit (AND I STILL CAN'T DRIVE GRRR!), and all my paychecks were set up to direct deposit there (if I hadn't put them on my Macy's credit card I had at the time to hide them). I left for school soon thereafter, crying my eyes out, and went by Beth's dorm. Brandon happened to have to be on campus that day too, and both of them came out and met me, the crying, screaming mess that I was, and both of them were there to hug me and tell me it was ok. I'd be ok, and as much as I hurt, and as angry as I was, I'd soon realize that was the best thing that would happen to me.
I got through the day, talked to Dr. Roberts (my German prof), about what happened, trying not to break down again in his office (last thing he needed was an emotional twentysomething in his office when his wife was due to go into labor any day), and he was gracious and let me have one more class session til I could present. He gave me info to the on campus counselor, so I could go talk to someone, and get help. I headed to that office as soon as I left his.
After school, Brandon came to get me, and took me to Beth's dorm. I ditched everything but my cellphone and my house keys at her place, and left for dad's. I was still angry, and crying, but I sucked it up and walked in. Dad tried to greet me like nothing had happened. What did he expect? For the daughter he raised to be strong, independent, and to never rely on a man, to come crawling back sobbing about wanting daddy's forgiveness? Take me back daddy, I was wrong to question you taking advantage of my love for you, and exploiting what meager income I have! Hell no. I waltzed down to my room, packed a big blue suitcase with everything I could (I honestly can't remember if Brandon was with me at this point or not...I think he was, because at one point, I recall him grabbing one of the pictures I have of my mom, framed and said, "I don't think you want to forget your mom."), and hauled it back up my stairs and out the door. I never looked back.
My dad always said I'd never make it without him. Well daddy, I've managed myself now, over the last year, in 2 foreign countries using 3 languages. I had friends who DID make sure I was taken care of--buying me food, helping me do laundry, letting me crash on couches, letting me stay as long as I needed without paying a dime--and I've done what any normal kid my age does: paying rent, managing my money (I've never been good at that but I'm trying), learning how to get myself around, and all that. And I got the one thing I've dreamed of my whole entire life. Would I have had that had I stayed home, though my dad promised it? No. I would've been paying him every last dime I made, living in a basement, with no life, no friends, and no second chance at what Brandon and I have. But now, I'm free. I'm living my life on my own terms, and being my own person. He can tell you all he wants that I'm evil, and my brother can spout lies about me not caring one damn about my biological mom. Let them. People only resort to things like that when they have nothing else they can say. And, that being the case, that must mean I'm one damn awesome person, with a hell of a lot of potential, and I must care about my mom, my friends, and the extended family that's welcomed me right back in.
bis sie mich hält und auf kein Schicksal baut
Es werde Licht
In allen Welten, wo der Nacht vor dem Tag anbricht
Und die Geier kreisen unendlich
Licht in dir, es werde Licht
(I alone build this bridge
Until it's strong enough to hold me, Fate did little
It gets better
In all the world, where the night is darkest before daybreak
And the vultures circle endlessly overhead
There's a light in you, and it will get better)
"Es werde Licht" by Acht (English translation done by me)
I remember November 9, 2009 very vividly. I had gotten home the night before, late, avoiding my father's house for a week after calling the cops on him. Friends wouldn't let me go home, for fear of me getting hurt due to his rage at me (and yeah, I called the cops on him...he would be pissed). I hid out mainly with Beth and Brandon, even went to see Gwar on the 5th. I think everyone was on pins and needles that week, though we all hid it well. Everyone at school knew what happened, everyone I worked with knew what happened, and that was fine. I was very open about it.
So the next morning, in getting ready to go to school, my dad obviously comes and tries to talk to me. No matter how much I tried to reason or explain at least my end of the bargain, I was met with him screaming and shouting, not to mention I had a HUGE German project I had to present that day, and I was trying to get out of the house early to get to school to prepare (and I had a 20 minute walk to get there. Now I know here in Europe that's nothing, in the US though? hahaha yeah that's just cruel and unusual XD). So my dad totally threw off my day.
I don't remember EVERYTHING that was said, though I remember details like what I was wearing, and whatnot, and that it was the last pretty fall day we had, but there is one part I remember in great detail. I mentioned this credit card thing (mind you I got sued over the summer, and was still livid about that), and how it wasn't getting paid. The conversation went as follows:
"So why won't you pay it when you said you would, if I let you use the card?"
"Because credit card companies are evil, and don't deserve my money." (referring to student loans and grants, and paychecks and other money I, my brother, and Debbie brought in)
*smirk* "You mean my money?"
"Your money? I'm the one who fills out the paperwork for it, therefore it's mine." (So what's the logic behind the paychecks everyone else went out and earned?)
Something else was said, this bit I forget, but somehow I mentioned my friends being there for me, and my dad went on his rant and rave about how family is there for you, friends aren't, because friends won't give you money, or when you need them, they just drop you and forget about you. I argued that mine weren't like that.
"Well if your friends are so great, why don't you just go live with them?!"
"Fine, I will."
I got on my computer, in tears, talked to Beth, told her what happened. She called her mom right then, asked if I could be put on their phone plan (which her mom covered until I got my school money in). A few weeks before, Brandon helped me sneak behind my dad's back, and get a bank account and my learner's permit (AND I STILL CAN'T DRIVE GRRR!), and all my paychecks were set up to direct deposit there (if I hadn't put them on my Macy's credit card I had at the time to hide them). I left for school soon thereafter, crying my eyes out, and went by Beth's dorm. Brandon happened to have to be on campus that day too, and both of them came out and met me, the crying, screaming mess that I was, and both of them were there to hug me and tell me it was ok. I'd be ok, and as much as I hurt, and as angry as I was, I'd soon realize that was the best thing that would happen to me.
I got through the day, talked to Dr. Roberts (my German prof), about what happened, trying not to break down again in his office (last thing he needed was an emotional twentysomething in his office when his wife was due to go into labor any day), and he was gracious and let me have one more class session til I could present. He gave me info to the on campus counselor, so I could go talk to someone, and get help. I headed to that office as soon as I left his.
After school, Brandon came to get me, and took me to Beth's dorm. I ditched everything but my cellphone and my house keys at her place, and left for dad's. I was still angry, and crying, but I sucked it up and walked in. Dad tried to greet me like nothing had happened. What did he expect? For the daughter he raised to be strong, independent, and to never rely on a man, to come crawling back sobbing about wanting daddy's forgiveness? Take me back daddy, I was wrong to question you taking advantage of my love for you, and exploiting what meager income I have! Hell no. I waltzed down to my room, packed a big blue suitcase with everything I could (I honestly can't remember if Brandon was with me at this point or not...I think he was, because at one point, I recall him grabbing one of the pictures I have of my mom, framed and said, "I don't think you want to forget your mom."), and hauled it back up my stairs and out the door. I never looked back.
My dad always said I'd never make it without him. Well daddy, I've managed myself now, over the last year, in 2 foreign countries using 3 languages. I had friends who DID make sure I was taken care of--buying me food, helping me do laundry, letting me crash on couches, letting me stay as long as I needed without paying a dime--and I've done what any normal kid my age does: paying rent, managing my money (I've never been good at that but I'm trying), learning how to get myself around, and all that. And I got the one thing I've dreamed of my whole entire life. Would I have had that had I stayed home, though my dad promised it? No. I would've been paying him every last dime I made, living in a basement, with no life, no friends, and no second chance at what Brandon and I have. But now, I'm free. I'm living my life on my own terms, and being my own person. He can tell you all he wants that I'm evil, and my brother can spout lies about me not caring one damn about my biological mom. Let them. People only resort to things like that when they have nothing else they can say. And, that being the case, that must mean I'm one damn awesome person, with a hell of a lot of potential, and I must care about my mom, my friends, and the extended family that's welcomed me right back in.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Well this week was a wash
That's really how I feel about post-Toussaint. Classes canceled, or rescheduled, me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, not knowing where to go, wasting time doing my hair and makeup, getting woke up by a wrong number (hahaha I was surprised I even remembered to speak French), just ugh.
Now, I wouldn't call it a BAD week, but it wasn't the best either. And then this week we get Armistice Day off. Huh? We just got a week off. Kinda like a few years ago when we had 3 weeks for Christmas Break, came back, and that week we got MLK Day off. Totally pointless. Ah well, it's a day where I can just hang out in my room, or go to Kehl, or do something other than worry about if I'm taking enough notes.
Speaking of Kehl, I was there twice this weekend. Why? Because I can. Though my phone decides it wants to go INSANE texting me about this that and the other info about operating outside of France. Anyway, I think it's funny I've spent more time, effort, and money exploring Germany instead of France. Haha! Well, the spending habits I've had this semester haven't aided me exploring, at all. And this job I'm supposed to have is driving me nuts now. I REALLY would like to get started working...because I need some sort of income. I really do. And in France, unlike the US, being multilingual is VERY lucrative (especially when your native language is English), so I've found out. But, the French don't think they're the center of the universe either. ;)
I have a good friend, Amy, I've known online now for a few years, thanks to Cinema Bizarre (I meet more people, thanks to music, than through anything else), and she lives outside of Paris. I've been texting her a lot lately, which really makes me feel good, as it's nice knowing I have people here I can talk to. Another online friend had a sister who had an au pair from Dijon at one point, and she put me in touch with this girl, and her sister. So I'm trying to meet and talk to locals, even if they're not in Strasbourg. ;)
OH! Funniest thing ever! I'm out walking, not too far from the Ill River, and I kid you not, I pass a bar called "The Indiana." Wonder what people would say if I went in, showed them my ID, and was like "Non, je viens d'Indiana. Je ne ments pas!" (No, I come from Indiana, I'm not lying!) So when I passed this little fact by Tom, apparently there's one in Paris too? Talk about awesome! Hahaha! A little bit of home...
NOW, if they play bad country music, and everyone walks around like a bunch of hicks, then it'll REALLY be like home.
Ok anyway, bad stab at Indiana (I think most of you know how much I hate that place). But speaking of home, I was out walking a few nights ago (prolly close to a week ago) and I found/passed the US consulate here in Strasbourg. Now, I had known where it was, but it was one of those places I'd never really gone by and took it in. I was walking at night, sometime well after 8. So of course everything is closed, and it's progressing into night life traffic. I was trying to explore the area past L'Eglise St. Paul, just because aside from the bateau mouche I was on, I haven't been out that way (correction: one time I took the wrong train and ended up out by the European Parliament which is passed the church). Of course, there's the US Consulate, with the lights shining on the seal of the US, and the Stars and Stripes. I stopped and looked at the flag, and I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, I looked on that flag with pride. Not even in all the military-styled flag raising/lowering ceremonies I was in as a kid, or even the flag burning ceremony I saw once as a kid (yes for the record, there is a proper way to burn a flag. It's akin to a funeral or burial, and you can ONLY do it when the flag is absolutely tattered. It's a measure of respect, and it's almost as sacred as taking communion is to most Christians) did I ever look on the flag with any kind of affection as I did then.
Now, if you know me, you know how hugely critical I am of the States. And not because I hate my homeland, I don't, not at all really. I'm critical because in my opinion, America really COULD be the "great" country they lead the rest of the world to believe they are, taking care of their own, helping the world, and being an example of technological and social progress that we were, for quite a good time there. Yet, we roll around in filth and depravity. It frustrates me to no end. Anyway, before I digress any further, even with feelings like I just stated, I was still proud to look at that flag for a moment, and felt a sense of familiarity. Kind of like, no matter how far from home I am, no matter how far away my language, the familiarity, even the memories of my mom may be, I'm not THAT far away at all. Just like that flag was, it's not like bits and pieces of home haven't followed me here. And no, I don't mean the debt my dad caused me. I mean things like souvenirs of my mother, my Jared Padalecki cup, my beloved Princess blanket, Little Mari and the Tiger Toy, and The Giving Tree.
When I was a kid, I LOVED the American Girl Series (for you non-Americans who may be reading this check it <3). One of the characters, Kirsten (who I LOVED, and was the first doll I got), left Sweden for Minnesota in the 1850's. The beginning of the first book is her talking about being lonely, and not having her grandma with her. Her grandma told her something to the effect of, "Whenever you get lonely, look at the moon, and remember I'm looking at the very same moon you are." The first time I thought of that phrase, after getting to Strasbourg, I bawled my eyes out. But now, when I think of it, it's true. The same sun, and the same moon, shine everywhere in the world, at one time or another. Guess things like that do make the world seem (in a good way) like a smaller place. <3
Now, I wouldn't call it a BAD week, but it wasn't the best either. And then this week we get Armistice Day off. Huh? We just got a week off. Kinda like a few years ago when we had 3 weeks for Christmas Break, came back, and that week we got MLK Day off. Totally pointless. Ah well, it's a day where I can just hang out in my room, or go to Kehl, or do something other than worry about if I'm taking enough notes.
Speaking of Kehl, I was there twice this weekend. Why? Because I can. Though my phone decides it wants to go INSANE texting me about this that and the other info about operating outside of France. Anyway, I think it's funny I've spent more time, effort, and money exploring Germany instead of France. Haha! Well, the spending habits I've had this semester haven't aided me exploring, at all. And this job I'm supposed to have is driving me nuts now. I REALLY would like to get started working...because I need some sort of income. I really do. And in France, unlike the US, being multilingual is VERY lucrative (especially when your native language is English), so I've found out. But, the French don't think they're the center of the universe either. ;)
I have a good friend, Amy, I've known online now for a few years, thanks to Cinema Bizarre (I meet more people, thanks to music, than through anything else), and she lives outside of Paris. I've been texting her a lot lately, which really makes me feel good, as it's nice knowing I have people here I can talk to. Another online friend had a sister who had an au pair from Dijon at one point, and she put me in touch with this girl, and her sister. So I'm trying to meet and talk to locals, even if they're not in Strasbourg. ;)
OH! Funniest thing ever! I'm out walking, not too far from the Ill River, and I kid you not, I pass a bar called "The Indiana." Wonder what people would say if I went in, showed them my ID, and was like "Non, je viens d'Indiana. Je ne ments pas!" (No, I come from Indiana, I'm not lying!) So when I passed this little fact by Tom, apparently there's one in Paris too? Talk about awesome! Hahaha! A little bit of home...
NOW, if they play bad country music, and everyone walks around like a bunch of hicks, then it'll REALLY be like home.
Ok anyway, bad stab at Indiana (I think most of you know how much I hate that place). But speaking of home, I was out walking a few nights ago (prolly close to a week ago) and I found/passed the US consulate here in Strasbourg. Now, I had known where it was, but it was one of those places I'd never really gone by and took it in. I was walking at night, sometime well after 8. So of course everything is closed, and it's progressing into night life traffic. I was trying to explore the area past L'Eglise St. Paul, just because aside from the bateau mouche I was on, I haven't been out that way (correction: one time I took the wrong train and ended up out by the European Parliament which is passed the church). Of course, there's the US Consulate, with the lights shining on the seal of the US, and the Stars and Stripes. I stopped and looked at the flag, and I can honestly say, for the first time in my life, I looked on that flag with pride. Not even in all the military-styled flag raising/lowering ceremonies I was in as a kid, or even the flag burning ceremony I saw once as a kid (yes for the record, there is a proper way to burn a flag. It's akin to a funeral or burial, and you can ONLY do it when the flag is absolutely tattered. It's a measure of respect, and it's almost as sacred as taking communion is to most Christians) did I ever look on the flag with any kind of affection as I did then.
Now, if you know me, you know how hugely critical I am of the States. And not because I hate my homeland, I don't, not at all really. I'm critical because in my opinion, America really COULD be the "great" country they lead the rest of the world to believe they are, taking care of their own, helping the world, and being an example of technological and social progress that we were, for quite a good time there. Yet, we roll around in filth and depravity. It frustrates me to no end. Anyway, before I digress any further, even with feelings like I just stated, I was still proud to look at that flag for a moment, and felt a sense of familiarity. Kind of like, no matter how far from home I am, no matter how far away my language, the familiarity, even the memories of my mom may be, I'm not THAT far away at all. Just like that flag was, it's not like bits and pieces of home haven't followed me here. And no, I don't mean the debt my dad caused me. I mean things like souvenirs of my mother, my Jared Padalecki cup, my beloved Princess blanket, Little Mari and the Tiger Toy, and The Giving Tree.
When I was a kid, I LOVED the American Girl Series (for you non-Americans who may be reading this check it <3). One of the characters, Kirsten (who I LOVED, and was the first doll I got), left Sweden for Minnesota in the 1850's. The beginning of the first book is her talking about being lonely, and not having her grandma with her. Her grandma told her something to the effect of, "Whenever you get lonely, look at the moon, and remember I'm looking at the very same moon you are." The first time I thought of that phrase, after getting to Strasbourg, I bawled my eyes out. But now, when I think of it, it's true. The same sun, and the same moon, shine everywhere in the world, at one time or another. Guess things like that do make the world seem (in a good way) like a smaller place. <3
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Living on Purpose
Well, it's 20-til-1, and I should be in bed as I have an 8 am class (yuck), but I've been meaning to write this blog all day, and just haven't.
I'm not as religious as I used to be (or should I say I'm not religious in the same way that I was), but the idea of "living on purpose" that gets passed around Christian circles has something to be said for it. Christian or not, we are here only once, and we'd better make the best of it. "Living on purpose" to me means having a goal, a vision, a desire, whatever, for life, and going for it. Instead of letting the day happen to you, you happen to the day. I can stand by that.
Over the last several years, I've done a lot of "analyzing" when it comes to my family. Probably to the point, a lot of the time, of "What if..." and beating myself up with every answer I came to. I told my dad several times, even before shit hit the fan, I felt my brother and I were his biggest mistakes. He said he felt otherwise, which ok fine, but I never changed my mind.
For those of you who don't know my dad, or anything about him, he's had these huge dreams of having a successful recording studio, and being a musician, blah blah blah all his life. He started building an in-home studio when I was 7, and it's been growing ever since. He tried going back to school for music, and other such business. Without going into all the negative that he heaped on me to be able to do that, the point is, it was obviously what he wanted. His studio was professional grade, and quite massive (and why I have a ton of debt now, and got sued by a credit card company).
However, instead of packing up his 12-string guitar and heading out to California upon college graduation, what'd he do? He got married to my mother, at 23, and went to go work as a teacher. After that he was a manager in a building supply store before hurting himself on the job when I was...I think 9. Soon after my mom got sick, and when I was 14 she died, so my dad spent a chunk of his life being a caretaker, and nothing else. Then he FINALLY decided to pursue his dreams, but yet, his time has passed. No matter how he treated me, his time is come and gone, sadly.
It goes even further back than that. Looking at my grandparents, and their story, I realize my existence is an even bigger mistake. My grandpa probably never should've never married my grandma. I'm not slamming on either of them, but the stories my dad told of how bad their marriage was, and the fact my grandpa did run around on my grandma, eventually getting another woman pregnant, says a lot to me. It doesn't mean I look down on my grandpa. I don't...if nothing else it's not my place to judge. But, he's now been with the 'other woman' for 40 years. That says something...a lot of somethings.
So seeing all of this I've come to one conclusion: my existence is nothing but a mistake. Mistake after mistake was made, until I wound up being born. And no, not mistake as in "whoops guess who's pregnant...SURPRISE!" No,my parents were trying for a baby. But my dad never should've been trying for a baby with my mom. My dad should've been trying to record an album in LA, and make his big break. But then, you could say my grandpa never should've married my grandma in the first place. that changes 2 generations of the York-Bruton-White-Wilson families. But, that's not how it happened. The writing's on the wall, and here I am.
So what am I supposed to do with this idea, even if it is just in my own head? I know what a lot of people will say: "God doesn't make mistakes." In the idea of God, fate, destiny, whateveryousodesiretocalltheforcesthatgoverntheworld, yes, you may very well be right. As accidental as my existence seems to me, in a much bigger sense, there could be nothing mistake about me being here. But in my narrow scope of things, it's a mistake. One big, giant fuck up. Lives were ruined so I could exist. And that brings me back to my question: what do I do about it?
The answer really is this simple: Live on purpose. And I don't just put the religious twist on it. It's about going out, and really LIVING. I'm here now, and if people had to screw up so it would happen, then I WON'T be the screw up. I WON'T screw it up for myself. Sure, we make mistakes, but that's different than ruining my life, and not going for that which I want out of life. I wouldn't be honoring where I came from, if I did any less. No matter what the relationship with my dad was, if he was going to screw up his life, to have me, then I'd better make the best of this. Which is why I came to France, and blew money on going to Stuttgart, and why I've spent money on silly crap rather than being practical, or why I walk around this city as much as I can, and enjoy being a hop skip and a jump from Deutschland. I've decided that I WILL for sure, live on purpose. I'm going to break the chain my family started, and make it better for at least a generation or 2. ;)
<3Eri
I'm not as religious as I used to be (or should I say I'm not religious in the same way that I was), but the idea of "living on purpose" that gets passed around Christian circles has something to be said for it. Christian or not, we are here only once, and we'd better make the best of it. "Living on purpose" to me means having a goal, a vision, a desire, whatever, for life, and going for it. Instead of letting the day happen to you, you happen to the day. I can stand by that.
Over the last several years, I've done a lot of "analyzing" when it comes to my family. Probably to the point, a lot of the time, of "What if..." and beating myself up with every answer I came to. I told my dad several times, even before shit hit the fan, I felt my brother and I were his biggest mistakes. He said he felt otherwise, which ok fine, but I never changed my mind.
For those of you who don't know my dad, or anything about him, he's had these huge dreams of having a successful recording studio, and being a musician, blah blah blah all his life. He started building an in-home studio when I was 7, and it's been growing ever since. He tried going back to school for music, and other such business. Without going into all the negative that he heaped on me to be able to do that, the point is, it was obviously what he wanted. His studio was professional grade, and quite massive (and why I have a ton of debt now, and got sued by a credit card company).
However, instead of packing up his 12-string guitar and heading out to California upon college graduation, what'd he do? He got married to my mother, at 23, and went to go work as a teacher. After that he was a manager in a building supply store before hurting himself on the job when I was...I think 9. Soon after my mom got sick, and when I was 14 she died, so my dad spent a chunk of his life being a caretaker, and nothing else. Then he FINALLY decided to pursue his dreams, but yet, his time has passed. No matter how he treated me, his time is come and gone, sadly.
It goes even further back than that. Looking at my grandparents, and their story, I realize my existence is an even bigger mistake. My grandpa probably never should've never married my grandma. I'm not slamming on either of them, but the stories my dad told of how bad their marriage was, and the fact my grandpa did run around on my grandma, eventually getting another woman pregnant, says a lot to me. It doesn't mean I look down on my grandpa. I don't...if nothing else it's not my place to judge. But, he's now been with the 'other woman' for 40 years. That says something...a lot of somethings.
So seeing all of this I've come to one conclusion: my existence is nothing but a mistake. Mistake after mistake was made, until I wound up being born. And no, not mistake as in "whoops guess who's pregnant...SURPRISE!" No,my parents were trying for a baby. But my dad never should've been trying for a baby with my mom. My dad should've been trying to record an album in LA, and make his big break. But then, you could say my grandpa never should've married my grandma in the first place. that changes 2 generations of the York-Bruton-White-Wilson families. But, that's not how it happened. The writing's on the wall, and here I am.
So what am I supposed to do with this idea, even if it is just in my own head? I know what a lot of people will say: "God doesn't make mistakes." In the idea of God, fate, destiny, whateveryousodesiretocalltheforcesthatgoverntheworld, yes, you may very well be right. As accidental as my existence seems to me, in a much bigger sense, there could be nothing mistake about me being here. But in my narrow scope of things, it's a mistake. One big, giant fuck up. Lives were ruined so I could exist. And that brings me back to my question: what do I do about it?
The answer really is this simple: Live on purpose. And I don't just put the religious twist on it. It's about going out, and really LIVING. I'm here now, and if people had to screw up so it would happen, then I WON'T be the screw up. I WON'T screw it up for myself. Sure, we make mistakes, but that's different than ruining my life, and not going for that which I want out of life. I wouldn't be honoring where I came from, if I did any less. No matter what the relationship with my dad was, if he was going to screw up his life, to have me, then I'd better make the best of this. Which is why I came to France, and blew money on going to Stuttgart, and why I've spent money on silly crap rather than being practical, or why I walk around this city as much as I can, and enjoy being a hop skip and a jump from Deutschland. I've decided that I WILL for sure, live on purpose. I'm going to break the chain my family started, and make it better for at least a generation or 2. ;)
<3Eri
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Pick-Me-Up
It's the end of les vacances. Ugh. But of course, all good things must eventually come to an end.
I spent today hanging out with Melinda, after she got back in from Leeds. So we swapped stories of going to Leeds and Stuttgart. As I was talking about Acht, I let her borrow the CDs I bought to rip, and then we got to talking about Gil, and his career back in the 90's.Then of course we proceeded to go on and laugh at all the bad pop music we listened to in the late 90's. HAHAHA! Good times. I never realized how baby faced Gil was back in the day! Hahahaha! And of course, that lead to us laughing at all the baiting and hooking that was done in those videos (I openly admit that I fell for the cheesiness of it all), and then being astonished at how a few were actually pretty awesome.
Of course, that lead to "Out Of My Bed (Still In My Head)" by Gil being a whole new inside joke. Haha! Not like I didn't run down the street yelling that song in some horribly off key voice. Even better that it's in France. XD
I mean come on, a heartthrob German singer, running through the halls of a hotel, bitching and yelling at everyone, throwing his girlfriend out of the room, and fooling around in an elevator? What's not to love? XD God I miss being 14 sometimes...
Out of my bed, but you're still in my head, I want you to know that I won't let you go!
It's been a good end to the vacation. Sure Monday is a "jour fériée" (public holiday) and I have no school on Tuesday (SCORE!), but I definitely have to get some kind of homework done over the next few days. I have a presentation on Thursday I have to finish taking notes for. After all the presentations I did last year in French and German, I'm not too worried about having to present in another language. I just got to make sure I write everything the teacher wants.
Anyway, I had better head out now.
<3Eri
P.S. Isn't happy Eri-kat so much more fun? XD
I spent today hanging out with Melinda, after she got back in from Leeds. So we swapped stories of going to Leeds and Stuttgart. As I was talking about Acht, I let her borrow the CDs I bought to rip, and then we got to talking about Gil, and his career back in the 90's.Then of course we proceeded to go on and laugh at all the bad pop music we listened to in the late 90's. HAHAHA! Good times. I never realized how baby faced Gil was back in the day! Hahahaha! And of course, that lead to us laughing at all the baiting and hooking that was done in those videos (I openly admit that I fell for the cheesiness of it all), and then being astonished at how a few were actually pretty awesome.
Of course, that lead to "Out Of My Bed (Still In My Head)" by Gil being a whole new inside joke. Haha! Not like I didn't run down the street yelling that song in some horribly off key voice. Even better that it's in France. XD
I mean come on, a heartthrob German singer, running through the halls of a hotel, bitching and yelling at everyone, throwing his girlfriend out of the room, and fooling around in an elevator? What's not to love? XD God I miss being 14 sometimes...
Out of my bed, but you're still in my head, I want you to know that I won't let you go!
It's been a good end to the vacation. Sure Monday is a "jour fériée" (public holiday) and I have no school on Tuesday (SCORE!), but I definitely have to get some kind of homework done over the next few days. I have a presentation on Thursday I have to finish taking notes for. After all the presentations I did last year in French and German, I'm not too worried about having to present in another language. I just got to make sure I write everything the teacher wants.
Anyway, I had better head out now.
<3Eri
P.S. Isn't happy Eri-kat so much more fun? XD
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Nein niemand ist dabei, wenn ich in meine stille schrei
So I'm terrible at being alone. Absolutely terrible at it. Which is really funny as it seems most of the time I'm alone, my phone is dead silent most of the day (hahaha both of them XD). I'm a fiercely independent person, and hate being held down by groups, or whatever you want to say. I like being on my own, a lot of the time, but not all of it.
I was ok doing the Stuttgart thing alone, because I've never really had any friends who held the same interest in Gil Ofarim I've had, nor do I have any friends here who are a fan. So hey cool trip it to Germany on my own. Even initially exploring around here, I was cool doing it on my own. I like doing things like that at my own pace, and then I'll ask questions as I go.
But today--well not just today really, but it happened today--I was just out and about, walking around. Didn't really have anywhere to go, or anything to do, was just wandering around. Made my way to the cathedral, just because i like it there, and places like that give me a sense of comfort. Why, I don't know, but anyway, I went in, put a euro in an offering box, and lit a candle for my mom. After the night I had what was it...Thursday? I don't remember, it just felt like a good idea, I guess a way of saying "I wish you could see me now, Mom."
So after that, I sit down in the main sanctuary, and just look up at the altar, thinking, feeling, whatever. I guess you could say I was "having a moment." Of course, I start crying (surprise anyone? XD). And this is the moment where I find out that I suck at being alone.
The whole time, I found myself wishing Brandon was there, holding my hand, or sharing it with me. I would always go off on this tangent, whenever he asked what I was doing with him, instead of off running around all over God's green earth, on why I stuck around. Call me an idealist, but I'm big into the thought of having someone to share life's highs and lows with. I mean, I dunno, to me life is only half way worthwhile if you're all alone. And I feel alone...ALL alone.
I was reading Gone With the Wind today (once again, is anyone surprised? haha!) and I came across a description of Scarlett that I felt on par with.
"Why, she had never had to do a thing for herself in all her life. There had always been someone to do things for her, to look after her, shelter and protect her and spoil her. It was incredible that she could be in such a fix. Not a friend, not a neighbor, to help her. There had always been friends, neighbors, the competent hands of willing slaves. And now in this hour of greatest need, there was no one. It was incredible that she could be so completely alone, and frightened , and far from home."
Now, I don't see myself as spoiled, per se, and God knows I've had to pick myself up by my boot straps time and time again to get through things, but the thing is, I've never been at it alone. There was always someone there, helping me, holding me, loving me, caring for me, handing me a damn box of tissues and reminding me to be careful else I'd smear my makeup. You ever tried to keep this much black makeup from running by yourself? Haha! It's hard! But no, my point is, I've always had people with me. No matter how damn bad it got, there was someone there. And now, it's hard doing it on my own. I've never had to do it on my own.
But I guess that's half of why I signed up for this, as much as it may suck sometimes. I need to be able to function on my own. Unlike the Antebellum South, where women never had to do anything for themselves, and were expected to marry, and to have a man do things for them, that's not the reality anymore. And I wanted to be a woman that could stand on her own, not to have to ask, Daddy, Boyfriend, or Best Friend(s) to do things for her. And in a lot of ways, I feel myself "getting stronger" so to speak, as in taking care of day to day living, but emotionally? I haven't been alone one day of my life, and now all of a sudden, I am. And I hate it. I effing hate it. However, part of me REALLY feels like Scarlett after Melly gave birth, and Rhett finally shows up with his horse and carriage. As she flings herself into his arms, all she can say is:
"Rhett? Rhett? Is that you Rhett? Oh thank goodness you've come!"
I was ok doing the Stuttgart thing alone, because I've never really had any friends who held the same interest in Gil Ofarim I've had, nor do I have any friends here who are a fan. So hey cool trip it to Germany on my own. Even initially exploring around here, I was cool doing it on my own. I like doing things like that at my own pace, and then I'll ask questions as I go.
But today--well not just today really, but it happened today--I was just out and about, walking around. Didn't really have anywhere to go, or anything to do, was just wandering around. Made my way to the cathedral, just because i like it there, and places like that give me a sense of comfort. Why, I don't know, but anyway, I went in, put a euro in an offering box, and lit a candle for my mom. After the night I had what was it...Thursday? I don't remember, it just felt like a good idea, I guess a way of saying "I wish you could see me now, Mom."
So after that, I sit down in the main sanctuary, and just look up at the altar, thinking, feeling, whatever. I guess you could say I was "having a moment." Of course, I start crying (surprise anyone? XD). And this is the moment where I find out that I suck at being alone.
The whole time, I found myself wishing Brandon was there, holding my hand, or sharing it with me. I would always go off on this tangent, whenever he asked what I was doing with him, instead of off running around all over God's green earth, on why I stuck around. Call me an idealist, but I'm big into the thought of having someone to share life's highs and lows with. I mean, I dunno, to me life is only half way worthwhile if you're all alone. And I feel alone...ALL alone.
I was reading Gone With the Wind today (once again, is anyone surprised? haha!) and I came across a description of Scarlett that I felt on par with.
"Why, she had never had to do a thing for herself in all her life. There had always been someone to do things for her, to look after her, shelter and protect her and spoil her. It was incredible that she could be in such a fix. Not a friend, not a neighbor, to help her. There had always been friends, neighbors, the competent hands of willing slaves. And now in this hour of greatest need, there was no one. It was incredible that she could be so completely alone, and frightened , and far from home."
Now, I don't see myself as spoiled, per se, and God knows I've had to pick myself up by my boot straps time and time again to get through things, but the thing is, I've never been at it alone. There was always someone there, helping me, holding me, loving me, caring for me, handing me a damn box of tissues and reminding me to be careful else I'd smear my makeup. You ever tried to keep this much black makeup from running by yourself? Haha! It's hard! But no, my point is, I've always had people with me. No matter how damn bad it got, there was someone there. And now, it's hard doing it on my own. I've never had to do it on my own.
But I guess that's half of why I signed up for this, as much as it may suck sometimes. I need to be able to function on my own. Unlike the Antebellum South, where women never had to do anything for themselves, and were expected to marry, and to have a man do things for them, that's not the reality anymore. And I wanted to be a woman that could stand on her own, not to have to ask, Daddy, Boyfriend, or Best Friend(s) to do things for her. And in a lot of ways, I feel myself "getting stronger" so to speak, as in taking care of day to day living, but emotionally? I haven't been alone one day of my life, and now all of a sudden, I am. And I hate it. I effing hate it. However, part of me REALLY feels like Scarlett after Melly gave birth, and Rhett finally shows up with his horse and carriage. As she flings herself into his arms, all she can say is:
"Rhett? Rhett? Is that you Rhett? Oh thank goodness you've come!"
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Grief
Now this isn't something I ever counted on (though i probably should have).
Let me start by saying that I had a really good day today. I wanted to go hang down by the river, and read or write, but the part of the river I was wanting to hang at was closed off (which I don't get why as today was a beautiful day but I digress), so I headed a bit further down to Petite France and found a spot under a wonderful tree. I spread out the Princess Blanket, had Little Mari in my lap, and pulled out my journal to start writing, while going between Zoo Army and Acht (shut up, I'm obsessed, I know this, deal with it! XD).
I ended up writing a lot about my mom, some personal psycho analysis stuff, whatever, just got to thinking. I won't go into details, but a lot of it got to bothering me, big time.
That said, I call Debbie, and find out her middle daughter is being a huge, immature brat AGAIN, and yet once again, keep in mind I'm the bad one, though i hold no blood, genetic, or legal relation to Debbie, yet here I am picking up the burden once again.
Long story short, all this mother related stuff sent me into an all night break down. It's come and gone, for sure, but come more than gone. I've been bawling most of the night, and even when it calmed down, I was still fighting off tears. Basically it was one of my breakdowns that happens once every so often. It's been months since one came up (I'd say at least a good month before I left the US was the last one).
It's frustrating to see this, and know that I will never have another chance to call my mom. I will never have a chance to ask her for her advice. I will never have a chance to even hug her and say 'Love you mom, talk to you later.' There is no talk to you later, for me. There's a huge part of me I will NEVER be able to replace, and will never understand, because my mom isn't here. I've spent the last 10 years feeling like an incomplete person.
So on top of all this, this is the first major break down like this I've had, alone (did that make sense?). I've always had someone around, even at the worst ones (every year at Christmas, without fail, the one song that makes me think of my mom plays, and every year without fail, I run out of a store in tears, Brandon usually right on my heels). I just am so angry now, because the one person I can turn to now is really no more than a memory, and a few old photographs. I barely remember her voice, or watching her put on makeup before going to Worship on Sunday mornings, or her sitting at the table, talking to me over lunch. I don't even remember what my mom's favorite song was, or if she had one, or a favorite book, or even a favorite color. And don't even ask me if I remember her favorite Bible Verse, or days that were important to her. I couldn't tell you. All I can tell you is her name was Linda Kay Wilson York, she was born April 1, 1958, and everyone tells me to this day I look just like her. Beyond that, I don't know who my mother is. Or was.
So now I get to watch some ungrateful, selfish person treat their mother like this, and it makes me angry. I'd give anything to be able to give my mother a hug, yet a girl can't acknowledge her mother, because she's letting some stupid, angry boy poison her mind. She's letting some jerk turn her against her mother, and all I can do is stand by and watch, and be angry about what I'm missing out on.
It's times like these where I wish the alternate realities I made up for myself were real.
I ended up writing a lot about my mom, some personal psycho analysis stuff, whatever, just got to thinking. I won't go into details, but a lot of it got to bothering me, big time.
That said, I call Debbie, and find out her middle daughter is being a huge, immature brat AGAIN, and yet once again, keep in mind I'm the bad one, though i hold no blood, genetic, or legal relation to Debbie, yet here I am picking up the burden once again.
Long story short, all this mother related stuff sent me into an all night break down. It's come and gone, for sure, but come more than gone. I've been bawling most of the night, and even when it calmed down, I was still fighting off tears. Basically it was one of my breakdowns that happens once every so often. It's been months since one came up (I'd say at least a good month before I left the US was the last one).
So on top of all this, this is the first major break down like this I've had, alone (did that make sense?). I've always had someone around, even at the worst ones (every year at Christmas, without fail, the one song that makes me think of my mom plays, and every year without fail, I run out of a store in tears, Brandon usually right on my heels). I just am so angry now, because the one person I can turn to now is really no more than a memory, and a few old photographs. I barely remember her voice, or watching her put on makeup before going to Worship on Sunday mornings, or her sitting at the table, talking to me over lunch. I don't even remember what my mom's favorite song was, or if she had one, or a favorite book, or even a favorite color. And don't even ask me if I remember her favorite Bible Verse, or days that were important to her. I couldn't tell you. All I can tell you is her name was Linda Kay Wilson York, she was born April 1, 1958, and everyone tells me to this day I look just like her. Beyond that, I don't know who my mother is. Or was.
So now I get to watch some ungrateful, selfish person treat their mother like this, and it makes me angry. I'd give anything to be able to give my mother a hug, yet a girl can't acknowledge her mother, because she's letting some stupid, angry boy poison her mind. She's letting some jerk turn her against her mother, and all I can do is stand by and watch, and be angry about what I'm missing out on.
It's times like these where I wish the alternate realities I made up for myself were real.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Es Werde Licht
So going to Stuttgart was exactly what I needed. I was getting really burnt out and tired from school. Honestly, I feel like I'm in a new relationship, Strasbourg being my new lover, metaphorically. When you first start dating, it's all pretty and new and you're excited about everything. You're always kissing and holding hands and going on dates, wanting to show off how much you "love each other" and you swear up and down it'll be forever. You're together every day, and pout when it's time to go home.
But eventually, you get burnt out on each other, and the crazy explosive fights happen over nothing, and while the make up sex is great, you just turn around and fight 5 minutes later, and wonder if this is what you want because this is what you signed up for. Undoubtedly, something happens though, and reminds you just why you're in this relationship, and you're back to being happy and excited.
So I'm back to being happy and excited. And this week off is helping. I have a project the week after break, and then I have major catching up to do on my notes. Kinda sucks that I'm doing all this over break, but I'm also going to Colmar Thursday, so it's fair. And of course Stuttgart. I can't complain. :D
I got to looking through some of my profile pics on facebook, and I noticed something kind of...odd. Well maybe not odd, but well...
my older pics, it doesn't matter how "good" I looked in the picture, you can tell I felt, bogged down, tired, whatever. Doesn't matter how goofy and vivacious I get, or how much I laugh, I still was lacking something. I mean, with what my dad was doing, quelle surprise. I always felt trapped. As was pointed out just before I left, it was stay with my dad and tolerate his bullshit, or leave and get married. How many kinds of pre-Women's Lib screwed up is that? I mean no slam on Brandon when I say that, but seriously, that was my predicament. So I pursued waiting til I was 24, and could legally tell him to fuck off in every way shape and form I needed to, to be able to take care of myself...FINALLY. For someone who boasted how he was booted out after college graduation, lived in a shithole trailer, and was "taking care of himself" with all the fixings of adult life by the age of 22, when he got married, he did an extraordinary job of not letting me have that for myself.
Anyway, enough ranting. The point isn't to rant. The point is, now that I look at pictures of myself since I've gotten to Europe, it's so different. I don't look so stiff, and rigid and tired. I look happy, and well, I look like the kind of person I am: Happy, excited, ready to go live my life, and all that jazz. I finally get to be ME. I don't have anything holding me back now, and I don't have someone brow beating me over everything I do.
I was looking at my pictures from Stuttgart when I realized it. One of the pictures, where I was in the hostel, you could tell. So I went back and looked at other pictures of me, since I got here. All of them, I notice the same things: relaxed face, even just the slightest smile seems happier, my eyes seem to shine more, etc. And ya know, I really do feel that way. It's funny how it shows. And the more I think, the more I realize, once i get this credit card crap cleaned up, I'm home free. I made it out in quite the nice condition, considering what happened. It could've been SO much worse, but it wasn't. Thank God for small favors, eh?
Well anyway I'd better get going. I'm sure you'll hear from me again soon, as i'm heading to Colmar Thursday :D
But eventually, you get burnt out on each other, and the crazy explosive fights happen over nothing, and while the make up sex is great, you just turn around and fight 5 minutes later, and wonder if this is what you want because this is what you signed up for. Undoubtedly, something happens though, and reminds you just why you're in this relationship, and you're back to being happy and excited.
So I'm back to being happy and excited. And this week off is helping. I have a project the week after break, and then I have major catching up to do on my notes. Kinda sucks that I'm doing all this over break, but I'm also going to Colmar Thursday, so it's fair. And of course Stuttgart. I can't complain. :D
my older pics, it doesn't matter how "good" I looked in the picture, you can tell I felt, bogged down, tired, whatever. Doesn't matter how goofy and vivacious I get, or how much I laugh, I still was lacking something. I mean, with what my dad was doing, quelle surprise. I always felt trapped. As was pointed out just before I left, it was stay with my dad and tolerate his bullshit, or leave and get married. How many kinds of pre-Women's Lib screwed up is that? I mean no slam on Brandon when I say that, but seriously, that was my predicament. So I pursued waiting til I was 24, and could legally tell him to fuck off in every way shape and form I needed to, to be able to take care of myself...FINALLY. For someone who boasted how he was booted out after college graduation, lived in a shithole trailer, and was "taking care of himself" with all the fixings of adult life by the age of 22, when he got married, he did an extraordinary job of not letting me have that for myself.Anyway, enough ranting. The point isn't to rant. The point is, now that I look at pictures of myself since I've gotten to Europe, it's so different. I don't look so stiff, and rigid and tired. I look happy, and well, I look like the kind of person I am: Happy, excited, ready to go live my life, and all that jazz. I finally get to be ME. I don't have anything holding me back now, and I don't have someone brow beating me over everything I do.
Well anyway I'd better get going. I'm sure you'll hear from me again soon, as i'm heading to Colmar Thursday :D
Monday, October 25, 2010
Stuttgart
So if you've known me for any length of time, you know I was talking for MONTHS of going to Paris for my birthday as my treat to myself. Well, thanks to having a tooth explode RIGHT before I left the US, and that medical bill (I was able to get it reduced BIG TIME but it still cost me around $300 when it was said and done), that was starting to look impossible. And eating out 2-3 meals a day til i figured out where I was going killed the finances too. Loverly eh? So Paris was looking like less and less of an option, sadly.
Well, if you've known me a REALLY long time (we're talking since about 6th or 7th grade), you know there's this blonde haired, blue eyed German singer/guitar player I've been in love with since 1998, Gil Ofarim. Let's say he was the first nail in the coffin lid concerning my obsession with German music. HAHA! I've been following him on and off ever since, trying to download his songs all through high school, and always opening up websites that streamed his newer music over the last few years. I've watched him go from a German heartthrob, to a grungy, raw guitarist.
Of course, his current band, Acht (meaning "8") is on tour right now. Stuttgart was the closest show they were playing to Strasbourg, so naturally I booked a ticket, and a train ticket (AND I left from Kehl, to avoid all the bullshit going on here right now with the strikes). It was more money than I should've spent, but after what I've been through, and what I had to fight to get here, I was taking the chance. Any project Gil has had over the years has NEVER made it to the US. Sadly. Back 1998-2000, a lot of people went on about it online, hoping he would listen to the outcry and tour the US and release a CD. He was even part of the "Let The Music Heal Your Soul" compilation back I think in 1998, and that made it here to the US. Yep, we fought hard, signed websites, begged, you name it, I did it and never did he cross The Pond.
So now that I'VE crossed The Pond (isn't that the way relationships work? Women do all the work to get what they want, then the men get the glory and can lay back and enjoy? XD Sorry I had to make the stab. LOL TOTALLY just being a smartass), and am hanging out in France, I decided to say what the hell and take the trip to Stuttgart to see Acht. Considering Stuttgart is one of the closer places they were playing, I said what the hell, changed my mind, and "hoofed it" over the border. :D Let's say it was very well worth the...oh lord...I'm gonna go on a limb and say $200 (we're talking after converting, the train ticket, the show ticket, the 3 CDs I bought, food/drinks and my room at the hostel) I spent on it. It was just an amazing night!
The concert itself was just amazing. It was a small venue, club scene, and everyone was squished in, but not so tight that it sucked. I was RIGHT up on the stage, like we're talking I was leaning on monitors to take pictures (if you've seen the ones I took, there's no zoom. Only one or 2 were zoom, mostly for the effect, but I was just about that close already). It was just straight up amazing. Some moments were just fucking intense. There's no way hardly to describe the surge that everyone there felt. After a few of the songs, the band just stood there on the stage with this tired, but satisfied, look, and the crowd looked back with the same expression. All anyone could say was "Goddamn" when it was at that point. We were all breathless and high on adrenaline and whatever other endorphins your body releases in moments like that. It was fucking awesome.
Their bassist loved me, hahaha! I have that luck at shows, with the guitarist or bassist, depending on where I'm at. I've had guitar players start just playing for me before, which is awesome as hell. :D The best part was the smiles I got from Gil. I got 4. Oh my lord, you don't even know how I felt at that moment! hahahaha! Someone I've admired for 12 years now, smiling back at me from the stage? Hahahaha! I felt like "that girl in the crowd" from those crappy guilty pleasure fanfics I read all through middle school and high school, without the random hook up after the show. The first smile was really the best too. I was excited and smiling like a fool already, and he looked up and over my direction, saw me smiling, and smiled back, just as big and goofy as a grin as I'm sure I had. I also seem to have good luck getting good smiles from guys in bands. Isaac Hanson gave me one of the sweetest smiles I've ever gotten when I said thanks for an autograph, and Bill Kaulitz practically had me hanging on to banisters and anything else I could find to hold myself up with just by smiling at me. Not to mention the hug I got from Jordan Whelan (guitarist) from Still Remains. ;) So having Gil Ofarim flash a gigantic smile at me just fits oh so well. And 3 more smiles like that? Hell yeah!
One point, now that I think about it, things were getting so crazy and tense again (in a good way) he practically dropped his guitar, climbed over the monitors (nearly fell on his face doing it too), and jumped down in the crowd, singing and jumping around with everyone who was there. Yeah I was...5 feet away from him? Fucking AMAZING! I've never been at a show where that could be done. Hell, I've never been to a show where there was no barricade between the stage and the crowd. So yeah, even more amazingness :D The whole show was just incredible. I'm still on cloud 9 from it.
The ending of the show was just down right amazing. They ended with their song "Zufall" (Chance). I think actually that was the song they were playing when he was in the crowd, as he climbed back up, and didn't have his guitar, and didn't have it at the end of the show. Anyway, point is, we got to a point where we were singing the chorus A Capella along with the band, and it was just fucking powerful.
Wie du bist, wie du lebst,
Unsere Welt sich versteht
Liebe frei, bin dabei
Nicht mehr unter zu gehen
Wie du liebest, wie due gibst
keine Rettung in Sicht
Liebe frei, bin dabei
ohne Schatten zu gehen.
(English version:
No matter who you are, No matter how you live,
our World will work itself out,
Love freely, I'll be there,
Nothing else can go wrong.
No matter who you love, no matter what you give,
the end is near,
Love freely, I'll be there,
no shadows looming over you)
That's the chorus to the song, and we just kept singing it over and over and over. It was amazing. The whole song was emotional, but that moment was definitely one of those moments that are WHY you spend $200 to go to a show.Yeah, yeah, yeah romanticizing things for the win, I know, but deal with me, that's how I view my life. Deal with it. ;) It was a very 'romantic' night. No, not like that. I'm talking romantic...like romantic era literature or romantic era music. :P I told you...the post concert hook up part was missing. HAHAHA! Anyway...
So I bought 3 CDs at the show last night: Gil's last solo CD from '03, the CD he did with Zoo Army in '06, and then his new one with Acht. I've been listening to them all day, and I smile like an idiot when I listen to Acht's CD. It's just so awesome FINALLY owning these CDs. Call me a nerd, but I've been trying to own something of his legit for a long time. I finally got it. ;)
After the concert, I walk out of the club, and start heading home. Of course, times like these are when I do all my thinking. And we know what happens when I get thinking. No, I didn't cry! Shush-ish. But I did get emotional. A lot of times I get mad or jealous, thinking of my friends I know are getting a lot of help from their parents, especially during study abroad stuff. Now, I know I have people who will help me, so I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. Usually, if anything I just get frustrated. And no, I don't begrudge my friends anything. Just sometimes I focus too much on what I don't have, rather than what I do have. But the other night, that changed.
If I had my dad giving me money while i did this, I can hear the ranting and raving my dad would've gone on, about me going to Stuttgart. Of course he couldn't afford to put more money in my back account (because he just bought a new guitar), or I needed to be smarter with my money (because he can't pay the bills so why should he give me money?), or some crap like that. I'd basically be living like I did in Fort Wayne. Sure, there's such a thing as being responsible, and whatever (and no I'm not very good at it, I admit it openly), but it dawned on me: I'm doing this on my own, with only myself to answer to. I don't have anyone nagging me about what I can and can't do. So yeah it kinda sucks, not having someone to take care of me financially, but hell, I can do what I want when I want to. Awesome, right? Haha! I don't have someone yelling at me about money, and ruining me having a WONDERFUL night like I had anymore. Trust me, my dad would've just ranted and raved about me being irresponsible, and it's not safe and all that. Please. It's dangerous getting out of bed in the AM. But nope, since I'm taking care of myself, I can do what I want to do, on my own terms. It's kinda nice to have the liberty to do that for once.
But yea I really oughta go. I've been trying to write this all damn day.
The ending of the show was just down right amazing. They ended with their song "Zufall" (Chance). I think actually that was the song they were playing when he was in the crowd, as he climbed back up, and didn't have his guitar, and didn't have it at the end of the show. Anyway, point is, we got to a point where we were singing the chorus A Capella along with the band, and it was just fucking powerful.
Wie du bist, wie du lebst,
Unsere Welt sich versteht
Liebe frei, bin dabei
Nicht mehr unter zu gehen
Wie du liebest, wie due gibst
keine Rettung in Sicht
Liebe frei, bin dabei
ohne Schatten zu gehen.
(English version:
No matter who you are, No matter how you live,
our World will work itself out,
Love freely, I'll be there,
Nothing else can go wrong.
No matter who you love, no matter what you give,
the end is near,
Love freely, I'll be there,
no shadows looming over you)
So I bought 3 CDs at the show last night: Gil's last solo CD from '03, the CD he did with Zoo Army in '06, and then his new one with Acht. I've been listening to them all day, and I smile like an idiot when I listen to Acht's CD. It's just so awesome FINALLY owning these CDs. Call me a nerd, but I've been trying to own something of his legit for a long time. I finally got it. ;)
After the concert, I walk out of the club, and start heading home. Of course, times like these are when I do all my thinking. And we know what happens when I get thinking. No, I didn't cry! Shush-ish. But I did get emotional. A lot of times I get mad or jealous, thinking of my friends I know are getting a lot of help from their parents, especially during study abroad stuff. Now, I know I have people who will help me, so I'm not looking for sympathy or pity. Usually, if anything I just get frustrated. And no, I don't begrudge my friends anything. Just sometimes I focus too much on what I don't have, rather than what I do have. But the other night, that changed.
If I had my dad giving me money while i did this, I can hear the ranting and raving my dad would've gone on, about me going to Stuttgart. Of course he couldn't afford to put more money in my back account (because he just bought a new guitar), or I needed to be smarter with my money (because he can't pay the bills so why should he give me money?), or some crap like that. I'd basically be living like I did in Fort Wayne. Sure, there's such a thing as being responsible, and whatever (and no I'm not very good at it, I admit it openly), but it dawned on me: I'm doing this on my own, with only myself to answer to. I don't have anyone nagging me about what I can and can't do. So yeah it kinda sucks, not having someone to take care of me financially, but hell, I can do what I want when I want to. Awesome, right? Haha! I don't have someone yelling at me about money, and ruining me having a WONDERFUL night like I had anymore. Trust me, my dad would've just ranted and raved about me being irresponsible, and it's not safe and all that. Please. It's dangerous getting out of bed in the AM. But nope, since I'm taking care of myself, I can do what I want to do, on my own terms. It's kinda nice to have the liberty to do that for once.
But yea I really oughta go. I've been trying to write this all damn day.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Things I (don't) miss
Well, now that I've been here a month, I decided to compile things I do and don't miss. THINGS. Not people. I think the who I miss has already been established. ;)
1.) I miss pancakes. Like you don't even KNOW how bad I miss IHOP right now. I have been a regular IHOP customer over the last 5 years, so yeah, don't think I need to explain much else. And I miss making my huge breakfast. Which whaddya know, is pancakes! And eggs, bacon, coffee, juice, milk...man, cooking that meal hungover is the best. XD
2.) Free refills. They give you dinky glasses, charge you 2,50, and you don't get a free refill? Highway robbery man. LOL.
3.) Peanut Butter. seriously, how can peanut butter not exist in a Western nation that does trade/business/whatever with the USA?
4.) My TV shows. I spend all summer getting caught up on Dexter (to the point I get compared to Deborah Morgan XD), and all last school year catching up on Supernatural, and now I'm out of the country. Really? UGH! And of course, the season finale of Dexter was a cliffy, so yeah, I'm mad lol.
5.) My movies. I couldn't find them to haul them with me. I miss GWTW. :(
6.) XBox. Not because it doesn't exist over here, i just miss it. Fable 3 anyone?
7.) My Desk. I effing love my desk at home. I mean I have a pretty wicked desk here, but my desk at home is so pretty!!!
8.) My fast food chains of choice: Taco Bell, Burger King, and Rally's. All they have here (at least that I can find) is McDonald's and Subway.
9.) Reliable Internet
10.) My keyboard cell phone. The ear piece was crappy as hell, but i loved having a keyboard. I miss American cell phone plans too.
1.) The comfort of home. I mean the state of being, not the physical sensation. You know, that feeling you get when you kick back on your sofa, or couch, or computer chair, kick your feet up, and turn on the tv/xbox/computer, and you're in your element? Yeah I miss that. I mean my dorm is becoming more and more home, especially now that I have the internet, but I miss kicking back on Brandon's big red sofa with an xbox controller and the puppy in my lap.
I think that's the bulk of what i do miss, but there are some things I DON'T miss, for sure, and it's only fair to include those too.
1.) My dad and brother. If you know me, you know the story. If not, let's just say the quicker they cease to exist, the better off I'll be.
2.) American Politics. And I don't mean the political system and all that, or anything against the incumbent president, I mean the bullshit mud slinging name calling smear tactics. I mean the mentality of "If you're liberal, you're anti-American." I don't miss the bipartisan bickering. Not to say that France doesn't have their problems, but I dunno...there's just something awesome about being in a country that will protest if a fly farts, yet, it doesn't impact me (side note: doesn't mean that the protesters have a bad point however).
3.) Crappy public transportation. Not including SNCF in that. I don't care how often Strasbourgeois will run to catch a tram, I don't care if I barely miss the damn train, it's SO much nicer than Fort Wayne. Seriously, 9 minutes between trains? that WAY beats an hour between buses. and $45 a month for a crappy bus system? Yeah, the bus/tram passes here are HALF that, regular price.
4.) The Indiana landscape. Ok in all fairness the countryside IS pretty, but in comparison to this? Please. Though Alsace does look a lot like Indiana, at the same time what as come up out of it is so much prettier here.
5.) Fort Wayne. Ugh. I've hated The Fort for YEARS, and I've wanted out since I was 17. Now that I'm in a city like Strasbourg, why would I want to go back to Fort Wayne? I seriously think though, no matter how things pan out, I won't stay there anyway. Here it's diverse, and there's culture, and the city itself is even a political/cultural hub of Europe. Fort Wayne is SORT OF the crossroads of America, filled with a bunch of rednecks (side note: talked to a German guy the other day who asked if Indiana was full of rednecks and I CRACKED up), and narrow minded people.
6.) Feeling like my past was looming over my head. coming here, albeit for school, has really given me a chance to establish myself away from my past
I have to say though, no matter what and who I miss, or don't miss, I'm glad I came here. :D
2.) Free refills. They give you dinky glasses, charge you 2,50, and you don't get a free refill? Highway robbery man. LOL.
3.) Peanut Butter. seriously, how can peanut butter not exist in a Western nation that does trade/business/whatever with the USA?
5.) My movies. I couldn't find them to haul them with me. I miss GWTW. :(
6.) XBox. Not because it doesn't exist over here, i just miss it. Fable 3 anyone?
8.) My fast food chains of choice: Taco Bell, Burger King, and Rally's. All they have here (at least that I can find) is McDonald's and Subway.
9.) Reliable Internet
10.) My keyboard cell phone. The ear piece was crappy as hell, but i loved having a keyboard. I miss American cell phone plans too.
1.) The comfort of home. I mean the state of being, not the physical sensation. You know, that feeling you get when you kick back on your sofa, or couch, or computer chair, kick your feet up, and turn on the tv/xbox/computer, and you're in your element? Yeah I miss that. I mean my dorm is becoming more and more home, especially now that I have the internet, but I miss kicking back on Brandon's big red sofa with an xbox controller and the puppy in my lap.
I think that's the bulk of what i do miss, but there are some things I DON'T miss, for sure, and it's only fair to include those too.
1.) My dad and brother. If you know me, you know the story. If not, let's just say the quicker they cease to exist, the better off I'll be.
2.) American Politics. And I don't mean the political system and all that, or anything against the incumbent president, I mean the bullshit mud slinging name calling smear tactics. I mean the mentality of "If you're liberal, you're anti-American." I don't miss the bipartisan bickering. Not to say that France doesn't have their problems, but I dunno...there's just something awesome about being in a country that will protest if a fly farts, yet, it doesn't impact me (side note: doesn't mean that the protesters have a bad point however).
3.) Crappy public transportation. Not including SNCF in that. I don't care how often Strasbourgeois will run to catch a tram, I don't care if I barely miss the damn train, it's SO much nicer than Fort Wayne. Seriously, 9 minutes between trains? that WAY beats an hour between buses. and $45 a month for a crappy bus system? Yeah, the bus/tram passes here are HALF that, regular price.
4.) The Indiana landscape. Ok in all fairness the countryside IS pretty, but in comparison to this? Please. Though Alsace does look a lot like Indiana, at the same time what as come up out of it is so much prettier here.
6.) Feeling like my past was looming over my head. coming here, albeit for school, has really given me a chance to establish myself away from my past
I have to say though, no matter what and who I miss, or don't miss, I'm glad I came here. :D
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
1 down, 9 to go
Far away
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away
-"Starlight," Muse, Black Holes and Revelations 2006
So I've been here a month now. It's quite hard to believe. I already feel quite acclimated, on some levels. Others, still working on it. I have a feeling this semester is gonna be tough. Not because of anything bad, mind you, just the fact it got started so much later in comparison to the school year in the US. But it's been a great month. I'm finally out and on my own, living my life finally. It's been exciting. I love how my every day life is seeing century old buildings, tarte flambées, sunrises in my bedroom window, Gelato, wine, and foreign languages.
But, it's also been a hard month. I seriously cry every day about something (mostly that I miss Brandon, but a lot of other things have triggered me crying. Mainly memories). I'm still proud of myself for making it 2 days without crying, til Brandon had to be a butthead and be all emotional and make me cry while I was on the phone with him.
Anyway, I happened to be listening to Muse on my way home from class. Didn't want to burn myself out on NIN this morning (though "Closer" is an awesome wake up song ahahahaha), and Muse just sounded cool. I'd never really listened to the lyrics, but for some reason they jumped out at me. And, it fits how I feel.
I up and left my home behind for somewhere new and unusual. Of course, I wouldn't shut up about it. It seemed to be the answer to all my problems. And in some ways it definitely has been. No, it won't guarantee my dad pays me what he owes me, nor will it guarantee that my life will wind up exactly how I want it, but it has changed a lot of things. I'm not angry like I was. I mean, I've never NOT been angry, now all of a sudden I'm not. I may get a little frustrated, but it's nothing like it was. Things don't aggravate me like they used to (except my internet but we're not going there lol). I'd say overall I am happier, despite the emotional wreck I am. lol. I'm happier with my life, and where I am, and I really feel like things CAN get better. I'm not as worried, either.
The first part really rang true though. Everyone who I know REALLY cares about me--from little Preston on up--is a billion miles away it seems. And it's not saying anything bad about the people I've met recently, or that French people are assholes (though I have had a few interesting run-ins...leading to a new comparison a friend and I make when stuff gets weird: "At least I didn't get asked if I was a prostitute." HAHAHAHA!), because that's not true. But the closest semblance I have to a family is on the other side of the world. I was so focused on getting away that I didn't realize what I was leaving behind. Now I do, and it drives me nuts. It feels like my heart's only half here sometimes. The rest of me is far, far away, and i just have to deal with only a fraction of a heart beating in my chest.
Anyway, I better get going. I'm sure everyone is sick of me being an emotional wreck and I have to go home before I head to class, as I left the potocopy of the reading assignment there by accident. Oops!
<3Eri
This ship is taking me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die
Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
My life
You electrify my life
Let's conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive
But I'll never let you go
If you promised not to fade away
Never fade away
-"Starlight," Muse, Black Holes and Revelations 2006
So I've been here a month now. It's quite hard to believe. I already feel quite acclimated, on some levels. Others, still working on it. I have a feeling this semester is gonna be tough. Not because of anything bad, mind you, just the fact it got started so much later in comparison to the school year in the US. But it's been a great month. I'm finally out and on my own, living my life finally. It's been exciting. I love how my every day life is seeing century old buildings, tarte flambées, sunrises in my bedroom window, Gelato, wine, and foreign languages.
But, it's also been a hard month. I seriously cry every day about something (mostly that I miss Brandon, but a lot of other things have triggered me crying. Mainly memories). I'm still proud of myself for making it 2 days without crying, til Brandon had to be a butthead and be all emotional and make me cry while I was on the phone with him.
Anyway, I happened to be listening to Muse on my way home from class. Didn't want to burn myself out on NIN this morning (though "Closer" is an awesome wake up song ahahahaha), and Muse just sounded cool. I'd never really listened to the lyrics, but for some reason they jumped out at me. And, it fits how I feel.
I up and left my home behind for somewhere new and unusual. Of course, I wouldn't shut up about it. It seemed to be the answer to all my problems. And in some ways it definitely has been. No, it won't guarantee my dad pays me what he owes me, nor will it guarantee that my life will wind up exactly how I want it, but it has changed a lot of things. I'm not angry like I was. I mean, I've never NOT been angry, now all of a sudden I'm not. I may get a little frustrated, but it's nothing like it was. Things don't aggravate me like they used to (except my internet but we're not going there lol). I'd say overall I am happier, despite the emotional wreck I am. lol. I'm happier with my life, and where I am, and I really feel like things CAN get better. I'm not as worried, either.
The first part really rang true though. Everyone who I know REALLY cares about me--from little Preston on up--is a billion miles away it seems. And it's not saying anything bad about the people I've met recently, or that French people are assholes (though I have had a few interesting run-ins...leading to a new comparison a friend and I make when stuff gets weird: "At least I didn't get asked if I was a prostitute." HAHAHAHA!), because that's not true. But the closest semblance I have to a family is on the other side of the world. I was so focused on getting away that I didn't realize what I was leaving behind. Now I do, and it drives me nuts. It feels like my heart's only half here sometimes. The rest of me is far, far away, and i just have to deal with only a fraction of a heart beating in my chest.
Anyway, I better get going. I'm sure everyone is sick of me being an emotional wreck and I have to go home before I head to class, as I left the potocopy of the reading assignment there by accident. Oops!
<3Eri
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Weather and Time
So first things first: the Alsatian weather is definitely as bad as Indiana’s weather. It was BEAUTIFUL on Sunday: Warm, sunny, not a cloud in the sky, the last 2 days have been kind of cloudy, a bit cooler, but still decent enough I went around in capris and sandals (I’m such a Hoosier lol everyone else is in jackets and scarves, and I have my hoodie “just in case”), and today, it’s back to being BEAUTIFUL.
I’m at Place Gutenberg again, and I have time to kill before class (about 3 hours), and I really don’t know what to do with it. I went on a very mini shopping spree, as I found a Claire’s here. I got a new watch, which I kind of needed (I mean my cell phone suffices, but the way I pack up anymore, it’s hard to get to), some earrings, and a necklace. The earrings were the only thing not on sale, and frankly if it hadn’t been 13 euro, I would’ve bought a Disney Princess umbrella I found. Maybe if I get this job, I’ll buy it.
Speaking of, I may email soon about it. Even if it’s only a contract job, I’ll take it. I’ve seen a school here that teaches kids English, and I have yet to go to that bookstore, The Bookworm, and see about working there. ANYTHING to bring in a little money, so I’m not always hitting up my family for cash.
One of the things that gets me about Strasbourg is just how diverse it is. When I was first reading about coming here, about a year and a half ago now, I remember reading the population was about the same as Fort Wayne, and identified it with a lot of aspects about Fort Wayne. Boy, was I EVER way off center. Not that I mind though. I just never expected what I’ve seen. On a daily basis I hear some combination of French, German, English, Chinese, and sometimes Japanese, Italian, and a handful of languages I just can’t identify. I’d heard there were a lot of Muslims/”Magrehbins” here and that never phased me, but it’s definitely more than in Fort Wayne. But every day I see a diverse city of tourists, students, immigrants, or people who may have lived here for a few generations now, but yet their heritage is something other than Caucasian-European.
As much as I at least felt I knew before leaving, it never compares to what reality is. I’ve carried on conversations in French, German, AND English, sometimes using a combo of those languages in one day. That’s definitely not something I ever did at home, outside of school. If I spoke French or German, it was someone fascinated that they had just encountered a multilingual American. Here, I do it to get by and have a meal to eat in the evening. I mean, I don’t mean to sound dramatic when I say it like that. I only say it that way to show that it’s necessity.
But, I really do love it here. I feel I’ve done a good job adjusting, despite the loneliness I feel almost on a daily basis. I can get around, know what’s what, read a paper, ask questions about my phone or internet (WHICH BOTH ARE DRIVING ME NUTS RIGHT NOW), and know what someone’s saying when they explain it to me. I play with random dogs on the streets when their owners stop for a second to let me pet them, I’m starting to be recognized at a few of my favorite hangouts, and life is starting to have a routine. I don’t feel like just some student here, I feel like my place is here. Sure, it’s not the same as being in the town you were raised in, but you should see my room…I TOTALLY live there (looks like a pink bomb exploded in the place, followed by Disney princesses and a bunch of makeup, and of course it’s a mess ;)).
A year ago, I was hiding in my bedroom, listening to my dad scream and yell at Debbie, and felt like the scared little child who didn’t know what to do when mommy and daddy were fighting. A year ago, I was struggling through my days, because I was running almost around the clock with little rest. A year ago, I was broken hearted, fearing living my life all alone, being just some dried up old spinster when I got older. But today, I’m watching a 110 year old carousel carry happy children around on a bright and sunny afternoon, and a young couple, probably each others’ first love, share their affection in the shadow of a statue dedicated to Johannes Gutenberg. I had always dreamed about days like today, but never thought they existed, but here I am, living exactly what I thought I’d never achieve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)